Explaining to small kids that we have a different lifestyle to their cousins amd that's okay?

[Eileen101]

My kids are starting to get envious of their cousins jetset lifestyle, travelling to stunning islands in Asia for example, or for a quick jaunt over to Europe (which would be equivalent to a holiday that I save all year for).
I do try to do really nice things with them, but they don't really compare. It's hard to make "when we go away in grandma's camper, shall we have a packed lunch at the beach or shall we have a bag of chips at the beach shop" sound exotic when their cousin is drinking out of a coconut with a straw on a beautiful island in Thailand on the family WhatsApp.
My 8 year old has a travel wish list of places he wants to go and each time I explain that India for example is a long plane journey and that "perhaps is better when he's older and can enjoy it more".
Our life doesn't really compare and they're starting to notice. I am a single parent with 1 income and topped up by UC but BIL is a high earner (even by mumsnet standards) and can easily afford that sort of thing.
Is there a 'better' way of explaining that isn't realistic for us? Or a few different phrases I can alternate between?

This is exactly how I explained it to my DC. I think its clear and simple.

Already posted about extremely wealthy BIL and family but I wanted to add something... a few years ago we got a puppy. In 8 yr old world having a puppy is winning the lottery and no holidays will ever compare.

And lots of wealthy people also work damn hard making their own luck.

I don't think directly comparing your family to their cousins is helpful. Just have ongoing, honestly chat about how everyone's lives are different, and it doesn't mean they are more or less happy.

So all OP needs to do is make sure that her 8 yo child never hears or sees anything that their family cannot afford. A quick chat with granny and the cousins to make sure that they know their holidays are from now on to be kept top secret, another with the teacher at school to ask that the children are banned from discussing what they got for Christmas/birthday or where they went over the summer break, remove the TV and any internet enabled devices from the house, ban all playdates lest they might see a photo of a family holiday, and OP to be ready to swoop in on any occasion where her child interacts with others.

Much easier than explaining to the child that some people have more money than others.

Well yes, but there is a hell of a lot of luck involved in the first place. You can't work hard and make your own "luck" if you're not healthy and able to begin with.

Being a single parent vs being married also involves luck and has huge financial implications. Not only do you have 2 incomes, you also have a partner to back you up and allow you to work long hours when needed.

She can't magic extra money for a holiday to Thailand. Understanding that money is not easy to earn is not a bad lesson, even for an 8 year old.

" And you could mention that some people are very poor and don’t have enough to eat?"

Especially around the resort areas where your cousins go to have fun and stuff themselves in Asia and India.........

Don't let it bother you
And make sure you're not showing your feelings
Make him feel content and grateful with the life he has
Show him how lucky he is

Growing up, my aunt and uncle were wealthy. Big South London home, my cousin was privately educated, lots of exotic holidays. It has actually never occurred to me until I read this thread that I might have, at some point, felt envious of my cousin. I never did. We were close and used to visit them often and they would visit us. My cousin stayed with us quite a lot during summer holidays and was almost like the sister I never had.

If I had ever shown any sign of envy over my cousins life or material possessions or exotic holidays, it would just have been shut down with a very matter of fact reply.

One thing I can remember is being out with them one day and my aunt picking up a skirt that my cousin had said she liked. My mum agreed the skirt was lovely. I can remember my aunt saying that she'd buy the skirt for my cousin if my mum bought one for me (she obviously did not want me, or my brother to feel that cousin had received a souvenir from the day out and we had not). My mum said to my aunt that she couldn't afford it.

It's really very black and white and factual. Some people can afford things that others can't and we all have to get used to that fact.

I was that kid too, knew it was beyond the family income, we struggled. I loved the holidays we did have and I loved my folks for making them fun. But, I made up for it as a young adult, had a family, couldn't afford those sort of trips, they too have made up for it as adults.

Just make a joke of it. "Oh their in Thailand, agaaaain" [eye roll]
"Frankly, there's nothing better than North Devon in the summer, so I don't know why they go to all the bother LOOOOL"
They will realise over time that having rich friends constantly doing expensive things really does get "eye rolly" after a while and also, there really is nowhere as beautiful as North Devon in the summer. We tend to say a loud "SNORE" when reporting on rich friends' activities, it can get a bit much. As long as you aren't scrabbling in poverty then just let them see the funny side.

Don’t you just explain the truth? Uncle Bob works at XYZ company and because he’s a math genius he makes way more money than mommy.
You need to do really well at school, get a great job then we can go on fancy trips.

They're old enough to understand that these holidays are expensive and you can't afford them.

I grew up with family holidays at my grandparents' houses or camping in Wales or France. I was envious of my friends' holidays to Spain and begged my parents to go to an AI fir a week but it wasn't their thing at all so we never did. OTOH my mum was a teacher in a very diverse area and there were plenty of kids she taught for whom a treat was going to play at the park, let alone going on holiday. It blew my mind that there were children who had never seen the sea.

Now I'm the parent who takes their DC on fancy holidays all over the world. We all enjoy it but the DC don't have more fun in Costa Rica than they do camping at a local farm. In fact, both DC got a generous budget to choose a holiday after their GCSEs. DD wants to go camping in Snowdonia.

Granny needs to stop being so insensitive and you should point it out to her that that's exactly what she is being.

And. If she's the sort of parent who constantly points out to you that your sister made better choices than you as a single parent, then personally I'd simply avoid her and say why because she's not just being a cow to you, she is also upsetting her grandchildren.

It's highly unlikely the young cousins are turning up to family events bragging about their holidays to Thailand so yours would be entirely oblivious for a bit longer at any rate if she learned a bit of discretion. Ask your sister for pics of them doing normal family stuff like football practice or trips to the park.

I would also embrace the BIL worked very hard in school message. Assuming he's not a dickhead then there is nothing at all wrong with having a normal person as a role model as opposed to the aspirational footballers and millionaire dicks like Elon Musk.

Sometimes I wonder if the children enjoy these exotic holidays.
I taught a child once who was taken every holiday to the most amazing places (I was jealous!). But when you spoke to him the thing he enjoyed most was sleep overs and playing round his friends house.

Smiling as i went to a private secondary school some of the girls had ponies and kids were dropped off in their mum's porsche. My mums car was a rust bucket and We had a caravan (which was great).

I can remember at 11 asking my dad if i could have a pony and him laughing and saying no and that if i wanted a pony id have to earn the money myself. I got pocket money which stopped when i was 13 and old enough to get a paper round, although by that stage i was more interested in spending the money on sweets and cigarettes!

I think you just have to be honest with your lad and say uncle x earns lots of money so can afford it. Maybe they'll start taking him with them one day!
I was also a single parent on benefits for many years but i did a lot with my son and would frequently take him and 5 of his friends out - always cheap family deal type things - these kids came from a real mix of backgrounds and i can vouch that its the fun with friends they remember, not how much it cost and thats regardless of background and upbringing. You keep doing you, it sounds like you are doing a terrific job anyway.

That would have been me at 8! Or at 10, 12, 14, come to that.

Just don’t show your children all of the pictures?
im an adult and i sometimes find it hard to look at everyone’s fancy holidays that i cant afford

I love Devon but there are definitely places that are a lot more beautiful.

I think you should speak to granny to ask her to stop showing the pics to them to avoid them feeling left out and envious.

Hopefully granny has no ulterior motives and is just sharing without realizing how it makes the kids feel, but if she understands the only she should understand why she needs to stop shoving it in their face.

And you keep letting them know different people have different incomes and lives and you're doing the best you and help them learn to appreciate what they have. But that's she's if granny is showing them the pictures at every opportunity.

I don't really know how to respond to this. You think it's a good idea to teach an 8 year old to sneer at someone else's choices? Just because someone has more money and can afford more expensive holidays does not deserve eye rolls and "SNORES"! How mean spirited of you and just smacks of jealousy even though I know you will say you are not at all!

Personally I feel it is better to teach a child to understand that lots of people will have more than them and even more people will have a lot less and that different people have different priorities and it's whether people are nice that counts in life. Not that mocking people with more money is "LOOOOL".

I agree with this. The only time Granny would be an issue if she was taunting the kids with it.
If so, that has to stop. Otherwise, they just need to learn everyone has different lifestyles

Holiday photos highlight the best bits. Please remind your children that they don’t show the full picture - sunburn, dodgy tummies, or other problems!

Do you have any real desire to travel to far flung places? If you don’t, hopefully as your kids get older they will be friends with their cousins and may be invited (if you pay for them, or they can contribute through earnings from part time work).

If it’s something you’d want if you had the money, the UK end of travel and flights are generally expensive but if you are willing to make an adventure of it, some places such as India can be very affordable, especially if you go in the low season. It depends on your desire / priorities and whether you have any available budget at all.

I also think it’s stealing their thunder. I have neighbours who take their 4 kids on hugely exotic holidays every school break - they have been to loads of African and South American countries, Australia, US, Asia. I wonder when they do their undoubted gap year with friends it will all be a bit ‘meh’ - I do think these experiences are intense and exceptional when you do them alone as a young adult but will they have inadvertently stolen their thunder?

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that. As others have said don’t make a thing of it, plenty off chances to travel when he’s older and it’s having fun wherever you are that matters.

He’s not too young to learn that he lives like a prince compared to some and you’re doing your best to give him the best life. I had a sponsor child for years before having kids and kept it up, about a fiver a week. Involving mine in that served well to learn about life in other places helping others and being grateful.