Fiancé paid for topless/ nude pool in strip club

[Coppelia74]

My partner is younger than me and likes a drink. He went for a few drinks at a friend's house to watch football and said he'd get the bus home. I got a text after 8pm saying he'd missed the bus and would get a cab. .Turned up after 3am (I was asleep so unsure exactly when he returned). He was apologetic and said he stayed at his mates. What he didnt realise is that I found a cloakroom ticket in his bag saying date and time- the night in question. I asked again the next day....looked me in the eye when I asked if he only went to his friend's. He went sniffling upstairs saying he couldn't stand the silence. I followed and shoved the ticket under his face. He started crying and said he went to the very strip club again that he swore he'd never return to a year or so ago. I went ballistic and cried and called him a sick little creep going there let alone on his own. Two days later I asked what happened. He played pool in the games room. Paid £200!!!!! Seems sketchy on the details and feigned ignorance when I mentioned Twister and the VIP toilet. 3 games of pool at 50 quid each for topless according to the website. He paid 200 which would be the cost for naked. Said he "just wanted to play pool and they said it had to be topless". What the hell else did he do? And why is it so expensive?! And why does he have amnesia over the VIP loo??! I feel sick just looking at him. Always emphasises the no touch rule which I know is a load of crap in those dives. Plus extras at the right price. He went to another night club afterwards but paid entry and came straight out again. But until 3am???!! I now cant believe anything he says to me. So distraught. Still not over the first time. He used to go a lot apparently, back in the day. What to do?

Which part was unreasonable?

The part where I have to quiet my feelings to protect his. I've always been the one in relationships to keep quiet when things felt off, and I let things brew. This time, when I'm hurt, I try to explain so it doesnt eat away at me. Is that so wrong?

You’re in a toxic relationship.
Good relationships don’t look anything like this.

Just leave. It would be the best thing for both of you.

These places are not the reason that men go there. You've got it back to front. The men who go there are the reason these places exist.
You are an apologist who is not helping other women, sorry. This is 100% on your man but you lack the self respect to see that.

What’s wrong is staying with him.

Have more self respect.

You don’t have to quiet your feelings. You’ve made them known and you had every right to do that.

Continuing to then verbally abuse and punish him to make yourself feel better is what is not on.

What do you want from him?

what more do you want him to have done that will make you want to leave him? Had sex would that be ok , had sex with a trafficked woman is that your bar.

And him telling his dad Jesus Christ that’s all kinds of wrong.

It’s not wrong, it’s just a complete waste of time.

It's not to make myself feel better! I just think he's blind to how much this has broken the trust. Nothing will make me feel better about this. I either leave or trust in blind faith. I'm not trying to get one up on him or cast the moral high ground despite how it night appear that way

He's not blind to it, because it hasn't broken the trust - you're sticking with him. You're giving him grief about it as a punishment but you still trust him and he'll keep breaking it. Nothing's changed including him and nothing will, unless you actually make him see how much it's broken the trust by breaking up with him. There's no in-between solution where you stay and he stops doing it because it hurt you. If you can't get your head around that, then staying with him and giving him grief just makes life shit and gives him more 'excuses' (as if he needs any) to go and buy the company of women who say nice things and sit on his cock.

Which he says didn't happen, the cock part. He knows the trust has gone and trust has to be earned, it's not a given. He knows he's let me down again. But you're right. He will use my anger as an excuse to vanish again.

I think it’s because the OP sees a male opinion as more important then her own.

Why do you believe this bullshit? Obviously you don’t. Its not rational to believe he pays to watch but is shy or whatever other lies he tells you. Are you drunk when you are with him? Is drinking impairing your ability to face reality?

No. I don't think that at all

Then why does he need to tell his Dad? I’m really struggling to understand why you want him to do this?

Because he told his dad the last time.

I think you also said @Coppelia74 that he drinks a lot and shouts in your face..
etc? So quite a few concerns around his behaviour.

He is a piece of shit, and you can walk away.

Telling his Dad isn’t going to take back what he did or the fact that you can get what you need from this man emotionally.

You’ve told him how what he did made you feel and he doesn’t want to hear that or try and make it better. He wants to brush it under the carpet and move on.

You keep saying that you’ve been through so much in the (short) amount of time you’ve been together as if this is a good reason to stick with this shitty relationship.

Know when to put down your cards and walk away from the table.

Why are you believing to chose some things when you know he has repeatedly lied to you? What the balance of probability here? Trust doesnt work like that . Trust means you have no reason to believe something ….you have multiple reasons!

I’m not going to post anymore OP. I shared my experience in good faith hoping you would take some strength from that but you seem determined to stay with a loser , be a victim and blame others for your own shortcomings.

Which he says didn't happen, the cock part

He says he went there to play pool ffs. He'll say the bare minimum he can possibly get away with. Either you can trust him or you can't - clearly you can't so anything he says can't be trusted. And trust can't be earned back in a situation where he's repeatedly done the thing you don't want him to do. He wants to do it. Even if he stops (which he won't), he still wants to. Everything else is bs distraction from that - you blaming the women, you researching every detail, him admitting to x and not y, telling his dad, giving him grief about it etc. It's all a sideshow. Either deal with the main event or don't, but don't kid yourself there's any trust to rebuild.

It sounds like you're completely and utterly emotionally dependent on him OP.

Don’t marry this man!! And he would definitely be going to a strip club on his stag do!!

I was in a relationship when he charmed me away, so maybe I accept shit behaviour because I was a shitty person to leave a safe, if a bit mundane with no affection to speak of, relationship in favour of this bag of uncertainty.

So you were 50 and in a normal relationship and left it to chase a 30-something man that uses sex workers? I mean, I get the embarrassment and the unwillingness to admit that it is a disaster but are you really going to continue to let him cheat on you and shout at you because you don’t want to own up to it? If you’re worried about getting a bunch of “I told you so” then be vague with your friends. Or style it out and go with “Yeah I know, what a train wreck. Guess I can check midlife crisis off my list!” Don’t continue in a toxic sham of a “relationship” just because you don’t want to admit it was a mistake. It will only get worse the longer it drags out.

You’re so hurt and angry about this that it feels like it’s worth fighting about. But it’s not.

You’re trying to get an irresponsible loser who has no respect for you to somehow magic up some respect and take some responsibility. He’s not going to do that either. Because he’s too stupid and too emotionally immature.

You’re right. You either decide that someone who has repeatedly let you down is going to magically change (he won’t) or you leave.

It’s a genuinely straightforward choice. I personally think it’s an easy choice. It might be hard to actually disentangle your lives, but the right decision is bloody obvious.