DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

No, she is not KEEPING the kids presents until Boxing Day , more rather she is GIVING them on Boxing Day . And nothing wrong with that .

You sound far more concerned about presents than you do your own DM. Grabby priorities.

Of course they want to see the reaction. We are seeing our in-laws Christmas Eve and daughter will open presents they get her then so they can enjoy her reaction. I always let her open gifts when they are given for this reason and also she appreciates them more than if ripped open along with umpteen other gifts on Christmas Day. Spreads the fun and we get her plenty for the big day anyway.

Honestly I'd just do this.

At that age you could probably pick something up fairly cheap that they would love.

I think it's fair enough your mum doesn't want to spend Christmas night in a hotel.

I don’t think many pp’s will be able to afford beach holidays in Asia and skiing at Christmas, lovely for you but not the most practical solution.

I probably wouldn't rely on others for the bulk of the gifts going forward OP. There's loads of bits you can pick up that don't cost a fortune. Then the kids get 2 days of presents. Try not to stress about it.

Do you not do a Santa’s sack op?

It might be in the minority op but I agree with you.

Our dc have only ever opened gifts on Xmas day. Everyone is invited to ours on Xmas Day - either to have lunch or just for present opening. Most years everyone has come to us, this year MIL has decided she's staying home and wants a quiet day - fine. BIL and family will still be here. She then started to suggest dates for us all to gather at hers to exchange gifts and have our own 'mini christmas'. Christmas Eve was her preference and she's pushed hard for this.

We've been very firm that it's a no. Xmas day is for opening gifts and that's it...if she wants a huge get together, she can come here like every other year.

I don't want the 'diultion' of Christmas Day excitement and also, whilst I'm reasonably festive, I don't wan't the faff and opening and all the rest of it spread over several days. Fuck no, we're one and done.

She's currently sulking. Ho hum.

This isnt about Xmas presents is it?

Its about tying yourself in knots, yet again, to keep a difficult and demanding person happy even though that is virtually impossible. I get the feeling that she is the sort of person who, if she doesnt get things her way, makes sure that no one else can have things their way either.

Why do you keep doing it? Do you feel guilty for saying no to her? Do you feel that you should because she is your mother so you are obligated? Do you worry about her reaction if you say no to her?

Look up FOG in relationships, sounds like you are deep in it and perhaps the best Xmas present you can give yourself would be some therapy to help you unpick why things are like this and what you can do to change how it all affects you.

I've not read the thread but is it her fault there are only three presents under the tree? Couldn't you have got a few more if mils gap is there

You got your kids THREE presents each? I’m a 70s child (when money was tight!) and got more than that then from my parents. I’d be getting yourself to the shops today if I was you.

We always did grandparents presents on Boxing Day. Only the presents from Santa and then the main one which was from my parents, then my parents gifts to each other/from us were done on Christmas Day.

Now we’re grown up, DH and I do presents, and DD gets Santa presents (and the main one from us) on Christmas Day. DH’s dad is coming for lunch and we won’t see him again so we’ll then exchange presents with him. My parents are coming, but we are having a big family Christmas on Boxing Day so we’ll won’t do presents with them until Boxing Day.

The pile of presents is never included anyone else’s presents is what I’m trying to say in a long winded way 😂

It’s your issue being tight and not putting more presents under the tree! Don’t expect family to bump it up to hide your tightness!

I agree with this...I think it's really weird.

Santa comes every year and fills stockings and leaves some extra presents. But under the tree is 'To X from Mum and Dad', 'To X from Nanna R' and all the rest of it.

Seems weird to let dc think no one else in the family bothers to get them a present!

YABU

That’s very sad that you don’t see Xmas through your children’s eyes and enjoy watching their joy and excitement of the day and time and can’t wait until you can what? 🤷‍♀️ not even bother to spend Xmas with them when they are older? Why did you have children? Seriously? You make out your mum is the problem but frankly you need to give your head a wobble! A lot of people would love to have children! I’ve struggled buying bits and bobs for my children all year financially but wanting them to have a load of presents to unwrap on Xmas day and watch them open them and loving seeing all their excitement that comes with opening even little things like chocolate oranges etc or a cheap toy🥰 that is what makes Xmas! Life is short and if god forbid one day you lost one of your children you’d look back on all the happy memories with them and wish you’d put in more than the bare minimum of effort with them at times like Xmas and making memories with them more memorable and happier! 3 presents each?!? You realise those of who struggle financially think about our children all year round and when they see things think oh so and so would love that I’ll buy it and put it away for Xmas/birthday etc. making an effort to make gravy with the juice from the turkey which takes all of 5 minutes to do but yes puts extra time and effort into the meal which is part of showing your love for your children! 🙄😳

I can understand frankly why your mum doesn’t want to come on Xmas day to have to witness you not wanting to put the effort and love into basics like the meal on Xmas day! Have you ever at any point sat back and thought maybe it’s me who’s the problem not your mother? Or that the negative things you feel about her you are also doing to your children? How will you feel in years to come when your children don’t want to come for Xmas or have you over with their families for Xmas as they feel you are difficult and will put a downer on the day?

Of course she wants to see the children open their presents. I always loved having presents to open Boxing Day. It spread the fun out.
if you want your children to have loads of presents to open then you buy them. Don’t rely on other people.

Why will they only have 3 presents each? Are they big( expensive) presents? I'm trying to work ut why only 3? Is that a conscious decision by you?

My children have always opened gifts with the giver when we see them.

Sounds like a you problem. If you don't like that they have three gifts, but more or set your children's expectations. It's not down to other people!

I used to love getting presents on the days after Xmas when I was a kid. More to look forward to.

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

Yes, of course it is.

And she hasn't "decided she doesn't want to come" on Christmas Day. You can't accommodate her, and she'd have to stay in a hotel. Not what she might think of as hospitality, welcome, or how she wants to celebrate a family Christmas.

You sound a bit tetchy with her. She's setting out what she wants to do - it doesn't agree with how you want it, but she's well within her rights to do it how she wants to do it.

And it'll be wonderful for your DC to have TWO Christmas days, in terms of presents and celebrations.

the best christmas I ever had, I got two gifts on christmas day, plus a stocking with the usual book, chocolate and a tangerine (yes I am THAT OLD). One was a proper grown up bureau from my parents that I have still got and the other was a set of very expensive paints that my sibs clubbed together to buy me. I honestly do not get the abundant pile thing.

In itself it’s perfectly reasonable to want to see the gc open their presents on Boxing Day (her personality is probably a thread on its own).

Can you buy sone smaller presents for your children to open, they won’t mind what they are as kids that age like quantity over quality. Chocolate, etc.

I agree with you OP, she’s being selfish and not thinking about the children, just herself. Santa is the delivery man who gives one present from himself in our house so opening the presents on Boxing Day would go against the magic!

No issue whatsoever. You are being ridiculous. Give your head a wobble.