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Original poster

Would you insist adult DC eats with you on Boxing Day?

240 replies

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/12/2025 12:32

DS1 is 20 and back from uni for the holidays.

He has a GF and of course is spending lots of time with her at the moment.

He told us yesterday that he would be spending Boxing Day with her which is fine, although I am disappointed that he may not be back for the special dinner that we always cook on Boxing Day.

I'm really torn between letting him get on with it and it being his choice whether he is home for dinner, or whether I should say that we would like him to be home for dinner.

I don't want to dictate what he does with his time, but would really like him to spend it with us, and I know his brother and Dad would like him to be there too.

I could ask her to come to dinner too, but she is away the next day and the indication is that she wouldn't be able to.

Sigh! I thought this would get easier as they got older...

OP posts:
Whoknew24 · 25/12/2025 12:17

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/12/2025 12:32

DS1 is 20 and back from uni for the holidays.

He has a GF and of course is spending lots of time with her at the moment.

He told us yesterday that he would be spending Boxing Day with her which is fine, although I am disappointed that he may not be back for the special dinner that we always cook on Boxing Day.

I'm really torn between letting him get on with it and it being his choice whether he is home for dinner, or whether I should say that we would like him to be home for dinner.

I don't want to dictate what he does with his time, but would really like him to spend it with us, and I know his brother and Dad would like him to be there too.

I could ask her to come to dinner too, but she is away the next day and the indication is that she wouldn't be able to.

Sigh! I thought this would get easier as they got older...

He is an adult ! Please take that onboard and leave him alone. You can’t treat him like a child at 20 that’s insane.

oldmoaner · 25/12/2025 12:47

Don't know if he was with you Christmas day, but if his gf is going away on 27th they probably want to spend time together (can you remember what it was like, young and in love?) I'd invite her as well but if they have other plans just say it's a shame would have been nice to all be together and just accept it. Ask if he wants a meal kept so he can have it when his gf is away the next day. Kids grow up, sad fact but it's true, let them come and go as they wish, better than putting pressure on them and driving them away. Enjoy your day whatever he decides.

Nothing7 · 25/12/2025 16:05

Lavender14 · 25/12/2025 08:01

I read all of your updates actually and understand you've decided to move the dinner. My points still stand in terms of what I would have do if in your shoes and i wouldn't have moved the dinner. And again, no it's not AIBU but essentially by the wording in your topic title you're asking people's opinion on whether or not its fair to ask this of your dc, so you can't then be surprised when you get an opinion saying that someone doesn't think it's fair. You may have found my post tedious, I have no control over that nor do I particularly care. I gave you a considered and, (I think) empathetic response and tried to reframe it for you because these things will naturally come up again in future years. You're free to ignore any advice you don't like but I'd query what the point of asking on here is if that's what you're going to do.

Show quote history

She could have moved it back to Christmas Day when he’s there if it’s so important to have the special meal together - as they’re all together that day - so this feels very much like control over how many days he must spend with her. I agree with your comments entirely

Sennelier1 · 25/12/2025 16:12

"You know we would love to have you both here for The Big Roast but if that doesn't work for you we'll do it on the 27th" 🤷🏼‍♀️

Skybluepinky · 25/12/2025 16:24

He is an adult, if he wanted to spend the time with you he would. Uni has shown him that there is more to life than doing what he has been made to do in previous years.

invite the girlfriend round then he may agree.

Disciplinedthinking · 25/12/2025 16:29

Definitely not! Come to my house if you like - eat out with us if you like and go on holidays if you like - I don't believe in forced fun. My dad always said if you love someone set them free and they will come back when they are ready - I'm not a very controlling person but I do share my emotions, I understand my adult kids have other priorities and I don't take it personally/

BunnyLake · 25/12/2025 16:43

FunnysInLaJardin · 24/12/2025 14:06

really laughing about the outrage that we are not having a traditional Christmas dinner. Its almost as if some people simply can't imagine that others may do things differently

This afternoon we have decided that next year we’re going to scrap the traditional Christmas dinner. I’ve no idea what to have instead but definitely something with less faff, less co-ordinated timings and not a mountain of washing up after.

Tiggermad · 25/12/2025 17:15

No.
I have 2 DS who are adults now (still living at home) they spend Christmas Day with us in the day then go to GF homes in the evening and stay there.
we don’t and wouldn’t ever dictate where they spend their time. They are always invited but if they chose the spend anytime with GF and GF family that’s fine.
They are adults so I like them to feel free to do what they choose. I’m happy if we get to spend any time with them as I like them to live their own lives.
They have today but no pressure on them at all.

Pherian · 25/12/2025 19:08

FunnysInLaJardin · 23/12/2025 12:32

DS1 is 20 and back from uni for the holidays.

He has a GF and of course is spending lots of time with her at the moment.

He told us yesterday that he would be spending Boxing Day with her which is fine, although I am disappointed that he may not be back for the special dinner that we always cook on Boxing Day.

I'm really torn between letting him get on with it and it being his choice whether he is home for dinner, or whether I should say that we would like him to be home for dinner.

I don't want to dictate what he does with his time, but would really like him to spend it with us, and I know his brother and Dad would like him to be there too.

I could ask her to come to dinner too, but she is away the next day and the indication is that she wouldn't be able to.

Sigh! I thought this would get easier as they got older...

Nothing to be torn about. He’s an adult. Extend the invite to them both and accept the refusal if they don’t come.

Lockdownsceptic · 25/12/2025 19:24

If he’s not going to be in the house at any time before, during or after the meal then let him get on with his own plans. If he’s going to be hanging around waiting to go out then I’d be insisting he eats with you. Whatever is the GF doing the next day that means she can be with DS but not join you for your special family meal?

Lockdownsceptic · 25/12/2025 19:36

But why come home for.Christmas if he doesn’t want to spend time with his family? It’s the treating his parents home like an hotel that gets me. If Mum has the decency to cook for him, he should have the decency to eat what she cooks. Of course there are always the occasions when he might want to go out for a meal, but I don’t think this is what the thread is about. It’s about coming home for Christmas and not joining in with the Christmas that has been arranged in the house he is living in.

sprigatito · 25/12/2025 19:56

Lockdownsceptic · 25/12/2025 19:36

But why come home for.Christmas if he doesn’t want to spend time with his family? It’s the treating his parents home like an hotel that gets me. If Mum has the decency to cook for him, he should have the decency to eat what she cooks. Of course there are always the occasions when he might want to go out for a meal, but I don’t think this is what the thread is about. It’s about coming home for Christmas and not joining in with the Christmas that has been arranged in the house he is living in.

He does want to spend time with his family. He’s spent Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with them. Is he supposed to sit gazing rapturously at his mother’s face for four days? Funny hotels you’ve been staying in, if you aren’t allowed to go out and see someone else for an afternoon.

Original poster
FunnysInLaJardin · 25/12/2025 20:27

BunnyLake · 25/12/2025 16:43

This afternoon we have decided that next year we’re going to scrap the traditional Christmas dinner. I’ve no idea what to have instead but definitely something with less faff, less co-ordinated timings and not a mountain of washing up after.

Show quote history

good for you! We decided that years ago.

Tonight we had the much maligned prawn hand rolls, and blinis. Some of us had cheese and pudding and others didn't. We also had a couple of good bottles of wine. It was really relaxed and good fun.

We played Christmas song on the xylophones from the christmas crackers and me and DS2 had a game of cards

Fab day

OP posts:
Julimia · 25/12/2025 23:28

No you can't insist. Why not have your special dinner the day after ?

Zerosleep · 26/12/2025 10:56

No you can’t insist anything, he is 29 for god’s sake. Invite the girlfriend is your best hope.

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