Explaining to small kids that we have a different lifestyle to their cousins amd that's okay?

[Eileen101]

My kids are starting to get envious of their cousins jetset lifestyle, travelling to stunning islands in Asia for example, or for a quick jaunt over to Europe (which would be equivalent to a holiday that I save all year for).
I do try to do really nice things with them, but they don't really compare. It's hard to make "when we go away in grandma's camper, shall we have a packed lunch at the beach or shall we have a bag of chips at the beach shop" sound exotic when their cousin is drinking out of a coconut with a straw on a beautiful island in Thailand on the family WhatsApp.
My 8 year old has a travel wish list of places he wants to go and each time I explain that India for example is a long plane journey and that "perhaps is better when he's older and can enjoy it more".
Our life doesn't really compare and they're starting to notice. I am a single parent with 1 income and topped up by UC but BIL is a high earner (even by mumsnet standards) and can easily afford that sort of thing.
Is there a 'better' way of explaining that isn't realistic for us? Or a few different phrases I can alternate between?

Ha - the people I know who earn the most (and a lot more than me) do not do so due to some superior knowledge! They mostly got lucky or chose a (boring) but well paid sector!

I work in the NHS, my pay isn't shit because I have no idea how to progress - it's because it's set nationally and is shit!

Just be honest. Honesty is best and it's also fine for them to know that not everyone earns a mint.

Encourage them to save their pennies instead? A holiday fund jar for when they are 18.

I explained in just very honest terms why some people had more money than others. It’s not pretty is it, the 65 year old health care assistant who helped me in hospital when I was seriously ill last week was a better human than most. I wanted to work in the charity sector but it was just never going to pay enough unless you got in to a really high tier and it was going to be all meeting's and policy stuff., plus grants and funding mean projects can end. So I decided at a very young age to earn as much as possible and then retire early so I could volunteer for charities and that is exactly what I have done. I also started my career nursing and just thought this is not for me so bailed after 6 years.

Social media has both fortunately and unfortunately shown stuff that when I was growing up I was blissfully unaware of.

Tell Granny to stop being a witch.

I'd say: "I don't earn as much as Uncle Bob because he works in X sector - maybe when you are older you can get a job like Uncle Bob's and travel around the world too!" (This gets them to understand that money buys fun stuff, and you need to plan to earn it first. Might get them thinking about careers.)

Or "I love your list of places you want to go to - why don't you write them in this book and we can make a scrapbook of places you want to go when you are grown up." (Why not encourage them to travel? It's brilliant! They can do it as teenagers!)

That reads a bit just take them to a museum, but we've had evenings where it's been open extra late for a holi festival, all specially lit up and with lots of activities, food tasting etc. Holi paint fights where the atmosphere has been amazing, An evening close to Halloween with someone doing creepy science experiments and slime making, a place with outdoor space doing fire building (before that became popular), viking days, stem days, stargazing nights where local astronomy groups have brought along their telescopes, and too many other things to remember that will widen our children's horizons

I’m sure far more memories will be made with trips away in Granny’s camper van.
What will the cousins have to look forward to and strive for if they have done it all before they’ve even left school.

Encourage your son to work hard at school (get a paper round as soon as he is old enough) start saving young - then he can enjoy far flung holidays.

we had the same.
My brother has pots of money and his kids went all over the world.
They also had state of the art technology and the latest playstations etc.

My kids did notice, and did resent it up to a point.

First thing I would say is ask your mum to stop showing photos, my brother and SIL were careful not to show off about their holidays/tech in front of my kids. I was veyr grateful for that.

Secondly, as teenagers, mine had a really good grasp of money and of the connection between earning, work, money and spending.

My nephew and neice really don't.

Thirdly, when my nephew and neice were early 20s, their parents sadly split up. We had some very interesting conversations with our kids (also late teens/twenties) who were shocked that having all that money didn't make them happy.
It was a bit of a wake up call, to realise that they were going on expensive holidays, but that Mum and Dad were struggling badly with their marriage. That earning a lot is not what makes you happy, and that driving a porsche doesn't stop you from behaving like a shit bag.

My 8 year old has a travel wish list of places he wants to go and each time I explain that India for example is a long plane journey and that "perhaps is better when he's older and can enjoy it more".
Please don't say that - your explanation should be truthful and to do with money and affordability rather than saying wait until you're older. Money is a much easier concept to understand for an 8 year old than emotional maturity and 'appreciation' increasing with age. I'm not sure it does, anyway. Who's to say a 12 year old will appreciate a trip to India 'better' than an 8 year old? This was the stunt always pulled by my parents - you're too young to enjoy this, that or the next thing. What they meant was, we don't want to spend the money on you, we don't think you need it or deserve it.

Don’t assume that just because he’s booked posher holidays that they’re more expensive. Asia is massively cheaper than Europe if you book in advance / are flexible. I’ve just booked an all inclusive 5 star resort in Goa (including flights) for £2k for me and my 3 kids during the Easter break. If he really wants something like that then he needs to understand that you can make it work, but he won’t be able to have holidays as often.

I personally prefer to have luxury holidays less often than ‘cut costs’ by having basic holidays — they’re a bit more memorable & you can then save longer for them.

I think you should tell them the truth. My DC is seven and understands a lot about money.

Also - maybe other don't agree - but in terms of actual experiences and joy your holidays sound just as good if not better.

I think when he brings up the trips away his cousin's are experiencing, try saying 'in life there will always be people earning less than you and those earning more'. It's a learning curve for children to realise and understand that we don't all have the same lifestyle. I'm sure a lot of his friends aren't jetting off on multiple holidays per year, most people don't. Therefore his 'normal' may be a lot of children's normal. It's harder because it's family, so he's seeing those differences up close and personal. Talk about money, talk about the cost of groceries, bills etc and be honest if you can't afford things. Children need to understand the value of money, how to save etc, but to do that adults need to discuss money more.

I always go for the one income here conversation. Whether it’s friends that go amazing places they can be envious. We still go abroad once a year. As it’s a real treat I think they really appreciate it. I had an upbringing with no abroad holidays. But I still loved it. I make sure my kids know how lucky they are with that one holiday and how expensive it is! As they get older they can go on trips with secondary school to if possible.

Kindly I’d say try not to put your thoughts into your kids. Yes there is a disparity but children rarely feel hard done by unless adults point it out.

also if it helps, we had experience of the kids having access to long haul and alot of expensive holidays. Their favourite memories when asked tend to be the things that are cheap or no cost like getting on the tram / digging holes on the beach.

being grateful for your life (and happy for your family to have their life) is a stronger and healthier lesson than trying to justify jealousy.

Yes 30 years in employment has highlighted that however even within the NHS there are different routes and roads one can navigate that might lead to a more creative opportunity or perhaps at some point one has to suck up Your values in exchange for providing your children with some sort of quality of life.
You can’t eat your morals

I had this with my cousins growing up. They would go to a holiday home abroad in the school holidays and we would stay in their house which had a massive garden and was in a pretty market town.

We knew we were the ‘poor relations’ (not especially poor but in comparison as couldn’t afford foreign holidays) but it didn’t do any long term harm. In fact, I have very happy memories of running about their bigger garden, watching all their video tapes, using their PC. (We didn’t yet have one)

Is there any chance of using BILs house while they are away if they happen to live somewhere nice?

I think it probably is harder nowadays with social media. I’d never have seen photos of my cousins holiday. Maybe be firm with MIL about not showing holiday pics.

Have a listen to Kate Winslets recent Desert Island Discs. It’s incredibly inspiring and refreshing.

Keep your kids busy, in nature and socially connected with their peers.

They build their self esteem and identity by the experiences they internalise and embed in the moment. Keep them away from SM, comparing etc. Look out for and call out the ‘golden moments’ each day.

There is always someone with more than you - look at the Beckhams kicked back by the Peltz.

What you and your DCs can have that lots of others don’t is ‘enough’. Teach your DC to be grateful for the roof over their heads and the warmth and love an attuned contented and mother confident that she is giving them all they need (even if they want more).

I live in a very wealthy area - our family values are about the environment and we are conscious and proud of our lifestyle choices around travel, consumption, food, recycling etc that support that.

Just be straight with them. Some people have access to more material things and that’s just a fact of life. I grew up on a council estate with other siblings, having caravan holidays in rainy England. My cousin (only child) lived in a big detached house, holidayed abroad and was bought a flat at 19/20. Yes I had moments of, why am I on a council estate, but I also understood that some people just had more ‘stuff’. My mum would have told me off if I’d voiced dissatisfaction at my lot as they did their best for us.

Just venting, but those of my friends who've travelled the most are generally the most tedious.
Yes, your child will need to learn about people have different amounts of money and what it can do.

OP I used to hate as a kid and teen seeing my friends going on multiple holidays each year and to wonderful places while we took a 40 year old tent to wet and windy places in the UK often cut short due to extreme weather but as I got older I really started to appreciate the holidays I did have. I learned how hard it was for my single parent mother to afford even these holidays and how she did her best. When we did go abroad it was cheap Easter European hostel road trips (not beach holidays but cultural experiences) and I loved them by the end of the week.

I’m in a position that I can’t even afford uk holidays for my kids (and not even a single parent) and my brother has multiple
holidays abroad to Disney and the algarve etc with his family. My kids understand (one is 8) that we just don’t have the money but when we do go somewhere it’s special for them.

It’s easy to be envious but it’s an important life lesson too. These things may be what your kids aspire to, it was for my brother who couldn’t appreciate the lengths my mum went to to take us away and so he sought a life where that was possible. My life and health took a different turn but I teach my kids if they want that then they have to work hard in monied industries.

I would avoid the narrative about working hard and qualifying etc. Pot luck and the economy have much to do with this. I wouldn't want my kids to think average people don't work hard or didn't try to better themselves. My wealthy BIL was in the right industry at the right moment, something that none of us could predict and he knows as much as anyone how lucky he has been.

Just explain to them. They are old enough to understand. Without overdoing it, create a narrative about your little family unit bonding together despite lack of money. Read your DC books that reinforce that message, e.g. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

My father died when I was a young child and we were very hard up during my childhood. I remember complaining bitterly when I was about 8 and only allowed one biscuit with my tea because my mother said she could only afford to buy one packet a week, to go round all 4 of us. I just didn’t accept that "excuse" until my older brother explained that although our mother now worked full-time she couldn't earn nearly as much as our father had. I was astounded - it had simply never occurred to me. I had just accepted that Dad used to go out to work to earn the money and now Mum did instead, and I couldn't see the difference. I just didn’t understand how the world worked.

I’m sure far more memories will be made with trips away in Granny’s camper van.
What will the cousins have to look forward to and strive for if they have done it all before they’ve even left school.

I think this is a bit unfair really. I grew up very poor but am lucky enough now that our daughter has been on many far-flung holidays. We have made fabulous memories, which are neither better or worse than camper van holidays, just different. It's the families that make the memories, not the destination.

She also has lots of things to look forward to and strive for even though she has been to many countries before she's left school. Just because she is privileged does not mean she is spoilt and there will now be nothing to aim for when she's older!!

When she was little we lived overseas in a very poor part of the world. She knew she was very fortunate to have the things she did and is very frugal with money. Pretty much every penny of her birthday and holiday money for the last decade has been saved so she can buy a house when she grows up!

I agree. No need for flowery or emotional chats. Just state the situation as above and move on. My mum (a no-nonsense northern woman) would have given me short shrift if I’d complained about my lot.

Tell him he'll get the chance to visit lots of countries when he's older and has a job and money.

'But family travel is expensive so most ordinary people don't get to do that much. Your cousins are very privileged. For most people like us, it's a big treat, which means we might appreciate it more.

But you can travel on a budget when you are over 18 to places like India which would be a great thing for you to think about saving up for.'

I don't think my DC at 8 were very interested in where we actually went on holiday or recognised that one destination was more attractive than another. They cared about the hassle or ease of travel. They wanted water to swim in, ice cream to eat and friends to play with. Didnt really care whether that was in Bognor Regis or Thailand.