Niche Mumsnet things

[manicpixieschemegirl]

I don’t mean commando crawling behind the sofa when the door bell rings or one chicken seeing an entire family through the winter. Slightly more obscure things you see crop up quite often that you’ve never heard anyone say or do in real life. I’ll go first -

OP looking for a miracle product or cut for their frizzy, untameable hair but point blank refusing to blow dry or style it in any way shape or form.

People falling over themselves to call an OP unreasonable for being miffed that the guy she’s dating hasn’t been in contact for a few days. Apparently a text exchange every 3-5 business days is more than enough and OP is clearly needy and deeply insecure.

This, so much snobbery about school mums or class WhatsApp groups. "I'd never dream of joining the class WhatsApp group" ok dear but you'll be on here in 20 years time saying you're lonely and have no friends, or in a year or two saying you've got literally no one that can help you with school pick up so you can attend your live saving hospital appointments.

Also don't think this is necessarily niche mumsnet but the amount of threads on here where the OP has moved in a "partner" (who is anything but) after a few months and their kids are miserable. I can't believe the number of women who put their need to have a man, no matter how vile, above their children's wellbeing.

Or, I dunno, go down a size. We all know that clothes sizes have changed. Just buy the size that fits

Tbf I've got a small top half (and big arse) and "buy the size that fits" is an impossible mission, especially when buying online. But I think that's largely down to everything being cut in "relaxed fit", with lots of jumpers (cough m&s cough) in this odd overly stretchy loose material. Therefore I haven't bought any new tops for over a year because there isn't anything I like that fits.

I went shopping for raincoats with a friend and she was amazed at how every size in one particular shop did swamp me. It's not cos I'm teeny tiny, I just have proportions that no-one caters for! I've given up on trousers as well.

I don't moan on here about it though (before now) because people misinterpret complaints about no clothes in my size as digs at people who can find clothes that fit! I just accept it as another thing I can't have until the fashion or manufacturing practices change.

Things "not sitting right" with people. It's usually code for "I know what I don't like about this situation but I want people to validate me/confirm that I am, in fact, the rightest person of all time".

The constant diagnosis of "must be ND" to excuse shitty behaviour! You can't diagnose a stranger on the Internet based off 1 incident the OP has posted about ffs

Oh, I agree about the “friends” sniffiness.

You can’t make friends at work, certainly not at the school gate, definitely not amongst neighbours… I have even seen posters say that you don’t go to university to make friends!

It makes me wonder where their friends are from? So many times I’ve seen the “I have my friends already,” as a reason to shun any hapless overtures themselves and as an instruction to any poster daring to wonder if they might forge a connection in quite reasonable places.

Can I add when people are asking for advice and put an absolute minimum of details e.g where should they go on a holiday and no info about ages, interests, budgets etc.
In real life people never do this. They would give you the whole a lot of details ( sometimes even too much 😀) before asking you for an advice

Oh I know what it’s like to be an ‘awkward’ shape😅 I was a pear until menopause - narrow shoulders, small boobs and big hips. Clothes shopping was tricky at times to say the least. I was referring to the disingenuous posters whose main mission is to snipe about how big everyone is these days. There are perfectly polite people who post about the problem they’re having with finding something that fits without resorting to deliberately goady comments about vanity sizing.

A vehement insistance that all dogs should be trained to pee and poo only in the gutter, and never go anywhere else when out and about.

These people don't seem to live anywhere with traffic, bikes, or e-scooters. Any dog owner trying that in most places I've been to in the past year would face a high risk of their dog being injured or killed.

They also seem to insist lots of dogs do it. I've never seen a single dog do this in my life.

I think they must inhabit very special Mumsnet villages, where everyones washing lines are filled daily with billowing sheets and boil-washed towels, the children are impeccable, and there is not a single toilet brush to be found.

Pretending you don’t understand or are “confuuuuuused” if someone uses “they” instead of he or she. It’s so bloody disingenuous.

Oh god this. It drives me mad. Also about baby/ toddler groups - they're all hotbeds of bitchiness and cliques too apparently. Whereas in my experience they were just a load of tired mums grateful for a cup of tea and the chance for their toddler to chuck some different toys around for a bit. Some people were chatty, some weren't, and if they weren't I can't say I ever really cared that much, I just drank my tea, played with DD and left. I'm not sure if it was because we were coming out of covid lockdowns and I was just desperate to be out of the house (and really missed it when we'd go back into lockdown and the groups would be cancelled), but I feel really strongly that they were a bloody lifeline.

Some posters are almost competitive in their need to show how isolated and without support they are, therefore anyone else who thinks it's normal for a friend or family member to help out occasionally is entitled and doesn't know they're born. So many posters berating other mums on here for being sad that their own mum won't watch the baby for an hour so they can go to a doctors appointment. 'Well, we never had any help with childcare, nobody has ever watched our kids not even for hospital appointments, I had 4 under 5, my husband worked off shore, all my family lived at the other end of the country, we didn't know the neighbours and none of my friends were local and I STILL MANAGED'. I always think a) well you're clearly still bitter about it, b) how bizarre that you chose to arrange your life that way, and didn't put any effort at all into building some kind of local community/ support network, and c) just because you made such extreme choices doesn't mean you get to tell other posters that they're entitled little snowflakes for needing a bit of help.

My other one seems more recent, I don't remember it being so prevalent when I first started reading/ posting here years back.

The need to have absolutely every single detail of a given situation, plus the OP's entire family tree, employment history, blood group and dietary preferences before you can possibly comment on their question about whether or not it's wrong for their neighbour to demand access to their back garden for hurling practice every other Wednesdays.

The constant accusations of 'drip feeding' when half the time it has nothing to do with the actual question being asked, and in reality that's how interactions/ conversations are supposed to work. It's perfectly normal when describing a problem or asking for help to not give every last little detail, and to be reminded/ prompted to share more facts as the conversation progresses either in response to questions or because you realise that more context is needed.

Wow what did Kettering do to you?!

I actually really like jumpsuits. I have one that suits me perfectly. It’s a miracle as I am not very tall.

Also how often do you go to the loo during a meal out or a night out?

The special non-existent MN eyes that are laser focused down one specific tunnel of vision and cannot see anything else.

"Why on earth were you looking at her arse/his trousers?" Well, because it is literally a part of their body, and that body is right in front of me and my eyes don't have magic powers to blur out selected parts of people's bodies.

Your mother/father/mil/fil is being a bit crotchety: 'could it be early onset dementia'?

@HelpMeUnpickThis "Also how often do you go to the loo during a meal out or a night out?"
When you get to my age (ancient) - quite a few times, and sometimes it's quite urgent!

Flat caps with whippets on strings ? Bloomin 'ec that's a strange hat

I am still amazed, after 15+ years on here, how difficult people find it to accept that not everyone lives a life like theirs. They just will not accept that it’s possible or to be wealthy and not flash; to be barely making ends meet but not be feckless or making a major mistake somewhere with their spending; that cities aren’t all crime-ridden dens of filth and depravity; that all rural areas aren’t bucolic and peaceful.

And there are so, so many more people who can’t see beyond the UK’s borders even if they can see beyond their own daily lives in the UK: MNers who say “even if you sent me to Dubai on an all-expenses-paid 7* holiday by private jet where I’d be treated like a queen I’d say no because human rights”, often the same posters who elsewhere will complain about how long and dull and grey and cold winter is. And people saying the whole of America is a threat to their personal safety if they step foot in LA or NYC or Florida.

I think in real life these posters must say something different but inside must be thinking these thoughts. It’s like MN is a confessional of some sort, for all their dumbest ideas.

The atomisation of families is definitely something which seems prevalent on Mumsnet that I just don’t see reflected in real life. If your relationship with your parents, adult children and grandchildren isn’t distant and transactional, you’ll be accused of being enmeshed.

Having "friends" you don't actually like and always attributing the worst possible intentions to anything they do.

The weaponisation of "making memories"

You want to buy a watch? Well, Id rather spend the money "making memories".

Planning on buying a handbag? Well, Id rather spend the money "making memories".

Okay fine, but I cant remember where i went or what I did on holiday 7 years ago but ive still got my watch and bag - both of which have sentimental value because of the things ive experienced while wearing them (aka, made bloody memories!)

People being horrified by any kind of flexibility at work, including doing the school run, WFH or flexitime. Everyone must be stuck to their desk the entire day or they're taking the piss and making someone cover their 'shift', despite a lot of people not doing shift work and their jobs are based upon output and results.

School run angst. I only ever see the terms 'queen bee' or 'head mum' here. Everyone I know just drops off, says hi to whoever is there and leaves.

Yeah if it just said dog rather than ddog none of us would have a clue what they meant.

This. And also the posters who pick on one tiny, irrelevant detail of the OP and ignore the actual issue.

OP: Great big long post about sitting on a bench with her toddler, a stranger comes up and demands they move. OP refuses and a row begins. OP makes casual fleeting mention of the fact her toddler was eating sausage roll at the time.

Poster: You let your kid eat a sausage roll? Wtf?

🙄.