Explaining to small kids that we have a different lifestyle to their cousins amd that's okay?

[Eileen101]

My kids are starting to get envious of their cousins jetset lifestyle, travelling to stunning islands in Asia for example, or for a quick jaunt over to Europe (which would be equivalent to a holiday that I save all year for).
I do try to do really nice things with them, but they don't really compare. It's hard to make "when we go away in grandma's camper, shall we have a packed lunch at the beach or shall we have a bag of chips at the beach shop" sound exotic when their cousin is drinking out of a coconut with a straw on a beautiful island in Thailand on the family WhatsApp.
My 8 year old has a travel wish list of places he wants to go and each time I explain that India for example is a long plane journey and that "perhaps is better when he's older and can enjoy it more".
Our life doesn't really compare and they're starting to notice. I am a single parent with 1 income and topped up by UC but BIL is a high earner (even by mumsnet standards) and can easily afford that sort of thing.
Is there a 'better' way of explaining that isn't realistic for us? Or a few different phrases I can alternate between?

I am unusual in that I don’t take any photos when I go on holiday or anywhere for that matter. But I know people who the taking of photos is am intrinsic part of the holiday, just as much as is the sun, the sea, the food, the hotel room. I find it a bit boring to look at their pictures but I can see the pleasure on their faces when they show me the photos. They are reliving the experience. They are not thinking “are you jealous?” on the whole, and they would never consider themselves insensitive. But obviously I can’t speak for OPs sister!

OP, stop DC from seeing the photos, there are so much more interesting things to see that other peoples holiday pics!

Ideally, Granny should be present for the conversation you have with your DC, and you could add to what you're saying that it's better to notice that you're enjoying lots of things about your holidays instead of just looking at other people's.

Yep. It's totally OK to talk about. We have less money than a lot of our friends and some of my siblings. So we go on different holidays, live in a different kind of house and area, drive older cars.

We still do nice fun things with what we've got. I think it might've motivated both my boys to work towards careers with higher incomes but they see that their parents both work full time and in jobs that interest and motivate us.

They also know that there are plenty of people in the world and in our community with less than us and that they've got more than their Dad had growing up.

We don't act with jealousy about other people's lifestyles but nor do we show any shame about our lives. We're all loved and safe and do plenty of fun things on a smaller budget.

Also, can ask young children "how do you think we're fortunate?"

It sounds like grandma is the problem, showing them where this cousins are and the amazing holidays they go on. I think it’s a part of growing up that we except that other people lead different lives, some have a lot more money, others have a lot less.

My dc have never been abroad, i am a single parent and both my dc have SEN’s (one has a physical disability), I can’t afford to take them abroad and insurance would cost a fortune due to disabilities. That being said, we have seen a lot of the uk, staying in a Campervan or staying in travel lodges and caravan parks, we have had some amazing trips/holidays in the uk. Of course my dc know that others have travelled abroad but they understand that we can’t afford to do so.

My kids understood that we all have different amounts of money and we all have different priorities.
What we prioritise will be different to what others prioritise.
Having said that, we found lots of amazing cultural opportunities for free or cheap.
Sign up to all museums and art galleries, public gardens etc within reach as they often have a wealth of good quality stuff.

My kids are teens - I try to make happy memories, and we have days out with friends and camping trips. They understand that we can't afford the lifestyle of their cousins, and they are fine with it. It's part of growing up and life. Can't shield them from some people are wealthier. Someone will always be worse of and better of than you. Just have some open and frank discussions. You can still have fun on a lower income.

My grandchildren have similar lives to yours. I’m happy that they have holidays that mean they can play, have fun and take favourite toys.

My children remember our holidays in an old 4-5 berth caravan with an awning and an old inner tent . They say their favourite sound is rain on the caravan roof as we played board games. They all want those experiences for their children.

The photos of your children’s cousins are like Instagram photos. Drinking from a coconut. A happy moment in an otherwise boring day for a child . After my children left home I had several lovely holidays abroad. Perfect for adults. I saw many children who were bored, whining or disruptive. No toys, nothing to do. Not enjoying sight seeing, and there’s a limit to how long they want to be in a play area or swimming pool.

No consolation now, but your children will appreciate what you are doing when they grow up.

Kids are going to have a lifetime of seeing things on SM that they are never going to be able to afford, I think it's much better to help them navigate that than pretend it's not happening.

People are on here constantly saying how awful it is that kids have no resilience. Then the moment that someone has an issue where they could actually help their kids develop some resilience everyone's shouting that they need protecting from it and granny needs to stop.

I'd just say 'Aren't cousins lucky! It's lovely to see then all having fun. Most people don't get to go on holidays like that because it costs so much money so they're very lucky.. What do you think the most fun thing we've done on holiday has been? I loved having fish and chips on the beach at x, remember when that seagull came down and tried to steal a chip?'

Is ‘Granny’ your mum or your MIL?

Also, you’d be surprised what kids actually value when it comes down to it. After a bigger bonus than expected I asked mine if they wanted to go abroad at Easter. They said no, they’d rather go to Wales like we usually do!

I think be direct and simple. They have a lot more money than us, but that doesn’t make what we do less fun. A lot of people also have less than us. You might be able to go to some of those places in future.

My teen has better off cousins and friends, so what?? It’s a life lesson.

That's sad, because there is no guarantee he will earn the same as his Dad, or even that his Dad will always earn as well.

That does sound Pollyannaish lol.

I agree with this. Where is the sense in sheltering him from anything that might make him feel uncomfortable? It won’t help him in the long run.

This!!!!!

Also, 250k isn't even super wealthy! Even if that's after tax, it still isn't rich rich.

But you can't hide what his cousins do unless you never see them.

I think you just need to explain that some people have more money than others and if they work hard, and pick a lucrative career (key!), they may be able to do all these things when they are grown up. I grew up in a very middle class household with pretty frugal parents but went to a school, and hung out with people a lot richer than me. No two ways about it, it sucks when you're a kid seeing others have a lot more than you through pure good fortune to be born into a richer family, but it motivated me to work extra hard and provide the things I missed out on for myself and for my kids. I think the main thing to ensure is that you teach them they can reach it if they try and make certain sacrifices, not do what some parents (mine to an extent) do which is make them think they have ideas above their station and should just be happy with their quality of life rather than want to achieve more financially.

I don’t think it’s necessarily about ‘working hard’, as many people on low salaries work hard. It’s more about explaining that if they want to be able to afford these things when they’re adults, they need to deliberately choose a high paying career path.
We earn well, but not because we work harder than other people, it’s because we knew that we wanted a financially comfortable life (as much as that is in our control) and therefore chose careers that pay well.

Thanks @GalaxyJam I was actually just amending my post to include that! My parents talked me out of "passion" careers because they knew I wanted to make more money and have what I didn't have growing up. It slipped my mind when I was writing it, but definitely agree that picking a potentially lucrative career path is key. That and picking a spouse with similar earning and saving goals.

He’ll have to get used to it, unfortunately. My DD went through the same and then went on to solo travel when she turned 18.

...they could actually help their kids develop some resilience everyone's shouting that they need protecting from it and granny needs to stop.

This is essentially the social media idyll, featuring family, facilitated via Granny. I do think that an 8 year old could do without that and that it should be very easy to dial it back.

Yes. It’s just maths really and an 8 year old can understand that. And tell granny to stop bragging to your child, that’s unnecessary. No need for it to be a secret but no need to have a full photo share either.

My kids have more money than some and less than others. We have a very old car and they’ve noticed that but that’s because we prioritised a holiday this year. They can understand that concept.

id also start giving pocket money and some control around savings and spending and showing him what things actually cost in a practical sense.

I would emphasis the fun you have on your more modest holidays, a picnic on the beach is great. I don't know if small children really benefit from exotic holidays, long haul flights, jet lag, too hot, bitey insects, vaccinations, they can do it all when they are older.