Fiancé paid for topless/ nude pool in strip club

[Coppelia74]

My partner is younger than me and likes a drink. He went for a few drinks at a friend's house to watch football and said he'd get the bus home. I got a text after 8pm saying he'd missed the bus and would get a cab. .Turned up after 3am (I was asleep so unsure exactly when he returned). He was apologetic and said he stayed at his mates. What he didnt realise is that I found a cloakroom ticket in his bag saying date and time- the night in question. I asked again the next day....looked me in the eye when I asked if he only went to his friend's. He went sniffling upstairs saying he couldn't stand the silence. I followed and shoved the ticket under his face. He started crying and said he went to the very strip club again that he swore he'd never return to a year or so ago. I went ballistic and cried and called him a sick little creep going there let alone on his own. Two days later I asked what happened. He played pool in the games room. Paid £200!!!!! Seems sketchy on the details and feigned ignorance when I mentioned Twister and the VIP toilet. 3 games of pool at 50 quid each for topless according to the website. He paid 200 which would be the cost for naked. Said he "just wanted to play pool and they said it had to be topless". What the hell else did he do? And why is it so expensive?! And why does he have amnesia over the VIP loo??! I feel sick just looking at him. Always emphasises the no touch rule which I know is a load of crap in those dives. Plus extras at the right price. He went to another night club afterwards but paid entry and came straight out again. But until 3am???!! I now cant believe anything he says to me. So distraught. Still not over the first time. He used to go a lot apparently, back in the day. What to do?

It would, but I guess I'm still attached to the version of him that I fell for. I'm an idiot. Believe me, he knows I'm still sickened by his behaviour. But the gamble is, will he repeat this cycle of hedonistic escapism whenever things get tough? He's been there twice in the 2 and a bit years we've been together which isn't exactly a habit, but nonetheless, the frequency does in no way eradicate the hurt caused on both occasions.

It's not a gamble at all. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. It's what he does.

What a horrible position to be in @Coppelia74

Whatever you decide to do, please think very carefully about an STI test. Personally, I couldn’t be intimate again with a man who pays women to satisfy his sexual urges. But if you do, be safe. Put your sexual health first as he certainly isn’t.

Gross. You can do better. It wasn't a stag do where he was dragged along or he wasn't 'entertaining a client who requested a strip bar' tbh even those things would still be cause for huge concern and be grounds for reconsidering the relationship, but at least it would not be him deciding himself to frequent a dodgy strip bar alone.
This won't be the last time. You clearly are unhappy with this behaviour and he will go again at some point as he clearly likes going.

He will do it again.
You’ve forgiven him twice so what’s to stop him doing it again?

He doesn’t respect women and that includes you.

No. He used to go with a mate or mates. But I think he's been on his own a lot too. Misogynistic dipshit.

Ha been there twice….that you know of.

You also don’t know what else he’s been up to.

He clearly doesn’t respect you, your relationship or other women. God knows what he’s up to.

Thus is a really difficult situation OP, but you have the strength to walk away. It would not be something I could forgive and forget. He was willing to lie about it all, the hurt he has caused you is not something you should have to deal with with someone you intend to marry. Have a grateful think about the qualities that matter to you most. Trust is very high on that list and he has proven he can’t be trusted. Either couples counselling or breakup imho, the former only if you really believe he is capable of change. If you are away visiting someone for the weekend, or he pops out to see his mates, can you really trust it won’t happen again? Also, does he access porn sites, etc? I’d be getting support and advice and getting the STI test, I would not forgive and forget, the lies are too much and there is potentially information that he is still keeping from you, knowing it will hurt you further about the nature of the sexual activity I feel. You have the strength to make changes, use this as a catalyst for change. There are men in a different category to him, I don’t think the trust can so easily rebuilt right now. Living together should mean he never behaves in this way! It’s deplorable OP.

*should not have to deal with

He’s only been twice that you know of and you don’t know exactly what had happened whilst he was there

‘Just wanted to play pool, they said it had to be topless’ did he try playing pool at a pub instead? I’m pretty sure they don’t enforce naked pool rules. What a ropey defence. Why don’t you play the field? That’s what I would be doing.

I once thought I saw him sitting outside a pub when I drove past whilst working. He'd gone to see his dad. I said casually later that day, I thougbt I saw you outside the so and so today. He looked me in the eye and said "I didnt go to the so and so today". Now I'm thinking that's bollocks too.

Exactly. I dont play the field as I havent the time or the inclination. Menopausal with zero sex drive and grieving.

The question you need to ask yourself is, would you rather be alone, without stress, lies and knowing he goes to strip clubs and lies about it. Or be free, alone without worry and with the possibility of meeting someone else who does not do this.
He is your fiance, you can still easily walk away without the messiness of divorce and / or a lifestime of misery and lies.

What he didnt realise is that I found a cloakroom ticket in his bag saying date and time- the night in question.

It’s amazing how often this happens on MN!

Sorry just realised I thought there was two threads so changed my comment 🙈

You say you have been through a lot of grief this year and really can’t face going it alone after the year you’ve had @Coppelia74
Yet this man is adding to your stress and sadness.
His lack of respect for you won’t change.
You’re in your early 50s, he’s not yet 40 you wrote.
You say you are menopausal with zero sex drive and grieving.
He goes to strip clubs.
Run from this relationship. It’s not working.

Lordy, why are you even wasting brain space analysing it? He’s a grubby perv. He lies. He has no respect for women, or you. You are wasting your life on this pathetic specimen.

You know, it's only going to get worse. I think you need to realize that you are at different stages of life. This isn't blaming you, just so you know. But if you are menopausal with no sex drive and he's a lot younger, can you not see what is happening? I've met other women who think the age gap won't matter, but men will often continue to want sex until they really are incapable. Women often feel at the menopause that they have had enough. It's a recipe for disaster.
Is he behaving well? No, he's not. His behavior is appalling. He ought to be honest and leave. He probably won't, so you need to end it.

Have only just seen your update letting us know you’re are. I thought you were a young naive 20 something year old with not a lot of life or relationship experience.

You’re a 50 something year old woman, remember who the F you are, what you deserve and leave this pathetic man child.

You were far too grown to not be living in peace.

The fact you’ve only been together two and a half years . Why did you not leave first time he went .

What are you clinging on to and why?

A man who has zero resoect for you, lies to you and treats you like shit.

Suspect you cook, clean and he lives in your house too.

If you really cannot find a way out on your own, start counselling now because you really can't understand why you deserve better.

This is really messed up and if you were thinking straight at all, you'd get rid of him.

The man you thought he was is a myth. The man who casually lies about being at a pub or his tawdry visits to sex places is the real him. Two times is not a habit you say. The two times will not be the only times.

Accept this is the way he is and stop trying to control him, it’s pointless. The only thing you can control is you. And if you had any sense or respect for yourself you would move on asap.

He's not mentioned anything more about it even though I still have questions.

The only question you should be asking is "How soon can you get your stuff and leave?" Because you can't trust him. He lies and he goes to strip clubs even though he knows you loathe it.

You're not going through a good time at the moment and this guy is just making it worse for you. Why would being on your own for a while be worse? You know you can at least rely on yourself. You can do better than this but if you don't get rid of the gross sleazebag who cries when he's caught out, how will you find out?

VIP toilet? Oh god please tell me this isn't a thing. But of course, it's a thing. Men are just so disappointing. We have managed to overcome so much from how we've evolved as humans but it seems men wanting sex for its own sake prevails.