Niche Mumsnet things

[manicpixieschemegirl]

I don’t mean commando crawling behind the sofa when the door bell rings or one chicken seeing an entire family through the winter. Slightly more obscure things you see crop up quite often that you’ve never heard anyone say or do in real life. I’ll go first -

OP looking for a miracle product or cut for their frizzy, untameable hair but point blank refusing to blow dry or style it in any way shape or form.

People falling over themselves to call an OP unreasonable for being miffed that the guy she’s dating hasn’t been in contact for a few days. Apparently a text exchange every 3-5 business days is more than enough and OP is clearly needy and deeply insecure.

The awfulness of the school gates.

I don't see it in reality because I met and chat to loads of people from my school gates but on Mumsnet they seem to be some kind of mutant evil breed.

Someone declared the other day, in absolute disgust at another obese person having the temerity to exist, that everyone was slim and a “healthy weight” where she lived. I thought where is that then love? In your head?

I agree with the contact thing.

I find it super weird that when anyone says they're upset they've been ghosted by someone they care about, they get told its completely normal for close friends to text each other "once every decade" and if you expect any more than that you are needy and suffocating. It almost then becomes a competitive "lack of contact" competition about who can go the longest without talking to their friends (who they are meant to, you know, care about and want to talk to) and they seem bizarrely proud of themselves about it too 🤣

Eg "I only speak to my best friend once a millennia and we are still super close friends and understand each other's need for 1000 years of space between contact"

'Have you thought about a jumpsuit?' as a response to any poster looking for a dress for any occasion.

I'm being a bit mean because people are trying to be helpful but jumpsuits are hideous things that suit virtually no one.

Yes! I remember waiting at the school gates for the first time having read all this "school gates" drama and wondering if i was in a parallel universe.

In the thousands of days and multiple settings I've done the school run it's literally been just people queuing/standing around and chatting pleasantly. Not so much of a whiff of a parking dispute or anything.

That absolutely everything needs to be split down the middle in a marriage, never mind one of you is better at DIY and the other at cooking or you work completely different hours - otherwise you have an unequal relationship and a misogynistic dh.
And God forbid if you are a SAHM - if you do anything other than put your baby into full time childcare at 6 months and don’t get straight back to working 10 hour days you are an idiot and will inevitably have your dh run off with his secretary and leave you and the dc’s destitute and sent to the poorhouse.

Oh, and if you’re eating less than 800 calories a day and not doing Pilates, hot yoga and resistance training (or whatever the new fad is) of course you shouldn’t expect to lose weight.

The abbreviations DC, DH, DP and most of all DDog.

People talking about “the car” and “the garden” as if these are universal. Loads of people don’t have cars or gardens, especially in London (including me). Half of Mumsnet would assume we live in poverty, whereas in reality my London flat is worth double what they’d get for their semi in Kettering.

Having to build friendships with neighbours who at best you have nothing at common with and at worst you actively can’t stand, just in case one day you might have to go to hospital and you’ll need them to look after your kids.

😂to be fair I have had the odd 'massive salad' that has been totally out of control.

People who troll / gang up on others for not sharing their opinion. I had this recently, posted on an opinion poll post, not personal or aimed at anyone I’m careful not to do that, and had another poster literally take one or two words of my post and make it fit their own narrative, mostly just point blank lying. Then others made nasty digs and it eventually transpired they were serial Mumsnet posters who had spoken before on other threads. Unknowingly I was being ambushed by a group of bullies. I didn’t realise people used this app like that 😔

To people struggling to cope with the myriad demands of modern life (work, kids, home, life admin etc), always the answer is “Get a cleaner”. Unless the OP is fairly well-off, this is the MN equivalent of “Let them eat cake!” (I’ve also seen “Get a housekeeper”.)

Yes, to be fair my salad usually consists of a block of cheddar the size of a brick and a bowl of full fat coleslaw 🤣

Yes, I got ganged up on over something a few weeks ago, can’t even remember exactly what it was but my post was pulled apart, taken in completely the wrong way and I was made out to be some sort of weirdo. It was dsconcerting. I just never went back to that one.

Noisy neighbours can easily be dealt with by moving to a detached house in the country in fact its your own silly fault for not doing this in the first place.

The drama over giving and receiving gifts. In RL I don't anybody that weighs up the effort, amount of thought that might have gone into the purchase and of course the cost being more or less than considered appropriate.

Yes! This. Or, “I’m struggling with lack of sleep with my newborn” “Why isn’t your husband doing exactly half of the night feeds?” “Erm… because I’m breastfeeding”…

The insane number of people whose ex has a personality disorder. In my day your exes were just regular, everyday tw*ts, but now they are all “narcissists”.

I don’t mean commando crawling behind the sofa when the door bell rings or one chicken seeing an entire family through the winter

This really made me chuckle OP 😂

🤣🤣

LTB, no matter how trivial the argument! 😂

Endless arguments over whether summer is awful or not. Same for Christmas and January, etc.

People who are genuinely terrified of London.

‘I have to go to London tomorrow for work / my 28 yr old DD is going on a night out in London tomorrow…will we be safe?’

No. No, you won’t. We are all knife wielding gang members and terrorists, innit bruv.

You should probably stay at home in Safesville, draw your curtains and not answer your door even to your friends.

I think I've mentioned this before, but only on Mumsnet will you find friendship groups that are anything but friendly, and just seem to be an adult extension of the school Mean Girls Club we all remember with such affection... 😨

Posters who take massive umbrage at a perceived slight that was nothing of the sort. Ages and ages ago, someone asked about side effects of weight loss injections. I mentioned that I'd read that gastroparesis is a rare one, but particularly horrible. A poster angrily asked if I expected her to stop taking her antidepressants too, because they too have side effects. Another then accused me of encouraging the other poster to have suicidal thoughts. You really couldn't make it up!

People who think celebrating anything is childish.
Want to celebrate your birthday? Childish
Excited for Christmas? Childish
Looking forward to your own wedding? Childish! Clearly brainwashed by insta.

And people who think that everything must be for social media. Some of us just want things to look nice for our own enjoyment. I may be young but nothing I do is for insta...I don't have insta!

Oh and people who act like having friends is just an inconvenience, and all friends must be cold and distant otherwise they're too needy and childish.