Would you insist adult DC eats with you on Boxing Day?

[FunnysInLaJardin]

DS1 is 20 and back from uni for the holidays.

He has a GF and of course is spending lots of time with her at the moment.

He told us yesterday that he would be spending Boxing Day with her which is fine, although I am disappointed that he may not be back for the special dinner that we always cook on Boxing Day.

I'm really torn between letting him get on with it and it being his choice whether he is home for dinner, or whether I should say that we would like him to be home for dinner.

I don't want to dictate what he does with his time, but would really like him to spend it with us, and I know his brother and Dad would like him to be there too.

I could ask her to come to dinner too, but she is away the next day and the indication is that she wouldn't be able to.

Sigh! I thought this would get easier as they got older...

Just the way this is written 🙄 you sound pretentious and annoying … leave him alone 🤦🏻‍♀️

And chocolate mousse for dessert 👎🏻

Sorry but he is an adult now and gets to chose what he does, you can’t tell him / make him. You can invite them both and they can chose what works for them.

This in a nutshell.

You can't insist he eats with you. YABU.

Edit: just read the bit about nibbles on Christmas day 😱. How can you be too busy on Christmas Day for a roast? Have the roast on Christmas day and then he'll be there for it. No problem.

I am very confused about this family's Christmas schedule. Christmas lunch on Boxing Day, but now possibly on the day after Boxing Day? Because they are too busy on 25th? Doing what? Are they working? Volunteering? What else is going on?

He is 20. You have reached the point where he is going to be balancing his family with a relationship’s family or just his own plans. Staying flexible will make things much easier, especially if you have multiple children who will eventually face the same situation.

Hes 20 you can't insist on anything!

OP if he’s at uni he’s a semi-adult supported in part by you. So all the mindless trilling of you ‘can’t insist because he’s an adult’ is nonsense.

That said, Boxing Day dinner isn’t something to enforce imo, I wouldn’t with my 16 year old let alone a 20 year old.

How is it too busy to cook on Christmas Day? That's literally all there is to do once the presents are opened (or watch tv!)

you need to realise he’s an adult and it’s his choice now, you can’t insist on anything.

Maybe they volunteer or something? Park run? Visiting elderly relatives?

That said, a lot of Christmas dinner could be made in advance and then just shoved in the oven to heat up on the day.

I'd hate nibbles for Christmas dinner too, but if that's what they've always done, meh.

I once insisted my mum not make Christmas dinner as she used to get SO stressed by it, even if someone else did it. I have no idea why. I made two pies ahead of time and we had those with mash and veg that Christmas and everyone was happy enough, but they still wanted Christmas dinner the following year, but it did break the cycle for my mum a bit and she did just let me and my then bf, now husband, do it!

Sorry, was that a massive thread hijack 😳?

@harriethoyle

get a grip, that’s plenty of food! Not every meal has to be meat and two veg…

Only if she dowsn’t want to maintain a good relationship in the future.

And how would you ‘enforce’ it even if you wanted to? Threaten to withdraw his funding for university? That would make for a cheerful meal. Of course he’s at an age now where he can choose where to be on Boxing Day, part supported or not.

Id invite him and girlfriend but say I understand if they can't make it. Postpone it until 27th?

This is a very weird set of criteria for adulthood is it all about money for you? If an adult in their forties is financially dependent on someone else due to illness, disability or circumstance, are they also not adults? SAHMs with young children living on their husbands’ salary, are they adults? My father has dementia and lives with me at my expense - at what point did he lose his adult status?

Thinking that financial support buys you a controlling interest in someone’s decisions is a very slippery slope.

really laughing about the outrage that we are not having a traditional Christmas dinner. Its almost as if some people simply can't imagine that others may do things differently

It’s far more about the fact that this extends what you see as the ‘crucial’ Christmas celebrations over two days, which as your children grow up and build relationships outside your nuclear family, they won’t always be able to give you. If your son is spending Christmas Day with you, it’s unfair to also expect him to spend Boxing Day with you, just because you happen to have your Christmas Dinner on that day. Your traditions may have to change and adapt, and that is entirely normal.

God no! I don't insist my adult and very nearly adult children do anything with us.

Why would I want the company of someone who is spending time with us against their wishes? Will they be invited? Yes always. Will I be disappointed if they don't choose to spend any time with us over Christmas? Yes. Will I make them feel bad about that decision? No never.

You’re advocating use of financial blackmail to force your kids to spend time with you? That is hardly going to engender either a happy environment at said dinner or a positive long-term parent-child relationship.

Nothing wrong with doing things differently or on different days but when you extend the traditional Christmas dinner to be multiple mandatory family meals spanning multiple days you can’t really moan when adult children want to make other plans.

If you read my post I said I wouldn’t 🤦🏻‍♀️

But a 19 year old at uni is not a fully functioning adult and if they entirely want to have no rules they move out.

Mumsnet is very strange on the ‘child until the clock strikes midnight’ subject. Becoming an adult is a transition.

’Financial blackmail’ where to even start with such utter tosh 😂😂😂

Just like your daughter is wanting to do Christmas Day differently yet you’re protesting.