Would you insist adult DC eats with you on Boxing Day?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

DS1 is 20 and back from uni for the holidays.

He has a GF and of course is spending lots of time with her at the moment.

He told us yesterday that he would be spending Boxing Day with her which is fine, although I am disappointed that he may not be back for the special dinner that we always cook on Boxing Day.

I'm really torn between letting him get on with it and it being his choice whether he is home for dinner, or whether I should say that we would like him to be home for dinner.

I don't want to dictate what he does with his time, but would really like him to spend it with us, and I know his brother and Dad would like him to be there too.

I could ask her to come to dinner too, but she is away the next day and the indication is that she wouldn't be able to.

Sigh! I thought this would get easier as they got older...

You said you wouldn’t in this specific circumstance, but you’re indicating that you view it as an acceptable course of action. And yes, it’s blackmail - the financial threat is implicit. You can’t buy your children’s time - and trying to do so is a surefire way to end up with much less of it in the future.

DH and I gave our elder daughter a six figure sum for a house deposit this year; that doesn’t entitle us to her presence at Christmas. When she chooses to come, we’re delighted to see her.

“I don’t want to dictate what he does with his time”

then don’t.

Take the pressure and guilt off him.
Ask them both, and be happy if they come or not. Its the circle of life 😆

Absolutely. He has to find his path, make his choices, and know that you’ll always be there for him.

"we'd all love it if you and Gloria would be back by 6 pm for our usual Boxing Day dinner but understand if you have other plans"

He will be there on Christmas Day I expect? Invite his girlfriend to come whenever she & he wants. Seems reasonable that he sees her on Boxing Day. He’s growing up and away, if you push at him he may become more away.

Just ask if they both want to come to dinner - if they have other plans they'll say so and then you can say not to worry.

Part of growing up. Invite them both and if they have other plans take it with a good heart, don't let him see disappointment. Be happy he is well and he will appreciate it.

We have 4 adult DC, their partners of which some are now husbands and wives (and also now grandchildren) have always been invited to Christmas Dinner and the Boxing Day buffet and are free to attend one or both. They are free to come and stay for as long as they wish or "eat and run" as they will have other people to visit. My only stipulation is that I know well in advance if they are coming or not so that I know how many to cater for, although I can easily fit in an extra few in an emergency. I would rather they come of their own free will than feel pressured to do so.

My parents never guilt tripped me or insisted on us being there even for Christmas Day

as a result my siblings and I had a very nice relaxed relationship with our parents and saw them often, but not always on Christmas Day, but then we’d do a nice dinner together on anther date… as you are doing 😊👍

My 20 yr old is going to be with his girlfriend’s family on Christmas Day, so we had a nice lunch today and having a big family do with the uncles and grannies on the 26th where he and his girlfriend will join us, I think that is ok but some of my friends were shocked 😁

the way I see it is they are grown ups now, and it’s great if they are spreading their wings

IME the only way to get adult DC to do what you want for Christmas is to go abroad and pay for them to come too. Funnily enough they suddenly do have more time to spend with parents then.

It’s hard when your Christmas that you have known for their whole childhood ends. If he’s spending Christmas Day with you then missing Boxing Day is not a big deal even if that’s the day you have a roast.

Mmmm very yummy....
We're ordering from our preferred Indian restaurant tomorrow, opens at 5pm 😁

Yip! DS1 has gone to his gf family at the other end of the country until 3rd Jan! Not overjoyed & will miss him but he’s an adult who can do whatever he likes! Luckily his younger brother & sister have bf/gf who live locally so can see them on a more casual basis!

Well your son wants to do something differently. Your model is why he’s missing the Christmas meal.

I really want to know their schedule on Christmas Day now.

No. I don’t insist my 22dd and 19dd join me at Xmas even and some years they haven’t choosing work or their boyfriends

In fairness, I know a family where the dad has a major role in a cathedral so is working all day and night on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They had what I think of a normal Christmas Day on Boxing Day.

Re the son not wanting to be around on Boxing Day - sure it’s his choice but I’d be a bit irritated to be told four days in advance that he wouldn’t be there for the main event. The OP has probably already got her food in. If there are loads coming then it may not matter though.

Nah, don't insist anything on any day. These are your plans and traditions, let him/them have their own.
My mum has made me feel guilty on several occasions around Christmas arrangements and I would never do this with my son as it can only build resentment and unhappiness.

I'm sure your dear Son will be having Christmas dinner with you, yes? If so then I wouldn't be worried about Boxing Day - Christmas day is the most important & I think it helps to get this in perspective:- For one reason or another, some poor parents don't or can't even have Christmas dinner with one or more of their Beloved Children 🫂I think it's really important to be so grateful & count your blessings, for the premierely precious time you do have with your Beloved Son/s
Much Love To You&Yours 💚

This…. We are adults aged between late 30’s and early 50’s… Everyone is “home” this Xmas, parents cooking, hosting, paying… There have always been some expected meals when we are together… and not just Xmas Day. Everyone pitches in, cooks different days but I cannot imagine anyone saying “oh sorry” we’re not doing this Boxing Day because “other things/people” even when we were not married/with kids, had GF’s/BF’s etc.. It’s not a hotel… have basic manners/respect just completely disappeared!?

Wow I didn't even know Indian Restaurants were open on Christmas Day 💚🤗💚

This is lovely 🤗

My son came back from uni with a girlfriend after term 1 (she visited after Christmas that year) and now they live together and are now alternating, starting with her family as she hasn’t seen much of them recently. Once your DC are adults they are free to do as they please. I am spending Christmas with 1 of my 3 DC this year.

I don’t want to dictate but …..