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Original poster

Would you insist adult DC eats with you on Boxing Day?

240 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/12/2025 12:32

DS1 is 20 and back from uni for the holidays.

He has a GF and of course is spending lots of time with her at the moment.

He told us yesterday that he would be spending Boxing Day with her which is fine, although I am disappointed that he may not be back for the special dinner that we always cook on Boxing Day.

I'm really torn between letting him get on with it and it being his choice whether he is home for dinner, or whether I should say that we would like him to be home for dinner.

I don't want to dictate what he does with his time, but would really like him to spend it with us, and I know his brother and Dad would like him to be there too.

I could ask her to come to dinner too, but she is away the next day and the indication is that she wouldn't be able to.

Sigh! I thought this would get easier as they got older...

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 24/12/2025 19:39

You can tell him they would both be very welcome, but no more than that.

Starsea · 24/12/2025 19:44

All you can do is tell him his girlfriend is welcome to join too and see if that makes him change his mind. He's an adult and free to do what he wants to.

BuckChuckets · 24/12/2025 19:44

FunnysInLaJardin · 24/12/2025 14:06

really laughing about the outrage that we are not having a traditional Christmas dinner. Its almost as if some people simply can't imagine that others may do things differently

I think it's more the fretting about not seeing an adult DC on the 'big roast' day because Christmas day is too busy?

fishandchives · 24/12/2025 19:51

Totally get you'd love him there. But as you probably know deep down, you can't insist or guilt trip. I haven't rtft but why not invite his gf for Boxing Day supper? If they're not up for it tell him to enjoy and have fun. This is not the time in your adult son's life to tighten the ropes.

UneAnneeSansLumiere · 24/12/2025 19:59

YABVU. I'm presuming that he will be with you for Christmas day? If so, you need to stop being controlling or you will see less of him than before, he might decline to spend Christmas with you at all!

LBOCS2 · 24/12/2025 20:06

We always did Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve as we went to family friends’ for canapés and fizz on Christmas Day and by the time we got back DM couldn’t be arsed to do a full roast dinner (and my grandmother would be having kittens the whole time that the turkey was burning down the house). We then had an ‘at home’ on Boxing Day which usually involved 30-40 of our parents’ closest friends plus associated relatives, and they’d put on a full buffet for that so I’m sure not having to cook on the day was a good respite. Lots of different ways of doing it - I’d be happy with canapés all day to be honest!

Luckyingame · 24/12/2025 20:19

Of course you cannot insist.
The bad outcome in the future wouldn't be for him, but for you.

housethatbuiltme · 24/12/2025 20:34

He is an adult... of course you can't 'insist' anything.

Cut the umbilical cord.

Lavender14 · 24/12/2025 20:45

Sorry op but I think yabu in this case. Irregardless of when/ what you decide to eat there are essentially 3 'special' days Xmas eve/ Xmas day/ boxing day and you've got him for 2 of the 3. I think it's really natural when they have a partner that one of those 3 days is going to be spent with the partners family if they're serious about each other. I would just ask him with no inference whether he'll be back for boxing day dinner or not or if he wants anything kept and accept his answer and go with it. I think extend an offer to both of them, but it sounds like her family has already done this for your son which is a nice thing on their/her part to include him in that way. This is a natural part of the progression into adulthood and while you're absolutely going to have feelings about it, it's your job to hold those and try to focus on the positives that he's growing up, he has people who care about him, a relationship he's happy in and places in life where he's welcome, those are all good things.

parakeet · 24/12/2025 21:17

FunnysInLaJardin · 24/12/2025 14:06

really laughing about the outrage that we are not having a traditional Christmas dinner. Its almost as if some people simply can't imagine that others may do things differently

Well I guess it's now his turn to choose to do things differently... from you.

GreyCarpet · 24/12/2025 21:20

I don't understand these threads.

My daughter is 19 and in her second year at university.

She finished on 12th December and came home the following day. She was home for a week and then left to spend Christmas with her boyfriend and his family on Saturday. She's 100+ miles away and will be home after New Year.

I love her. I want her to be happy. I want her to forge a life for herself. And I'm happy that other people love her enough to want to spend Christmas with her too! She knows all of that. Who knows, maybe they'll spend christmas here next year 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really can't see the problem with your son spending Boxing Day with his girlfriend, tbh.

Nothing7 · 24/12/2025 21:41

Sorry but this is controlling! He’s an adult and he’s with you Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. To then shift the meal out to 27th so he is obligated to come as doesn’t have the excuse of spending time with his girlfriend etc just doesn’t sit right with me.
fwiw I now go away after Xmas - so do Xmas Eve / day / Boxing Day with family but it became too much so now we as a family (me dh and ds’s have gone away from 27th to new year for the last 5 years just to have some space and not have the conversations where family cannot take no for an answer as we book it months in advance

BooBooDoodle · 24/12/2025 21:42

My mother did this (I’m 45!). Every Boxing Day we had to show our faces or she’d throw a fit. It was never any fun, all for show and our presents, even for her grandkids, were always kept at hers and we had to open them there every year and not on Christmas Day. This upset my kids as they got older because they knew they had certain presents at grandmas and she wouldn’t allow them to opened anywhere but her house and she wouldn’t give them to us until new year if we couldn’t go and this was a year we went to see my in laws. We spoiled Christmas that year. You sound like my mother who we no longer have contact with.

Nothing7 · 24/12/2025 21:43

What you could do if it’s so important to have the special meal together is have it on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day - it’s not reasonable to try and commandeer him for the whole of the holiday period

ThatAgileRosePanda · 24/12/2025 22:05

Your DS is an adult - it’s one of those things you will have to let go and put up with. He will be back for more Boxing Days, but he’s in a relationship now and you’ll have to share him. That’s how it should be and it’s good he’s happy isn’t it?

Original poster
FunnysInLaJardin · 24/12/2025 22:10

Lavender14 · 24/12/2025 20:45

Sorry op but I think yabu in this case. Irregardless of when/ what you decide to eat there are essentially 3 'special' days Xmas eve/ Xmas day/ boxing day and you've got him for 2 of the 3. I think it's really natural when they have a partner that one of those 3 days is going to be spent with the partners family if they're serious about each other. I would just ask him with no inference whether he'll be back for boxing day dinner or not or if he wants anything kept and accept his answer and go with it. I think extend an offer to both of them, but it sounds like her family has already done this for your son which is a nice thing on their/her part to include him in that way. This is a natural part of the progression into adulthood and while you're absolutely going to have feelings about it, it's your job to hold those and try to focus on the positives that he's growing up, he has people who care about him, a relationship he's happy in and places in life where he's welcome, those are all good things.

Incidentally, although lots of people don’t realise it, this is chat and not AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
FunnysInLaJardin · 24/12/2025 22:12

and please do read my updates. Very tedious to see people blindly replying to my op

OP posts:
SockFluffInTheBath · 24/12/2025 22:24

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/12/2025 13:42

Thanks all, and good suggestion to move the dinner to the 27th.

He will be with us on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, I think.

I think I will just say they are both welcome to join us on Boxing Day and say no more on the subject!

Seems like a good solution. Enjoy the prawns and chocolate mousse OP.

Pres11 · 24/12/2025 22:54

You can’t insist! He is 20!

Original poster
FunnysInLaJardin · 24/12/2025 23:04

Pres11 · 24/12/2025 22:54

You can’t insist! He is 20!

Please rtft

OP posts:
moose62 · 25/12/2025 07:32

One year we had an Indian takeaway (bought it the night before) on Christmas day. We really enjoyed it!
It is hard when DC grow up and traditions change. I'm just going with the flow now and enjoying a different type of Christmas.

Only2daystogo · 25/12/2025 07:44

FunnysInLaJardin · 24/12/2025 22:10

Incidentally, although lots of people don’t realise it, this is chat and not AIBU

Show quote history

OP I think you’re being rude here. The poster is taking their time to give good, kind advice. If you don’t listen that’s your choice but you’re already putting your son in a difficult place rather than welcoming his choice of partner and accepting that he is an adult with his own life.

Lavender14 · 25/12/2025 08:01

FunnysInLaJardin · 24/12/2025 22:12

and please do read my updates. Very tedious to see people blindly replying to my op

I read all of your updates actually and understand you've decided to move the dinner. My points still stand in terms of what I would have do if in your shoes and i wouldn't have moved the dinner. And again, no it's not AIBU but essentially by the wording in your topic title you're asking people's opinion on whether or not its fair to ask this of your dc, so you can't then be surprised when you get an opinion saying that someone doesn't think it's fair. You may have found my post tedious, I have no control over that nor do I particularly care. I gave you a considered and, (I think) empathetic response and tried to reframe it for you because these things will naturally come up again in future years. You're free to ignore any advice you don't like but I'd query what the point of asking on here is if that's what you're going to do.

Willyoujust · 25/12/2025 08:53

Just say to him that you would love it if him and his gf could join you for dinner if they can. But no you absolutely cannot insist that he is there. He’s a grown man FFS 😆

BoldRobin · 25/12/2025 10:33

"I dont want to dictate what he does with his time"

Proceeds to ponder dictating what he does with his time. Honestly this is so insufferably entitled and arrogant of you.

You cant insist anyone does anything. Maybe he might be more likely to choose to if you weren't so overbearing and controlling?

Just seen you berating others for not updating themselves by reading through your updates.

You have told everyone who you are and why people possibly avoid a sit down meal.