Explaining to small kids that we have a different lifestyle to their cousins amd that's okay?

[Eileen101]

My kids are starting to get envious of their cousins jetset lifestyle, travelling to stunning islands in Asia for example, or for a quick jaunt over to Europe (which would be equivalent to a holiday that I save all year for).
I do try to do really nice things with them, but they don't really compare. It's hard to make "when we go away in grandma's camper, shall we have a packed lunch at the beach or shall we have a bag of chips at the beach shop" sound exotic when their cousin is drinking out of a coconut with a straw on a beautiful island in Thailand on the family WhatsApp.
My 8 year old has a travel wish list of places he wants to go and each time I explain that India for example is a long plane journey and that "perhaps is better when he's older and can enjoy it more".
Our life doesn't really compare and they're starting to notice. I am a single parent with 1 income and topped up by UC but BIL is a high earner (even by mumsnet standards) and can easily afford that sort of thing.
Is there a 'better' way of explaining that isn't realistic for us? Or a few different phrases I can alternate between?

I think 8 is old enough to understand that some people have more money than others and that’s just the way it is. My children go to school with some very affluent people who have holidays like you describe and they know that we just don’t have the money for that sort of thing.

Presumably most of their friends aren’t taking regular exotic holidays? I think it’s better to explain that some people have more money, rather than imply it’s just because you’re choosing not to travel. And you could mention that some people are very poor and don’t have enough to eat?

Just keep it matter of fact and don't bring emotion or judgement in. Also don't do a whole 'sit down conversation' - it's not a big deal. You are far more at the normal end of the spectrum than your in laws and your kids will see most of their friends having holidays similar to their own.

My kids understood 'because we're not rich' at a pretty young age and just accepted it as the answer - no other choice really!

Just keep reiterating that different people all over the world have different experiences. Don't apologize for yours or indicate to him that his are 'the best you can do'. Talk about privilege vs choice, and point out the privileges he has. I used to remind my DC that even having the means to buy a passport is a big thing. Document your holidays/day trips in the camper van (this would have been one of my DC's dream holiday!), I used to make a holiday photo book and my much older DC now love to look back on it. Importantly, try to foster good feeling rather than envy/resentment for his cousin, when they return from holidays visit and ask to look at photos, what special trips they have been on, if he knows any words in the local language etc.

We have a similar family financial set up in that dps sibling and their partner earns significantly more than us.
They take multiple holidays a year to places we could only visit if we saved hard for 4 years or more for one trip and have a lifestyle that many would envy.

The cousins are all a very similar age to each other so it is quite difficult to navigate the fallout when little Johnny is jetting off to go skiing again.

Be open with your Dc about what things cost, we started a savings jar after having dc work out how much a holiday would be and add to it when we can so they can track its very slow progress.
If we are out shopping they will now save some pocket money to pop in the jar and are more conscious of saving their own money for bigger things.

It also has helped them to make the effort in school being able to point out that a good job can make a big difference financially.

Just say “Uncle Dave has a job that pays a lot of money, so they’re much richer than us and can afford more things”.
It’s an easy concept to grasp at age 8 I think.

I agree. And 8 years of age is also old enough to understand how many millions of people's lives have been devastated by war and famine. If your child is only capable of comparing his life with richer people's lives, he's not getting a clear picture of the world

We are in a similar situation. However my dc go to bed later than their cousins and they all agree that they would rather go to bed later than have exotic holidays and go to bed at 7pm! Not that there is a connection between being rich and going to bed earlier.

Hmm this is tricky. It's easy to say "an 8 year old can grasp the concept" etc etc but actually some people can struggle when exposed to the imbalances in the world... I am one of them and for that reason avoid social media!

On that basis I'm going to be that person who asks why your 8 year old has access to WhatsApp where he is seeing these pictures....

Haha, my kids love their sleep and would see going to bed late regularly as a punishment, not a treat!

OP why is your 8 year old on WhatsApp? Can't you just not show your DC the photos?

I don't, they get shown by granny.

My dc have grown up with similar but seem utterly unbothered. Im not sure that they're even aware of the cost differences between long and short haul holidays. They have a great time on our camping trips and have lots of breaks, treats and holidays and I have never sat them down and explained that everything we do is only costing 5% of the holiday budget of the others.

Why is your dc so up to date and aware of where and what their cousins are doing?

Ask granny to stop!

I was this kid. Always wanted to explore, friends go to exotic places and we were camping in the Lake District. It did me absolutely no harm. Now hiking and staycations is all the rage, the friends that were going to DisneyWorld as kids now want my advice on camping/hiking etc.

I on the other hand, was always massively motivated by a wish to travel. It stung the most at 18 when friends went on a parentally sponsored gap year and I spent mine working! However, I saved enough to spend 1 month crossing America by rail, my first ever “big” holiday. It gave me the bug and actually made me so so motivated- it made me think about jobs and careers that would be financially rewarding enough to support the kind of lifestyle where travel was an option. That motivation got me into a high paying industry and we now go on two long haul trips a year. And it’s SO much more fun as an adult and I get so much more from it. Can’t imagine I would have appreciated Thailand, Alaska, Singapore etc anywhere near as much as a kid.

My parents were always honest with me that we couldn’t afford it and I think it’s fine to know the truth.

I agree with this except the 'some people are very poor'. Count your blessings moralising is annoying IMO and doesn't really help when a kid is upset that they're not getting to go on a fancy holiday.

I think it's fine to tell an 8 yr old that you can't afford the same trips as their cousins.
But I think it's also sensible to discuss how it might make your child feel... acknowledge that it doesn't seem fair, it's ok to be envious, who wouldn't want exotic holidays, and teach your child that these feelings are normal to have but try to focus on what they do have and how they can enjoy these things when they are older/ earn well etc.

I think it's fine to be a bit envious, I would be myself. Along with the 'some people earn more money' chat I would also be having chats about what is great about your lives and what you're thankful for. It doesn't have to be mawkish and moralising, but counting your blessings without a comparison to others, just what it's nice about your life, can counteract this sort of envy/inequality which lets face it is a feature of life.

I felt like this a lot as a child (scholarship). Many of my friends had huge houses, swimming pools, horses in their garden etc.

My mum started taking me out to help with her charity work. It really did help to see that while there is always someone with more than you, to someone else you are the one that is better off.

We never had glamorous holidays when I was a child. And there weren't many holidays away at all for that matter. There just wasn't the money for it I longed for Disneyland or a tropical island but I knew that it wasnt even a possibility so never asked for it. I am a little surprised that your 8 year old hasn't worked out that you simply have less money for holidays.

My parents were much more open about money and were utterly focused on me working hard and getting a good education, which they had missed out on through no fault of their own. Neither of them even got to finish high school. But my mother had very firm ideas in those days about a high paying career. I am everlastingly thankful that she disapproved of journalism and packed me off to law school. I am now literally on that tropical island - a beautiful resort in Bali on the beach. I am everlastingly grateful for my parents' realistic approach to money.

Then surely just tell granny to stop because she’s upsetting them?

We’re in a similar situation, except that DC are a little younger so haven’t noticed their cousins’ fancy holidays yet, and also that we could actually afford the fancy holidays if we wanted to.

As it is, we are quite happy squeezing into our slightly rusty camper. It’s the worry about the environmental impact of flying that stops us, and also I just can’t imagine a long haul flight with kids being much fun. I also love being able to “go on holiday” just for one night on random weekends and it only taking an hour to get there. Perhaps you could mention some of these things to him? But also that it’s fine to not be able afford some things, and there’s plenty of people who don’t even get the trips in a camper (or a regular meal etc)

The dream of having exotic holidays could serve as great motivation for him to try hard at school.

Can your brother not help you in career terms if not financial terms to earn more?
I would feel very uneasy if there was such a discrepancy in our standards of living in our family.
Even if we’re not able to directly help with cash, we’ve most certainly been able to help with guidance and direction and introductions

I'd be asking granny to stop.

Similar position here although not with cousins. I started to just note the blessings we have a bit more whilst being open about not being rich. Such as when we go past food bank signs talking about how fortunate we are that we have always been able to afford food, that we have grandparents we can visit for free, that we have running water. In absolute terms, most (not all!) British kids are still healthier and with more resources that most children in the world and I felt I probably hadn’t really helped my kids to see that (not helped by being surrounded by high earners).