Help end medical misogyny. Sign our petition.

Help end medical misogyny.
Sign our petition.

Sign the petition

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Do you do these things for your guests?

337 replies

Loyaltotheoil · 27/01/2026 22:59

Hi there! Just wondering, if you were hosting guests (family or close friends) for a few days, would you do these things?

  • Hanging and folding their laundry
  • Baking things they requested aside from the 3 meals a day (for example making crepes or baking a cake if they requested it for a snack)
  • Buttering their toast, or would you just put everything on the table for them to do?

Thank you!

OP posts:
MadAsAMongoose · 28/01/2026 12:43

This needs to end. Now. You can't exist like this.
It either ends with you and your husband as a team telling BIL to leave today and telling MIL to stop contacting you.

Or it ends in divorce.

nixon1976 · 28/01/2026 12:44

MyDeftDuck · 28/01/2026 12:40

FFS OP……Stop! Just stop dancing to his tune! You are married to your husband NOT his brother! Find your voice and use it!

This. Nothing in this set up is remotely normal. You have to find your voice and use it, and get your husband to do it too.

I can't believe you're allowing this man to stay with you when he is so foul to you.

Is he paying you rent? Are you paying for his food? Why are you cooking for him? Don't you take turns to cook?

Minjou · 28/01/2026 12:47

blythet · 27/01/2026 23:11

Why would an adult guest be requesting home baking?

I've had a guest ask if I could make a particular dessert that they enjoyed in my house before. I hadn't planned on making it but was happy to do so.
They would do the same for me in their house

Lurker85 · 28/01/2026 12:48

His mom texting you for pancakes would have made me flip out (excuse the pun) These women that live to serve men and then try to force other women to do the same are abhorrent, whatever the culture.

Cherrytree86 · 28/01/2026 12:49

I would just get divorced and find someone better tbh, OP @Loyaltotheoil

godmum56 · 28/01/2026 12:49

notacooldad · 28/01/2026 11:50

you would actually butter an adult's toast for them?

If I was in the kitchen making a load of toast for everyone to help themselves to as a snack ,yes. If they were nearby and we were just chatting as the bread is toasting then no.

Its not fixed in stone what I would do.

Ive had my guest hand me toast and jam when they've made some for themselves and shouted through to me to see if I wanted some making.

I certainly wouldn't butter someone's toast on demand like the Little Lord Fauntleroy the OP has been lumbered with.

oh ok,

Neurodiversemom · 28/01/2026 12:53

Not at all.

readingmakesmehappy · 28/01/2026 12:56

Does your husband know that you feel disrespected in your own home by his brother's behaviour? If not you need to tell him, and make it very clear that if BIL doesn't shape up he'll have to leave immediately. He sounds like a massive pillock with a serious problem with women.

Daffidale · 28/01/2026 12:56

Loyaltotheoil · 28/01/2026 12:29

You are right that it is cultural, they’re south Asian although I’m not.

I paid rent for the 8 months I stayed there and worked, we now live in a private accommodation that my husband and I pay for.

They’ve treated me so horrendously when I lived there that I don’t know what is normal or cheeky behaviour anymore, and sometimes I wonder if my anger is justified or if it’s just influenced by past behaviour.

BIL would ask me to make his lunch, butter his toast, make him tea, all while telling me I didn’t have a seat at their table (figuratively), so when I see that behaviour replicated when he’s in my house, I really struggle to understand if it’s normal now that he’s a guest or if it’s just a continuity of the way he saw me back then.

My other sister in law is very much loved (other brother’s sister, not that brother), and they have all treated her very nicely, although she is from a completely different cultural background as well, BIL buys her stuffed toys, sweets, hangs out with her, is very kind to her in general.

They have explicitly told her they were only happy with her, that they loved her, and that they didn’t want my marriage to their son to ever happen, despite me doing as much as I could to be helpful.

MIL would constantly pressure me to move, and when I am about to move she’d beg my husband not to, that she needs the financial help (rent) and the domestic help around the house, and it would happen again and again, daily berating.

Edited

I think you need to talk to your husband about going low contact with your in laws. Agree with others they are never going to like you or probably respect you. You shouldn’t have to have them in your house. He must be aware of their attitude to his wife.

Bonkers1966 · 28/01/2026 13:00

You need to start being firm. No. No. No.
BIL is a grown man and I am not his maid. Have a nice day.
I felt sick reading this thread.

FOJN · 28/01/2026 13:05

There is considerable context behind your question in the OP. There are lots of things I would be prepared to do for a guest either to accommodate them or make them feel welcome but not if they were rude to me. If anyone treated me the way your BIL does their belongs would be in the front garden with a clear instruction for them to fuck off and get out of my house.

Why are you letting him treat you this way? When his mum texted you to say he wanted pancakes why didn't you text her back that he was welcome to use the kitchen to make them or ignore her.

I think you have been conditioned to think this is normal and acceptable, it's not, he's a rude pig. Stop doing anything for him, he doesn't treat you any better or respect you because you pander to him.

No more washing, ironing or folding his clothes. If he says he needs clothes washing just direct him to the washing machine. No more baking upon request. Stop preparing meals for him and for the love of god stop buttering his toast. Give him dinner if you or your husband has cooked it for the household otherwise leave him to fend for himself. He'll fuck off sooner if you stop giving the impression you're prepared to be his personal maid. Tell your husband what has been going on and that you are not prepared to continue.

Lotsofthings · 28/01/2026 13:13

He’s not really a guest though. He’s sort of family who has invited himself because he doesn’t want to stay at home. I would say he needs to go back to Mum and Dad because you need to get the nursery ready for your child, and he can’t stay. This must be causing tension for you, heavily pregnant you’ll be at the ‘nesting’ stage and need to get this cuckoo out.

HeidiLite · 28/01/2026 13:17

tell him doc put you on strict bed rest, so not only are you unable to do anything for him, he actually needs to take over all household tasks and bring you 3 healthy homecooked meals per day and regular snacks. He will rushing back to mummy before you can finish the sencence 😂

ApplesAreAmazing · 28/01/2026 13:18

You need to say no, and you need your husband to say no, and you need BIL out of your house. It's so disrespectful. You're not their servant, they are not treating you like a family should, and they are not a positive influence on your life. Forget what is culturally acceptable, they are treating you very badly.
Get him out of your house, if he's fallen out with his dad he will have to apologise or find his own accommodation. He's a grown up.
Your husband really needs to take the lead on this and needs to insist that the family are respectful towards you.
Your husband is going to have to decide whether he wants to be supportive of you and your child or be at the back and call of his mother and brother.
If this is not resolved you'll be back here with another thread saying they have taken over your baby and are making your life miserable. Talk to your husband today. Lay down ground rules, and discuss rules surrounding your life going forward.
Don't take no for an answer. Imagine them treating your children like this, find your inner strength.
Good luck, you can do this.

Illegally18 · 28/01/2026 13:20

CloakedInGucci · 27/01/2026 23:02

Buttering their toast??

Indeed!😂

diddl · 28/01/2026 13:25

They’ve treated me so horrendously when I lived there

And yet you stayed for 8 months being treated like this.

Is it within your culture for a DIL to be treated so badly?

Did your husband persuade you to put up with it?

GertieLawrence · 28/01/2026 13:33

Loyaltotheoil · 28/01/2026 12:35

thank you, for context I would have already made a cake for example but, but the next day he’d ask me to make more

Greedy little shit

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/01/2026 13:45

RosesAndHellebores · 28/01/2026 11:01

This has to be cultural and there seems to be evidence that you went along with their ways when living with them for eight months. I am wondering if that was rent free? Do you work @Loyaltotheoil.

To me it sounds inapproproate and not something I woukd expect. When bil fell out with his papa, why was there an assumption you and you and your DH would put him up? Do you live independently in a property for which you have saved up and bought or rent through the open market. If not, arrangements do tend to come with strings attached

When MIL's texts were received, I'd have automatically written back:

The butter dish is on the table and he has a butter knife - please ask him to make sure he does not leave crumbs in the butter.

His laundry is his responsibility; if he doesn't want to deal with it, this drycleaner also does shirts/general laundry.

If he wants pancakes/cake, there is a nice cafe down the road. I am already providing three meals.

If, he has any further requests, please ask him to speak to me directly, as he is living under our roof, where our domestic practices apply. If he wants more, there are half a dozen estate agents in town who deal with rentals.

See you soon, love op.

I think as the BIL is so rude and the OP so heavily pregnant he must be a bit intimidating, particularly as he seems to have full family support to treat her like a servant.

I am wondering if the OP's DH is out at work all day and the BIL is either unemployed or works from home and the OP is also at home, maybe on pre natal maternity leave.

She also sounds quite young and eight months of living with such in laws under their rules must have been quite intimidating... so I think she deserves a bit of slack and its very encouraging that she has come on here to ask for support.

It really depends if her DH will support her or if he knows/understands how awful the BIL is... or if he is under the same orders to help out family no questions and has always complied himself, or if he just agrees that's a woman's place.

If you are worried about their anger OP I don't think its a good idea to provoke them, but start with calmly telling DH how BIL is behaving and asking if he knows how long he intends to stay. Stick to the facts. Leave out the emotive language to get your message across briefly and clearly.
You need to do some information gathering first so you can make a decision on what to do. If he's leaving at the weekend or going back to Dad - then you can just let it go until he leaves and find a way to never let him back. Doesn't the baby need his room for a nursery?

Put it to DH that the BIL's aggressive behaviour and it is aggressive is causing you a huge amount of stress which is bad for the baby. And ask him to give him some rules.

But OP.... if you are worried that raising these questions will cause an angry argument and you are afraid of how they will react, that you need to contact someone like Womens Aid for advice or some of the other advice organisations that people on here may be able to suggest.

Do you have any family support of your own? Perhaps you could visit them or have them come to visit? Do you have a job or your own income? Maybe you could stay with friends for a break whilst you decide what to do.

Cherrytree86 · 28/01/2026 13:50

GertieLawrence · 28/01/2026 13:33

Greedy little shit

I know right! Gluttony is soooooo ick inducing.

I take it he’s single, OP? He sounds very unattractive

FerriswheelsKissesandLilacs · 28/01/2026 13:52

Loyaltotheoil · 28/01/2026 00:02

He asks through his mum, so for example his mum would text me “BIL said he wants pancakes”

"Oh that's nice. I'll give him a recipe and he can make some when he's back in his own kitchen."

You have to set your expectations early on.

If I've got guests over and they're in the kitchen when I'm cooking I'll ask them to grab the milk out of the fridge or chop an onion or something. I got SD's friends to peel all the potatoes for a roast dinner when she brought them over for the weekend, they did a cracking job.

When my SIL sent me a long list of foods that were and weren't allowed on her new special diet, I reminded her that there was a Sainsbury's opposite our house and she was welcome to buy her own food if she didn't want to eat what I cooked.

I'm not a maid and I'm not going to ruin my weekend running around just because we have guests.

pimplebum · 28/01/2026 13:56

Loyaltotheoil · 27/01/2026 23:12

Thank you everyone.

my brother in law expects me to make him pancakes (heavily pregnant and tired too!), and iron, hang his clothes and fold them up in piles (I had thrown his clothes in the wash with ours). He also expects me to butter his toast, one time I did it he complained there was too much butter and requested I take some off, I feel like a massive fool now.

Edited

Oh dear me ! Why did you do that ?

thats one for your husband to sort out as I take it he wasn’t listening in to this ? If he allowed this you have bigger problems

wordler · 28/01/2026 14:02

BIL is not a ‘guest’ - you are doing him a favour as he’s family so he needs a set of rules to live in your house. Talk to DH let him know what you expect and want and then DH tells BIL.

This might include - rent, taking on certain household chores, doing his own laundry etc.

Tell DH to tell his mother to stop messaging you about BIL.

I’m super passive aggressive so I’d have been replying to these messsges copying BIL and DH into the message chain with “this isn’t a cafe/hotel - BIL welcome to make his own pancakes as long as he cleans up properly afterwards”

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 28/01/2026 14:12

Id do any laundry for them. Id make scones or a cake. Ask them what they fancy to eat (in advance)
.

SheilaFentiman · 28/01/2026 14:21

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 28/01/2026 14:12

Id do any laundry for them. Id make scones or a cake. Ask them what they fancy to eat (in advance)
.

She did make a cake. He asked for another one THE NEXT DAY!

AngelinaFibres · 28/01/2026 14:30

Loyaltotheoil · 27/01/2026 23:12

Thank you everyone.

my brother in law expects me to make him pancakes (heavily pregnant and tired too!), and iron, hang his clothes and fold them up in piles (I had thrown his clothes in the wash with ours). He also expects me to butter his toast, one time I did it he complained there was too much butter and requested I take some off, I feel like a massive fool now.

Edited

Is this cultural. Cant imagine anyone expecting your average white, British, working woman to do any of there things. I'm very fussy about butter on toast and would absolutely want to do it myself