Niche Mumsnet things

[manicpixieschemegirl]

I don’t mean commando crawling behind the sofa when the door bell rings or one chicken seeing an entire family through the winter. Slightly more obscure things you see crop up quite often that you’ve never heard anyone say or do in real life. I’ll go first -

OP looking for a miracle product or cut for their frizzy, untameable hair but point blank refusing to blow dry or style it in any way shape or form.

People falling over themselves to call an OP unreasonable for being miffed that the guy she’s dating hasn’t been in contact for a few days. Apparently a text exchange every 3-5 business days is more than enough and OP is clearly needy and deeply insecure.

'I'm a bit sad and worried that maybe I look older than my years - honest opinions, what do you think from this picture?'

"No idea why you'd ask random strangers this. Why do you care?"
"Hard to say without knowing your exact weight OP, but I'd say about 97. That dress is very ageing though"
"No idea how old you look but didn't want to read and run."
"not what you were asking, but those curtains in the picture are awful"
"I was going to say 62, but the knees give you away. 78, maybe?"
"Man here, hope you don't mind my two pennorth. Don't worry about what anybody says to you about your age: as long as you smile and love yourself, that beauty will shine through. The sexiest thing a woman can do is be confident in her own body"

Actually I recently read that last comment from a man 😂

As a relative newcomer, I’m always surprised at threads where OP is having a huge house extension, there’s no roof and the builders are stressing her out. Posters will advise her to get signed off work with stress.

Errr no love, you brought this on yourself… it’s not the fault of your employer.

Also, stupid stupid suggestions that nobody would do in real life.

"I would be pouring custard all over all of his clothes, OP. When he asks you why, smile sweetly and tell him you assumed he liked food where it shouldn't be as that's the only possible reason he didn't wipe the counters in the kitchen. Then inform him you are going away for a spa weekend and you hope he and the kids have a lovely bit of time together. Sorted."

Yes, you can never simply decline an invite. You must make up an outlandish lie such as you are having a leg amputated. Then, to keep up the pretence so noone finds out you have lied, you have to hop everywhere for the rest of your life. Its worth it though to miss that one family event!

OP: 'My lifelong best friend has been a bit slow at replying to texts recently, she was 10 minutes late the last time we met up and seemed preoccupied the whole time. Should I cut ties?'
AIBU option A: 'Unfriend, block, and move on with your life. She sounds exhausting.'
AIBU option B: 'Are you 15? Honestly OP, who pays so much attention to how often their friend texts them? You sound exhausting.'
AIBU option C (often completely absent): 'Have you asked her what's wrong?'

‘Just move’ to any slight issue, be it neighbours, garden, bedrooms, parking etc.

Oh yes and all threads in Style and Beauty must contain at least one post saying “wear what you like”. Also anyone that dares to admit to wanting to buy new clothes is participating in “fast fashion”, only wearing things once before condemning them to landfill, chucking out their entire wardrobe every year to replace it with “tat”, child labour in developing nations.

In fact I hate the way the word tat is thrown around on MN to describe anything inexpensive, slightly frivolous, brightly coloured, or otherwise not to the poster’s impeccable taste, houses full of tat are everywhere it seems.

I once came across a Turkish resort on Trivago called Crystal Tat. I've always wondered if it's Liberace's old home...

This is spot on!

And a worrying number of people still think interviews are like scenes from 80s sitcoms, where you go in with your neatly typed references in an envelope, which the interviewer spends two seconds looking at before saying “I must say, these are VERY impressive”. And woe betide you if you leave a job on bad terms, because you will not get the all-important reference.

In reality, most hiring managers and recruiters count themselves lucky if they eventually get a standard form “I can confirm Mabel Staples worked as Head Turd Polisher at XYZ Ltd. from March 2022 to April 2024” email from the HR department a month after Mabel has started anyway.

With Style & Beauty no one seems to be able to read the room. If OP isn’t into fashion and has a budget of £50 to buy a dress you’ll have posters linking £500 dresses from Klements or the like and then sneer at those who point out that’s not the brief.

On the other hand, someone with a budget of £1000 who only wears natural fabrics will be met with links to Roman or Yours Clothing, and sanctimonious wailing about food banks and how anyone could possibly justify spending that much on a dress.

People who use the word horrid, but far worse the people who ‘guffaw’ . Absolute bellends, nobody talks like an Enid Blyton book in rl. Also cliques, aka people who are friends. Oh and another one , ‘ grimace’ is creeping in. Nobody says that either.

😆

My absolute favourite is when a poster is complaining about her useless husband who can't even make beans on toast and has never looked after his children on his own and people just go "just book a week away and leave him with the kids".

Oh yeah because that would be a lovely chilled holiday and you'd definitely just be able to switch off and relax😂

This is so, so true 😂

Rich People shouldn’t be allowed, it’s not fair.

Style & Beauty is a whole world of strangeness.

Asking for fashion advice from a bunch of complete strangers who's tastes in clothes are completely unknown and unknowable is just fucking odd.

It's less strange to ask a random stranger on a bus for fashion advice. At least you can see what bus stranger is wearing and make a judgement on whether you might possibly value their input.

Grandparents can never, ever be expected to help out with their own grandchildren. If they do, they must be forever revered and paid for their time. If anyone dares express the wish that grandparents were more involved, they will be met with responses like 'it's your child, you chose to have it, why should you expect any help from them, they've done their time bringing you up already'.

If grandparents ARE involved, you must be eternally grateful and you aren't allowed to complain about their style of child care. Even if the kid is smoking weed and watching inappropriate TV all day, you must never ever bring it up, because you CHOSE to have the child and foist it upon grandparents. Grandparents should not be expected, ever, to play a decent part in the child's upbringing.

All mils are the devil incarnate. If a mil dares to buy your dc a chocolate advent calendar you must immediately go nc. She’s had her time, she should butt out and leave Your Little Family alone and at the same time tell your dh to cut the apron strings. (NB, not applicable to posters’ own dms who are welcome as loving grandparents to buy as many advent calendars as they like…)

Fwiw I’ve definitely heard “absolute bellend” in RL

I talk like that

No - and this is a great example of the black and white thinking and ageism on Mumsnet. I've more often seen the complete opposite on here - if grandparents don't drop everything and offer free childcare, then posters ask on here if they should go low or no contact. Even if the GPs are not 'wealthy boomers' then they should give up work - cos on here, everyone over 50 is rich and privileged obvs. It's a (not subtle) form of blackmail and/or coercive control.

The post you quoted was also using it "in real life".

‘Can anyone help me find Emma Bunton’s blouse’
’Trans women are not women’
’She’s contributing to harming kids including her own’

It started as just help someone find a pink blouse from River Island….

Only on MN do you go from pink polyester on a birthday to harming kids.

'Managing the household'

I sometimes think I am doing this wrong, because I can keep my house clean and tidy, stay on top of the laundry, bills and other ad hoc chores with three or four hours a week. It seems on here people are living in Blenheim Palace size homes and need the skills of a FTSE 100 CEO just to stay in top of things.