MN phrases that aren’t said in real life and make you laugh

[Hotchocolateandmarsh]

I’ve never heard anyone say give your head a wobble in real life. I have no idea why but if makes me smile everytime someone uses it. I picture one of those bobble heads 😂

What’s your favourite MM phrase?

Sucking the life out of everything is also a MN thing!

'I could do with some support' would suffice.

"Who left the gate to the cunt farm open".
I might have used this once or twice in rl

“I’m broken” or “it’s broken me”. The melodrama!

The overly descriptive writing style of a lot of mumsnetters also really amuses me. No one ever just has curly brown hair and hazel eyes, for example - it would be “A wild mane of chestnut brown Botticelli curls and warm amber eyes with flecks of emerald.”

Already a thread...

Poster finds condoms, some dolt suggests 'posh wank' which has never ever been a real thing...

Food of the gods is a phrase I have only ever come across here, most recently in a thread about bread sauce, which is just hysterical (see what I did there :p).

Happy Christmas!! 🎄

Eh, I took my DDog/DCat to the vet/for walk, whatever.
Never heard this.
😁

Giving your head a wobble! It makes me cringe and I’ve never heard it in real life!

Get your ducks in a row
Give your head a wobble
Am I being unreasonable
My vagina has clamped shut

And I have never heard the word ‘cunt’ in real life as much as I have on MN.

Hate the phrase and actually heard someone say “picky bits” recently.

I have yet to hear someone in realife asking someone to evidence their comment with a link.

Standing at school gates -

“Honestly, kids these days get way more homework than we ever did.”

“Do you have a link to a peer-reviewed source for that?”

I agree with this but it's not specific to MN - it's all over social media and I think probably more so in other places (I'm on a local Facebook group and a parenting teens Facebook group, in both of which people daily recount somewhat implausible tales of conversations or interactions in which they detail a normal conversation in which out of nowhere the other person "suddenly started screaming at me").

I have noticed my teen son appears to use the word "screaming" to mean any nagging or criticism rather than actual screaming even in spoken conversation. From time to time he will claim that I "screamed at him" to clear up some rubbish he's left (or something similar) and when I ask whether I actually used a screeching high pitched incredibly loud voice he'll say "well no but I was going to do it, you didn't have to tell me.."

It's very irritating when words are used hyperbolically so often that they lise any meaning. I think "screaming" doesn't mean "screaming" any more...

Amazing falls into this category too. "Amazing " no longer means genuinely inspiring awe and wonder, it just means slightly better than absolutely shit (see posts about "amazing" husbands/ partners/boyfriends who don't do paid work or do domestic work or do childcare and say mean and critical things to their partner and children but don't actually cheat or hit anyone and therefore are still "amazing"...

My tattooed with piercings son said that a few day’s ago 🫣😫

Isn't food of the gods from Greek mythology? I dont think you could get a much older saying 😂

Are you on glue?

When someone says “ddog” on here makes me want punch a wall or something. Just say dog ffs!

Being mortified, horrified, crying and shaking.

Being livid. Usually over a complete non-event like someone giving you a nasty look at Tesco’s or telling your child to stop running around the cafe.

”He will be told in a stern voice”.

Not quite what you asked OP, but i was on mumsnet for years before I worked out what STBXH meant - I used to read it as “shit the bed ex-husband”

Ambrosia - always makes me think they ate rice pudding.

Circus and monkeys, unsure which order but only read on MN, never heard in real lofe.

The weird obsession with siblings having names that apparently suit each other.
Example..
You can’t call your daughter Tilly when your son is called Tom, it’s abuse to have two names starting with T, they are individuals not Take That for Christ sake!
The Dear thing is silly.
And the obvious.. Leave the bastard.

The: “just don’t open/answer the door to them” when poster asks what to do about relatives or friends turning up early/late/unexpectedly. I don’t imagine anyone does this in real life.

“That doesn’t work for me”.

Oh indeed - but not one that is ever, in my experience, used in real life. Yet on MN bread sauce, macaroni cheese and other nondescript nursery foods are descried as such :)

Oh I absolutely hate this one although I have heard it recently in s TV programme.

All the DD, DS, DM nonsense - It takes me longer to fiddle about with caps on and off than it does to type the whole word. Bonkers.

Suggesting the OP “have a quiet word” always gives me images of a father and son smoking cigars and drinking port in the library whilst father tells son that his mother has been shaking and crying all afternoon because of the shocking baby name he and DW have chosen. “You cannot name him Terry.”