Fiancé paid for topless/ nude pool in strip club

[Coppelia74]

My partner is younger than me and likes a drink. He went for a few drinks at a friend's house to watch football and said he'd get the bus home. I got a text after 8pm saying he'd missed the bus and would get a cab. .Turned up after 3am (I was asleep so unsure exactly when he returned). He was apologetic and said he stayed at his mates. What he didnt realise is that I found a cloakroom ticket in his bag saying date and time- the night in question. I asked again the next day....looked me in the eye when I asked if he only went to his friend's. He went sniffling upstairs saying he couldn't stand the silence. I followed and shoved the ticket under his face. He started crying and said he went to the very strip club again that he swore he'd never return to a year or so ago. I went ballistic and cried and called him a sick little creep going there let alone on his own. Two days later I asked what happened. He played pool in the games room. Paid £200!!!!! Seems sketchy on the details and feigned ignorance when I mentioned Twister and the VIP toilet. 3 games of pool at 50 quid each for topless according to the website. He paid 200 which would be the cost for naked. Said he "just wanted to play pool and they said it had to be topless". What the hell else did he do? And why is it so expensive?! And why does he have amnesia over the VIP loo??! I feel sick just looking at him. Always emphasises the no touch rule which I know is a load of crap in those dives. Plus extras at the right price. He went to another night club afterwards but paid entry and came straight out again. But until 3am???!! I now cant believe anything he says to me. So distraught. Still not over the first time. He used to go a lot apparently, back in the day. What to do?

I'm obviously going to compare my body to theirs. They're everything he claims not to like....fake everything, tattoos etc. No different to women feeling crap when their blokes are on OF or instagram looking at scantily clad or less women. We always compare and feel inadequate.

You're just being misogynistic now.
Your fiancé is paying sex workers and you blame them? Is it a case of poor little man not being able to help himself when he's being tempted by the nasty women? Fuck that. He's to blame -end of.

I'll say it again he is the problem, not them.

No, it’s really not obvious that you’d do any such thing. In your situation, that’s honestly the last thing that would occur to me. As how attractive they are/aren’t IS NOT THE POINT.

It’s completely irrelevant to the fact that this man is disgusting. And you’re apparently going to stay with him.

Yes he is the problem. I get that. But if places like that didn't exist I'd feel a lot better. Yes its their choice in most cases, but because of the creeps that go there, women have reported feeling unsafe in the areas around the clubs, and the increase in sexual assaults and rapes in those areas are 75% higher. Yes I have obsessively researched it.

You are treating him shittily now. Properly not nice to keep attacking him.

Leave. If you don’t like it, leave. I don’t like it, I would leave.

What you can’t do if you’re claiming to be a decent person, is stay, but constantly give him verbal abuse and make him feel shit about himself. You’re being nasty to him to make yourself feel better and it’s not on.

I’m not making excuses for him. But your behaviour is pretty unpleasant too.

This is who he is. Accept it or leave.

Anything than actually blame your fiancé eh?

They are sex workers doing their job. Possibly being compelled to do so. Safeguarding your relationship isn’t their job. They are not your sisters, nor would they claim to be. They do not care about you and it’s bizarre you are blaming them for any part of this.

You know who else knew he was in a relationship? Your partner. You know whose job safeguarding said relationship is? Your partner’s. You know who claims to care about you? Your partner.

This is entirely his fault. Rein in your internalised misogyny, stop focusing on nonsense like the women’s bodies and sort your life out.

What a warped mindset to have. Blaming the women he’s paying and he’s exploiting.

They don’t know you, they aren’t in a relationship with you. He is and he’s the one who’s not meant to break your trust or disrespect you yet he has.

Love yourself more than you love him and walk away.

You need counselling to unpick what you learned from your parents dysfunctional relationship.

You appear to have no standards and zero self esteem. Until you get help, you are leaving yourself open to a lifetime of abuse.

So I brush it under the carpet and never explain how it's made me feel? I have spoken to him calmly, and I have raised my voice. He's not adverse to shouting in my face either. I just want honestly and not smokescreens. You're saying I should leave the subject alone and put up and shut up or leave. We've been through a hell of a lot in the time we've been together. I always hope things will get better. The fact that I'm trying to cling on to this might make me an idiot in your eyes,but IF he genuinly wants to change like he says he does, then I'm here for that.

if those places didn't exist, he'd get a handjob in the pub car park. Sorry but you're deluding yourself that this is some 'cycle of hedonistic escapism whenever things get tough'. He's paying for naked women to do things because he likes it and wants it and always will. Dressing this up as anything else is BS, and blaming the women is all kinds of daft. This is what he does, he won't change. You live with it or you draw the line. Otherwise he'll just lie to you and get away with it until he's caught again, on repeat. If you marry him expecting him to change, more fool you.

Twice that you know of.

For goodness sake. He's a cheating scumbag and you are ridiculous for putting with it. Blame the women if it makes you feel better but you are with a nasty piece of work and you clearly have zero self worth.

Nonsense?! Its the reason they go there!!!

He doesn’t give a shit how you feel about it. Or about you.

I don’t know how to reply to this without being insulting, at this point.

Best of luck, OP.

Honestly if you're still with him at this point when you know exactly what he is like and what he has done then this is on you.

Then don't. My head is scrambled eggs

This comes across in all your post. You’re judging and shame them when they’re just doing their jobs. You’re doing because you want to excuse your partner from having responsibility for his behaviour. It’s not like they jumped out at him in Tesco and started pole dancing in him. He choose to go to a strip club. This is his responsibilty no one elses.

IF he genuinly wants to change like he says he does, then I'm here for that.

Seriously do you think he:

a) wants to change

or

b) wants you to shut up about it so is saying he wants to change.

Because his problem isn't that he hates playing pool with strippers and wants to never do that again. His problem is that you hate it and give him shit about it, so he's wants the shit to stop. When it does, he'll find a chance to go back to doing it for as along as he can get away with it. Because if you stay, he's getting away with it. There's no planet on which he wants to change because he's suddenly gone off paying for other women's tits and ass and probably more besides.

No, you leave.

You spoken about it, you’ve told him how you feel. What do you want from him now? The truth? Well you’re not going to get it. The trust is gone so you will never believe him, whatever he says.

Calling him a ‘vile little creep’ and repeatedly verbally abusing and punishing him is not on.

Yep. That's the worst thing. That it was a choice. A choice to forget all his promises.

You actually sound like him.

yet you're still here for it if he promises to change. his promises are meaningless.

He is a liar and you need to decide of you want to waste your one and only life with such a creep. What is more important to you , having a man at any cost or living a peaceful life with good people ?