Explaining to small kids that we have a different lifestyle to their cousins amd that's okay?

[Eileen101]

My kids are starting to get envious of their cousins jetset lifestyle, travelling to stunning islands in Asia for example, or for a quick jaunt over to Europe (which would be equivalent to a holiday that I save all year for).
I do try to do really nice things with them, but they don't really compare. It's hard to make "when we go away in grandma's camper, shall we have a packed lunch at the beach or shall we have a bag of chips at the beach shop" sound exotic when their cousin is drinking out of a coconut with a straw on a beautiful island in Thailand on the family WhatsApp.
My 8 year old has a travel wish list of places he wants to go and each time I explain that India for example is a long plane journey and that "perhaps is better when he's older and can enjoy it more".
Our life doesn't really compare and they're starting to notice. I am a single parent with 1 income and topped up by UC but BIL is a high earner (even by mumsnet standards) and can easily afford that sort of thing.
Is there a 'better' way of explaining that isn't realistic for us? Or a few different phrases I can alternate between?

Yeah start by explaining that you’re skint and they are loaded

then over time, discuss the concept of a carbon footprint how the rich have huge ones whilst the poor generally don’t but will be the ones hit hardest by climate change.

and then discuss ones and how the richest do not provide more value than the poor who keep the infrastructure working

this is ultimately political. It’s pretty gross to be constantly jet setting around as much as it’s fun, we are facing an actual existential crisis with climate change and people like this are no better than those who let the dog shit on the pavement and refused to clean it.

I'd definitely ask Granny not to show your DC the pics. There's no point in shoving these things in their face when there's no need! My nieces go to some amazing places but I don't tend to mention it to my DC (we go camping and to a caravan once a year!).

In terms of how you handle it with DC, I'd say "I know, I'd love to go to those amazing places too! For now, we will keep enjoying our xxxx and yyyy holidays but I hope when you're older you'll get to save up and travel further afield". I'd also point out that the cousins are very lucky but most people are more like you and don't go on such luxury holidays.

I do discuss with DS (13) travel options he could do when he's older. We recently had a lot of fun looking up inter railing and what you get for the cost (I think it was EUR600 for 3 months of all train journeys round 33 countries!) and where he could stay (hostels or take a tent) etc and I said he should definitely do that with a friend when he's older. I'm also scrimping to send him on the school ski trip (which at least means I don't have to pay for us all to go!).

I have this with DS school friends. Multiple holidays and takeaways versus our much more frugal life. I simply say we don’t have the money. Some people do and some don’t.
I am sympathetic to outbursts of jealously as I think it takes a lot of maturity to rise above it and accept your lot!

Not a solution but -
Why are they (BIL and granny ) so goady / insensitive about it ?
It is a bit tactless IMO

My sis and bro in law are considerably better off than me. However, they have the tact not to highlight it constantly.

I have watched some documentaries about poverty in other countries with my children when they have complained. You tube videos about the children that pick rubbish and live in slums, there is an interesting article if you google it about favourite toys from around the world that ahows kids having their favourite toy in some parts of the world as a plastic bottle and others its a playstation.
It helpes to give my kids some perspective.
Right now your son knows what he has and what his cousin has. His frame of reference and benchmarking is very narrow. If you widen it so he has more of an idea about where he sits in the grand scheme of things. For example even having a holiday at all is something many people will never be able to do.
He is old enough to start to understand the wider world.
That he lives in a country with freedoms, that he doesnt live in a rubbish dump, that he has education where some kids do not.
Some kids have no parents, some kids have no home.
This has really helped my kids to be a little more greatful.
I also talk about jobs and working hard at school. That if they want luxury items then they will have to choose jobs that pay well. That its fine to not choose that as well, but some jobs pay more.

Just say you can’t afford it, and that Uncle and cousins are unusually rich.

I grew up poor with a rich uncle, and I wished I could travel the world, but I understood that most people can’t actually do that and Uncle is lucky. You’re making a meal of this by not simply explaining why.

Yes there are two working parents who earn loads of money and our family just has me. Cousin is very lucky and privileged but lots of other kids live just like us we need to choose carefully what we spend our money on as we don’t have as much and that’s fine. If you want to do this stuff when your big talk to uncle about his job and what exams he needed to get it and we will work really hard at school and try and get you the best results possible so you can have a great job that earns you money like that.

there’s nothing wrong with how your doing stuff and jealousy is natural but try to shield him a little from there social media or pics and encourage him to be kind and do his best try to steer him towards kids that are not quite so privileged so he’s confidence doesn't take such a knock every time.

He's 8 not 3, I have an 8 year old too and he is well aware that both his parents work hard to provide the nice things we have and pay for our holidays. He is also aware that some of his friends are very wealthy and have ridiculous houses etc. He is well aware we aren't in a house with a pool league and that's ok because he does have so much more than many children, I always tell my children how lucky they are.

By this age they have an understanding of money, it is quite easy to explain you just aren't as well off as them as uncle whoever has a really well paid job so you can't afford the nice things they have. That is life unfortunately. It will hopefully give him some drive to work hard and provide those things for his own family. There's really no need to dress up your explanation, just be honest they earn more and can afford more.

I've always tried to be quite open when discussing money with my kids as I grew up with a Dad who had a good job and we did travel a fair bit and have a lot of luxuries - I didn't really 'get' the value of money until I was mid 20's and had run up substantial credit card debt. Anyway, when my kids friends went to Australia last summer and we were having our standard British caravan holiday at the seaside, this came up! I just went on the Qantas website, showed them what the flights would cost for Australia (this alone blew their minds) let alone hotels and spending money for trips and treats when there, and just explained that we didn't have that kind of money at the moment, but hopefully when they were older we might be able to do exotic trips like that - they understood and haven't asked since!

You just have to explain they everyone has a different life and they bil is rich and you are not.

and ask your mum to stop so much with the pictures.

This.

great idea to get him chatting to bil for inspiration and focus

For me, I would just focus on making sure your kids are happy and you are doing great things with them.

If you are giving your children (cheaper) but still happy family holidays, I doubt they will care to much how they aesthetically compare to their friends/family. That type of jealousy normally comes later on...

As in, I've not met an 8 year old that cares which beach they go to... as long as they are on a beach and can play with friends/family and be happy. Thailand, Spain, Cornwall.. as long as its happy and fun, I don't think they will mind. I expect the aesthetic comparisons are more coming from parents/ grandparents comments etc.

As long as they are happy and fulfilled, then I would think most kids won't start to get jealous of exact comparisons until they are older, and old enough to understand the world a bit more.

Then your job is to fuel that into motivation rather than resentment. If they want that type of life, they need to work hard and get blessed with a chunk of luck and good fortune.

I was brought up in London in the 70/80s as an Irish Immigrant family. Our holidays were a 2 day journey back to the West Coast of Ireland so everyone could lend a hand with the hay and the turf - mostly in the pissing rain. It wasn’t much of a holiday for the men who worked all year outdoors in manual jobs or the Mums who had early morning cleaning jobs and evening waitressing jobs around raising large families - as we were all basically camping in doors at grannies. 2 or 3 other families would be staying at the same time so all us kids were in sleeping bags on the floor. After the household chores and turf/hay stuff we had the run of a rural idyll for free. We really had the best times - it was important for us culturally and socially. My Mum also used to work shifts in the local hotel when we were there.

I have taken my kids back every year and they now have a global network of family members of the same age they have met when they were ‘back home’ from US, Australia etc.

We also encouraged our kids to take a friend each - so it was a bit like running scout camp for us as parents just all mucking in.

These friends of our kids - all young adults now choose to go there themselves now (not Irish). Sadly have been to the funerals of my parents friends growing up in London in the 70/80s and all the eulogies were about the pleasures, chaos, fun of the wet, windy, working holidays. We were truly blessed by those experiences. Would never trade them an AI cruise or a coconut. You can have fun and deeply profound experiences in any situation.

I also am very involved with scouts and take lots of kids on camping trips in UK. They all get something real from the hard work, wet tents, challenging hike, beautiful views and camaraderie of having to cook up a meal and feed your hungry friends on a fire at the end of an exhausting day.

Also, by the time they are old enough to understand, they will also be old enough to understand that rich doesn't always = happy.

We have friends who are substantially richer than us.. but are they happy? One is miserable after a nasty divorce, and the others barely have any time for their kids. Their kids come round to us and find it mind-blowing to see parents actually having fun with their children.

I'm sure there are some very rich and very happy families out there.. but in my experience of moving in both richer and more middling circles.. once you get past the point of "struggling" on average there is very little difference in happiness and satisfaction between the two.

Plenty of research has backed this up. After the point of basic needs (struggling) has been achieved, material happiness comes from having something happen that is better than your average, e.g. a nicer holiday than normal, a longer holiday than normal, a nicer meal out than normal, a move to a nicer house than normal. The financial "bar" for normal is just higher for the rich.. but the feeling of getting something nicer than your "normal" is pretty much the same for all.

Love the snide, jealous undertone of “kids of affluent people are unappreciative, have nothing to look forward to and are also destroying the climate.”

I think honesty is a good policy and I’ve always been open about finances because I think it teaches kids about the real world. My older kids literally know how much our household earn, how much bills are and how much we budget for holiday. The oldest has previously been online to find holiday options for us, so they have a decent idea of expectations and value for money. We earn well, but are ‘house poor’ so can’t prioritise holidays. (Note I wouldn’t do this if we were in trouble with finances as I wouldn’t want stress the kids out- from what you were saying though you’re not struggling, just not going to Bali etc on holiday)

My 5 year old told me I needed to work more so I can afford more holidays 🤦‍♀️
They are 11 and 8.

I don’t think there’s any hiding from some people can afford better holidays.I presume you’re not showing them pictures of their cousins on the fam group living it up?

I think that the kind of climate alarmism does not come into this discussion.
There's lots of information now that climate change is happening but that it is not the existential crisis that we were led to believe. I don't think that telling children that we are in an existential crisis is correct or wise.

Bill Gates recently revised his assesments:
He said:
Climate change is a serious problem, but it will not be the end of civilization;
Temperature is not the best way to measure our progress on climate;
Health and prosperity are the best defense against climate change.

“Climate change is a very important problem. It needs to be solved, along with other problems like malaria and malnutrition.”

Gates recognizes that the most extreme projections of future climate change have been dialed back considerably over the past decade. Gates explains correctly, “the current consensus is that by 2100 the Earth’s average temperature will probably be between 2°C and 3°C higher than it was in 1850.”

Projected global temperature increases to 2100 have been successively revised downwards. Earlier this month the Norwegian group DNV issued its “most likely” projection for global temperatures this century to be a 2.2C increase and achievement of net-zero emissions by the 2090s.

Substack Bill Gates shakes up the climate debate

I'm glad you enjoyed it but that sounds like hell to me.

Bill Gates is not a climate scientist or the ultimate authority on this matter

Absolutely. There's a lot of envy disguised as social justice.

Are we in the UK uncomfortable with the whole subject of wealth?

Imagine the two different conversations happening (or not), in households across the land. What do wealthy people tell their children and what do people who are not wealthy tell their children?

Obviously, I think both sets will talk about the need for awareness of how lucky we are to have each other, our health, to be born in the West, to be be grateful for what we have, because their are so many people that have less. I would say that is a universal fact!

I do wonder, about this concept of luck when it comes to wealth and also the narrative of unfairness, in that it is unfair that some people are wealthier than others. I don’t think it is unfair, I see it as structural, in that that is the way the world works.

My DH, set out to become wealthy, his drive was that wealth would provide him with greater life choices. He is not greedy, he hasn’t inherited anything, he is not lucky, he is though very good at what he does. He would though agree that he hasn’t worked harder than anyone else. In fact that was one of his objectives to becoming wealthy, the fact that he wouldn’t have to work hard.

To some, what I post here will sound awful, and I will take the pile on like the woman I am, but it’s not, he is actually a really lovely man, who chose wealth.

And so, I do agree that what the majority of PPs tell their children about wealth is the right thing to do, there is nothing wrong with also teaching our children that they can aspire to become wealthy and that journey starts in the home and the education we give our children about saving, and money management. I give my DGD, 14, a monthly allowance. It’s not huge, don’t worry! But we do talk about how she uses it. She does not have free rein to spend £25 on he bestie’s birthday present, as she thought she had! She has to save, manage and set future goals with this money. She wants to travel, she wants to work for herself. She has to be thinking of and working towards those goal now.

Yes, we must all be grateful for what we have, and no, people with more money don’t necessarily have better experiences because they pay for better holidays. But the more money one has the more choice they have!

And I presume you are aware that many people have already had their lives destroyed by climate change? The existential catastrophe is already here for many of those who don’t have our level of privilege, it’s very tiresome hearing people who are so far protected saying it’s big that bad. Tell that to somebody who has already lost their livelihood/home/family because of climate change.

is granny stupid. ffs. 8 year old doesn't need to know unless you all live local to each other

It’s a tricky one because Granny isn’t doing anything wrong- she’s stuck in a no win situation. Ignoring and not mentioning the fact one set of grandchildren have a fabulous life when being around her less off other grandchildren is a bit of a strange expectation.

Besides it’s a good life Lesson for your DC, have a great job earning good money (or marry well) and you get to enjoy the benefits of it.

granny needs to think twice!