Do you do these things for your guests?

[Loyaltotheoil]

Hi there! Just wondering, if you were hosting guests (family or close friends) for a few days, would you do these things?

• Hanging and folding their laundry
• Baking things they requested aside from the 3 meals a day (for example making crepes or baking a cake if they requested it for a snack)
• Buttering their toast, or would you just put everything on the table for them to do?

Thank you!

Don't think you've read the whole thread ..

They’ve treated me so horrendously when I lived there

Why on earth did you move in with them? Why did you then stay?!

I might do 1 or 2 for beloved nice lovely people staying with me, if they needed help with laundry because they were ill or something, or I didn’t want them to hang it to dry in an annoying place.

I would do none of those for people normally, and definitely none of those to anyone who spoke to me like your BIL does - I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have him in the house in the first place, let alone act like a valet. OP YANBU and you shouldn’t be doing any of those things.

What support do you want from this thread @2026willbebetter? Validation that your DH family and their DS bully and humiliate you?

What happens now - what agency do you have - do you need your DH support?

Is your DH the oldest - will there be expectations that he and you love back for elder care?

Look at the big picture - including the attitudes, actions, inactions and expectations of your DH to understand if this is a sustainable marriage.

These people will never change. You need to take yourself out of punching distance, you need NC, boundaries re your home and expectations that your DH is the only one that interacts with them directly.

If he is unable to step in to prioritise protecting his own wife from emotional violence then you need to leave him.

You are not his mum! Ring your MIL and ask her what happens at home, and does she feel it is reasonable to ask him to take care of his own laundry and have some independence regarding food. Once you know what happens in her house, get set to set out the rules in yours.

This isn’t my thread. I just commented to say it wasn’t normal and to get the man child out of her house. Did you mean to tag the OP?

Yes apologies - meant to tag @Loyaltotheoil

This is weird... it's not about a house guest with high expectations it about abuse you have suffered. Your husband's family are abusive to you.
If you husband does not support you refusing to have contact with these people than he is also abusive...

This.

If you have got to the state where you can't even see how ludicrous this is, then you have been emotionally abused.

@Loyaltotheoil where is your husband in all of this ?
Presumably before you got married, he realised that your cultural expectations and his Mothers were a million miles apart. Why isn't he supporting you now ?

All your in-laws are being abusive to you. Tell your husband to throw his brother out or you will leave him. You have been treated dreadfully by everyone in his family.

Do you have anywhere to go if you decide to leave?

I'm South Asian. Like fuck would I do any of these things for a "guest" who treated me the way your BIL treats you! For someone who treated me well, I'd be happy to make extra treat food if it was convenient for me; I'd thrown in a few bits of their laundry with mine and probably hang it out to dry and fold it (no ironing!), but more than a few bits and I'd show them where the washing machine, dryer and iron are; I'd butter their toast if they were a tiny child. Other than that, no bloody way! The ignorant man child is lucky you are even tolerating him being in your house - I couldn't deal with such insulting behaviour in someone else's house, let alone my own. And if my MIL texted me relaying orders, she would deeply regret it. "Culture" as an excuse simply doesn't fly.

ETA: as others have said, this isn't really about what we think should be done to accommodate a guest. You are being abused and treated appallingly by your in-laws, and your DH is complicit in that abuse and ill-treatment by not standing up for you. You deserve better. I sadly predict that if you don't put a stop to this, they will get even worse when your baby arrives and your MIL will try to take over and dictate everything about how you look after your baby.

This is one of the maddest threads I’ve ever read! Throw his stuff outside and lock him out, what a loser and twat!
You simply cannot put up with this, tell your DH to get rid!

OP - apologies if my question is too direct - but is the other DIL white and you black?

If my train of thought is right - then you need to decide what the boundaries will look like once baby is here.

You already sound so worn down - that you can't even see that this is outrageous behaviour. This will only get worse when you have your baby - they will likely try to control you/baby.

It's not your job to fix his issues with his dad, especially if it undermines you in your own home. And while you are pregnant. Your husband needs to step up and tell the giant man baby to go home.

Speaking of cuckoos, watch this film (and show it to your H, too). (it's an unpleasant watch, sorry)

Kick the cuckoo out before it damages your own baby through pregnancy stress.

Fucking hell! He hates you! Why the fuck is he even in your house with you and why the hell are you feeding him? He gets his mother to ask you to make him pancakes? You're not his slave, tell him to get the fuck out of your house.

Plenty of answers to that one.

"Ok MIL, you start making them and I'll send him round to you shortly"
or:
"He knows where the kitchen is"
or:
"That's nice dear"
or:
"I'll tell DH to make him some when he gets home from work then"
or:
"lol"

He's staying for 'a bit'? Where is he going next?

Why the hell is your husband allowing his brother to disrespect you so disgustingly?

So if understand correctly your BIL is staying with you because he has fallen out with his parents and has no where else to go?

He should be on his very best behaviour as you are doing him a huge favour.

He should be doing his own laundry, contributing to house hold bills and doing his share of housework and cooking.

You arent his mother and you arent a domestic servant.

I’d be reminding BIL of this firmly. I’d further be telling him (and DH) that if he can’t treat you with respect he should take himself home to his parents immediately.

You need to stand up for yourself, otherwise you will have a lifetime of this.

100% this!

Also, I don't think you realise @Loyaltotheoil but he isn't a guest, he's living with you now, they simply haven't cared to tell you this. You cannot go on like this, you are being abused and your DH is complicit. Get BIL out now, before baby comes. You need to assert firm boundaries before baby comes too, otherwise, your life will become even more hell than it is already.

The trick is not to let them stay long enough to need to start laundering their clothes
And butter is a personal thing - how how the toast is, how much to put on. Don't mess with it.

1. If he is relying on mummy to message you why can't mummy sort out the issue between him and his dad?
2. Mute your MIL and ignore her messages
3. Show your lazy BIL where everything is and stop doing anything for him
4. Stop making him feel welcome. He will want to go home to mummy then

I’m white and she’s Chinese

In laws are south Asian x

OP, haven't you discussed this with your husband? Are you scared of his reaction? It sounds worrying. This is not a guest!! He's essentially living with you. And he's decided to onboard himself upon you.

When mil texts you again tell her "he hasn't told me, I know nothing. If he wants something he should tell me". If he asks you show him the way to the fridge, toaster, washing machine etc although he might just use weaponised incompetence so you will have to do it for him. Make it clear to your husband in no uncertain terms that going forward you won't be doing absolutely anything for BIL.

This.