Explaining to small kids that we have a different lifestyle to their cousins amd that's okay?

[Eileen101]

My kids are starting to get envious of their cousins jetset lifestyle, travelling to stunning islands in Asia for example, or for a quick jaunt over to Europe (which would be equivalent to a holiday that I save all year for).
I do try to do really nice things with them, but they don't really compare. It's hard to make "when we go away in grandma's camper, shall we have a packed lunch at the beach or shall we have a bag of chips at the beach shop" sound exotic when their cousin is drinking out of a coconut with a straw on a beautiful island in Thailand on the family WhatsApp.
My 8 year old has a travel wish list of places he wants to go and each time I explain that India for example is a long plane journey and that "perhaps is better when he's older and can enjoy it more".
Our life doesn't really compare and they're starting to notice. I am a single parent with 1 income and topped up by UC but BIL is a high earner (even by mumsnet standards) and can easily afford that sort of thing.
Is there a 'better' way of explaining that isn't realistic for us? Or a few different phrases I can alternate between?

We have this, but we’re the “jet setter” and my niece is the “poor child” (as she sees it). She’s only ever been abroad if I have taken her. She is limited to 4 minute showers as my brother watches the smart meter closely. My kids have iPhones, she doesn’t. Mine have branded clothing. She doesn’t. I could go on. BUT, we’re not millionaires. I just have a good job and have a disposable income. I did good at school and I’ve done ok out of life, meaning my kids have too.

The only advice I’ve ever been able to give her is that the only person who can change this, is her. My SIL doesn’t work and has zero desire ever to do so. My brother works a minimum wage job. They live literally on the breadline, but she’s clean, fed and warm. She’s incredibly academic so I just stress to her to aim high. Want to achieve more. Go to uni. Move away. Get a part time job whilst studying. When they’re little there’s very much you can do other than give them a nice upbringing. They will chose their own path in life eventually, as long as there is guidance along the way.

To be fair to the BIL I don't think he's doing much wrong here. He's just living his life and sending his mum/MIL photos of her grandchildren having a nice time.

He's probably not even aware that granny is sharing with the cousins.

I wonder if he has struck a deal to row back on this to keep his oil baron mates happy so they don’t spill the evidence of him on Epstein Island?

BIL has a high paying job.

So it's OP's sister who sounds like had married well.

We were in a similar situation. Outrageously rich relatives versus professional but cash strapped public services workers.
We discussed that we were poorer because we enjoyed helping people and that those jobs just dont pay as well as business/banking and our DC understood that.
We focussed on following their hobbies and they tried pretty much everything, becoming very proficient at some of them (competing at nationals).
They are all young adults now and have fared far better in life than our relatives kids, despite their private schools and Norland nannies.
I'm proud that they have all achieved masters degrees and are all working in roles where they are giving back rather than making money their God.

My nephew is like your DC’s cousins. Only child, dual-income household, is taken on holiday in each of the school holidays, including long-haul trips. At 8 years old, he’s been to dozens of countries. He thinks nothing of it, however, and only talks about it if asked. Kids don’t really understand ‘privilege’ and income disparity.

So I would just get your DC’s granny to stop showing them photos of their cousins’ holidays and both sets of kids would just forget about it.

Are you sure you're not projecting a little? Because small children generally enjoy things that are fun and geared to their age group and are not overly concerned with how beautiful the backdrop is.
Some of the things they think look fun, like a coconut and a straw can be provided easily enough. So I think rather than running with a vague idea that long haul and expensive is going to be more enjoyable, I'd focus on what they think would be so fun about it. Its almost always things like swimming and the beach which you can provide for a fraction of the cost.

I’m like @thinkofsomethingdifferent but we do our best not to ‘ram it down other people’s throats’.

We love travel and prioritise it over other things. We do earn well but there’s been other things in life that have gone badly for us (death, ill health, infertility).

My DS is 9 and we try to frame it in acknowledging we are lucky and different families have different budgets. For example we can’t afford anything but economy flights whereas he has classmates that only fly business or first. DS asked why we don’t do that and I explained we can’t afford it and we are very lucky to afford the holidays we have.

Life is about far more than holidays. In yearning for what you don't have and can't afford, you may miss the pleasure of appreciating the many blessings you do have.

I’d use it as an opportunity to talk about how fortunate your family is and remind them of the fun things you do.
Explain there are lots of people in the world with very little, and some people such your BIL who are affluent.

I mean, we all sooner or later discover that some people have more money, more luck, better looks, better brains, sunnier dispositions and what not. We are also incredibly lucky ourselves compared to loads of people. Just have to work with what we’ve got. It’s quite straightforward really.

Tell the granny to stop showing them these travel photos. Say it only creates upset and frustration for them, as they are not able to do the same kind of holidays. Surely, she should understand. Yes, children should understand that not everyone can afford the same holidays, but granny does not need to remind them of it and rub it in their face that cousins get to live the jet set life. We have similar, except we do travel a bit...just not as often or to as exotic places, but tbh even if I could I would not do it as often as the other family does. Travel is tiring and I prefer staying home...I only really travel for the kids because they want to. We will travel for example 4-5 times a year out of country (nothing too exotic, but decent trips) But the cousins travel EVERY SINGLE chance they get and way longer and all over the world to exotic places. Dc don't really comment or seem to notice much. It has not bothered them. They might have said once oh how lucky! Or I wish I could go....but it did not bother them and they did not dwell on it. Instead they get excited about the trips we do take and appreciate it.

8 year olds don't know Thailand is 'better' than Torquay, we, adults, teach them what to aspire to.

To add OP, I would focus on what joy your children get out of their life experiences. I can hands down say that my kids have had many amazing days at our nearest beach. They remember crabbing in the rock pools, daring each other to go into the freezing sea, teasing the seagulls etc etc. We holiday abroad 3 times a year and now, as teenagers, they lay on the sunbed. In their younger days they would complain about the sand being hot, the sand being too dry to make sandcastles etc. So to in my opinion, they got more out of our little family breaks in the UK than they do from being abroad. Same for my niece. When I asked her, yes of course she loves the sun, but there is more “adventure” to a UK holiday. It’s all about the memories you make, not necessarily the money you spend.

Is ‘granny’ your own mum, or your child’s father’s mum? Is there a wider issue here with relationships in your family? If not, then just explain to them that it’s not helpful for you to keep having to explain to your child why they can’t have these things.

Aside from this, I agree with others that at 8 years old your child is old enough to understand that some people have more money than others, and presumably there are other people you know who can’t afford exotic holidays either. I am assuming that the holidays taken by your family members are unusual rather than the norm amongst people you know ?

I had this growing up my dad was civil service we were middle class not poor but not loads of disposable income either. My cousins were very well off had big house, great holidays, clothes etc. Never remember it bothering me that much because everyone around us was the same as us so it felt normal to us. I was even delighted with my cousins clothes cast offs. My kids have it now. We aren't poor just normal middle class their cousins in America very well off. Granted they don't see them that much but like me they're similar to their peers and neighbours so their cousins wealth doesn't bother them they can't relate to it at all.

And you, @Eileen101, are incapable of expressing balance to your children? You can only stand back and let Granny make the children sad. You can give no other side to the discussion? You are mute?

It must be hard when it's cousins but we live in a very affluent area and my kids go to school and clubs with some very rich kids. I've explained from a young age that we are very privileged to live in a nice place, have a house, good food, money for hobbies and (mostly UK) holidays. I've also pointed out their friends' parents have a lot of money and that is why they go to Disney every year and have a pony. If they'd like that in the future they need to work very hard to try to achieve it. I do what I can for example no pony but can a one-off horse riding lesson so she can try it out and know what it's like.

I was a jet set rich kid as a child and I almost never saw my dad and when I did (holidays) he was very grumpy and it ruined it!

This. Dcs are much less hung up on wealth than adults and more accepting of a simple 'we can't afford it'. At 8 you are told 'you can't' about a lot of things, it's part of being a child. You can't stay up all night, or eat buckets of sweets every day, or go on fancy expensive holidays. It's just life.

Definitely don't make this into a big thing with a full on sit down chat, or an earnest conversation about privilege. I'm completely matter of fact with mine, they know certain things aren't affordable and accept that even if their friends have them.

It's a hard position ro be in OP. Our DC's cousins are far more wealthy than us but fortunately their parents are scrooges so they go camping and we go to air bnbs.

I would definitely tell granny to stop showing them the WhatsApp but also be completely blunt with your dc.
" I know it's hard but we don't have anywhere near the amount of money your uncle has.
We will never be able to afford holidays remotely like they can. However, if you work hard and choose a career with good income prospects, you will be able to travel as an adult. It will be more fun when you can go with your friends anyway".

My 8yr old has very wealthy cousins and we are most definitely not. I can’t say he’s ever really noticed though. He’s certainly never asked me why we’ve only been to UK caravan parks and they go long haul multiple times a year. I think you just have to be matter of fact about it. If you act happy for them and not jealous then your child will do the same. I don’t make promises that I can’t keep but when DS says he’d like to go to New York, I say ‘hopefully one day we’ll be able to’.

Tell Granny to stop

8 is old enough to understand the realities of life

when my child that age asks why her friends / cousins have a different lifestyle things I explain factually that they have a 2 parent 2 income household and those things are very expensive but actually in comparison to many others the life I can give them is actually a lot more than other children are fortunate to get

I went to a school with very privileged kids although we were very working class ourselves. It was hard, I did notice the differences, but my parents were just blunt and said they don't have the money. It's a harsh but a very good lesson actually. It will do him good to understand money doesn't grow on trees, some people are luckier and life isn't always fair.

I remember this as a kid. My cousins always had much more than us (dad’s twin brother as well so it double sucked). He just used to say “comparison is the thief of mush” which at the time wasn’t helpful but now I know about their family dynamics I think I was probably happier as a child day to day. I can’t really give you any answers but granny should absolutely stop showing them… wtf?