DM doesn’t want to come in Christmas Day, keeping the kids presents until Boxing Day

[User545464]

I’m really upset and need a little perspective here. Note this is chat not AIBU please, I’m looking for opinions. DM and DB live 1.45 hours away. We have previously had them to stay overnight, but it’s always been tense and this year with the recent death of MIL, we’re having BIL to stay overnight anyway so there’s no room. I did offer to pay for a hotel, as DM doesn’t want to “spend all of Christmas Day in the car”, but also doesn’t like that I will have bought gravy and bought custard, amongst 101 other ways I do things that she doesn’t like. (I don’t have a range cooker like she does!!! Plus want to spend time with everyone not be cooking all day). So they’ve decided they’ll come on Boxing Day instead.

Which is fine, all absolutely fine. We’re sorry we won’t be seeing them, but we will still hopefully have a lovely Christmas Day and full credit to them for deciding their boundaries and coming up with a plan which works for them.

My issue is that I met them last week, and we’d loosely discussed handing over presents. (Both ways), without being specific on which ones. I’ve bought a few bits for mum to give others and she’s picked up some things for me to give, in addition to what we’re giving each other. The problem is mum has decided she wants to see the kids open their presents so she and DB didn’t bring what they’re giving the kids. On top of this, we obviously don’t have anything from deceased MIL coming, and my aunt will kindly give us money for a day trip rather than something physical to open. Net the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

I’m just sad that the kids will have comparatively little to open on Christmas Day and that magic of coming down and seeing the tree will be a bit muted. Very much aware that this is a first world problem but I’m saddened it’s come this. DC are 6 and 8 and SO exited about presents. I know people will say it’s good to have something to look forward to on Boxing Day etc, but I know they will be really aware of quantity.

Of course there’s a huge back story with DM. I don’t know how to summarise it suffice to say if she doesn’t get her way on something, she can’t compromise without there being comeback. But this just feels incredibly selfish and unfair on the kids. Is it ok for me to feel this way or do I need to give my head a wobble. I could say something, but the only outcomes are that it will cause a massive arguement and I can’t face that. But I’m fighting the urge to say something. Sorry this is really just a bit of a download. The whole thing with DM is so stressful. It really affects me badly, and having gone through months of treading on eggshells to arrive at this plan for Boxing Day, I never for one minute thought she wouldn’t give the kids their gifts for Christmas Day.

Gosh that’s long. Sorry, thank you if you’ve read it all:

TLDR: Is it ok for DM to keep the kids presents until Boxing Day because she’s decided she doesn’t want to come on Christmas Day.

OP has said in her original post that her mum always expects to get her own way and there are consequences for OP if she doesn't. So she probably was an awful mum to OP growing up but there has been no drip feed from OP.

The issue is that you've been ungenerous with your gift giving, and you're expecting your mum to fill the gap and provide the presents that you should have bought if you wanted your children to have a "magic pile" on Christmas Day.

Of course your mum should give the gifts from her that she bought and get the pleasure of seeing her grandchildren open them.

Presumably she is older and understands the cost of such an item. I personally would still have more things for them to open if even they are things they need like PJs, nice toiletries, or inexpensive sweets.

Our children won't get presents from the in laws side until the 28th. Its just how it is sometimes. Our Christmas has evolved over the years. We have just adapted to what works for everyone.

Laughing at "ONLY THREE PRESENTS!!!!"

My god, three presents from their parents is more than generous for a young child. No one needs all this stuff all the time.

the kids will have three presents each under the tree.

If you want the to have more presents, it's down to you to buy them. If you don't, then start managing their expectations abound excess giving.

Of course she wants to see the children open their presents when she sees them-l!

3 presents is fine! Get your kids used to opening 3 nice presents rather than 10 full of tat.

I don’t understand the 3 presents thing. If they were teenagers, fair enough, that could be something expensive like an iPhone or PlayStation. But at 6 and 8? Gifts should be a lot cheaper - books, games, toys, puzzles. You could easily spend £100 each and have a lot more presents than 3 each.
And if you can afford to offer to pay for a hotel, you can afford more gifts for your own children. Maybe I’m missing something 🤷🏻‍♀️

Presumably OP feels differently as she is the one that is miffed that her mother's gifts won't be there to boost the pile.

Are you saying your kids only have 3 presents each from you? If that's an issue, buy more?

We used to go to my grandma's on boxing day and it was like a 2nd Xmas. I loved it!

This is so hard for me to contemplate. I’ve always been a single parent and no grandparents or anyone else. My children have a Christmas stocking that they add decorations to every year. It is filled overnight by ‘Santa’. Under the tree are the gifts from me. Normally lots. This year barely a gift so far but I’ve had a difficult year and not prepared. I’ll be catching up with shopping now until the big day.

I’ve never relied on anyone else doing Christmas gifts. It’s my thing for my children. It’s something we love and prepare for.

My children also buy for each other. So each child will pick something out for each sibling and gift wrap and put under the tree.

op I cannot even imagine what you’re expecting from relatives but I would politely suggest you go out and buy some more gifts. Each child can buy for each member of the family.

the gifts don’t need to be big. Ours are not this year.

some ideas I’ve got-

water bottle (they use at school)

hair clips/ shampoos/ hair bands etc. (Father Christmas usually brings them for stockings)

stationary

pyjamas

socks

slime pot

And lots of sweets and favourite foods. That goes in stockings too. Things you would buy normally.

games

books

so much can be bought on sale during the year.
I’ve missed buying early due to my health so I’m catching up like crazy this weekend

also school Christmas fairs- often brilliant for getting stocking fillers. My children are very happy with second hand book or toy- it’s the idea behind it. That their sibling has thought about them and looked for something they like.

I know you haven’t asked for ideas but I’m just trying to give you the perspective of a very single mum with no extended family at all.

and having grandparents visit with gifts on Boxing Day sounds like more exciting times for the children. (I would have them make gifts ready to give to grandparents).

I don’t know if any of that is helpful but I hope so! And I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

I wouldn’t normal comment on a thread like this but honestly this has to be one of the most ridiculous things I’ve read on mumsnet recently. You asked for opinions…please do give your head a wobble.

it’s not your mums responsibility to ensure your kids have enough presents under the tree - that’s your responsibility as a parent, if you want your kids to come downstairs on Christmas in awe of the number of presents then that’s on you to sort out.

So I need to spend more than £1200 (get dream gift) so she can unwrap more? You’re insane 😆 she will have other gifts (she got a lovely handbag from her grandparents yesterday when we did Christmas with them).
Christmas here is about family time and special moments not the number of presents.

Can you afford to get a few stocking fillers for the kids? A selection box, a book, etc? To bulk it out a little?
I spend the same on my 3 kids ( £100 each) but generally get around 10 pressies each (with a few only costing a few pounds) One year my DDs both had boyfriends who had spent a fortune on them so ds who was only 8 at the time (DDs are both adults) had literally a quarter of theirs. We didn’t know until Xmas eve night so too late to sort. I burst into tears as his pile looked tiny in comparison. But he was fine and had a lovely morning.

I'm glad you've realised it's perfectly reasonable and understandable they want to see their grandchildren open and enjoy the gifts they picked out.

Hope the day goes well for all of you.

Op was saying the kids are going to have hardly any presents under the tree because they wouldn't have their grandmother's gifts on xmas day. It is not the grandmother's job to make sure the kids have loads of presents under the tree - if op wants the kids to have loads of presents to open then she has to buy them. Op seems to be blaming her mother that her own kids don't have many presents.

I’m assuming the 3 presents doesn’t include a Santa sack ?

but anyway, I’m going to be shot for this,

im not seeing my son/DIL/DGC until Boxing Day. Good old Amazon has delivered their gifts wrapped and are currently sat under their tree. Son will FT at the opening time, or at least video and send it to me so I can see, Under my tree I have our presents from them.

we do this every year we don’t see them, I don’t see the issue 🤷🏼‍♀️

If you were prepared to pay for a hotel room then why don’t you just buy the kids some little stocking fillers so that they have more presents to open? Assume the three presents they have are quite pricey?

It's the op that has an issue with 3 presents as she wanted her mother's presents to bulk it out and is upset with her for not handing over her gifts for Christmas day because it'll make op look bad to her kids.

Most comments are replying to this in the vein of " if you wanted more than 3 presents you should have bought them yourself and not be upset with your mother for wanting to see her grandchildren open what she bought them".

I’m not seeing DGS on Christmas Day, but I will be seeing him on Boxing Day, which is also his second birthday, and the 2 days after. He will be getting his Christmas and birthday presents then. It hasn’t even occurred to me to take his Christmas presents there beforehand.

Take them on holidays now...my DC much prefered skiing on Christmas Day or a beach somewhere in Asia than a load of presents and rain in the UK...and we still managed to have fab Christmas Days along the way.

I think it is normal for people coming on Boxing Day to arrive with their gifts ...even for the children. If I was grandma I wouldn't expect that you would want me to arrive empty handed for my grandchildren on boxing day. I would probably be a bit hurt that you weren't bothered whether or not I see my grandchildren open my carefully chosen gifts to them. There is nothing wrong with not having massive piles of presents but if you think 3 is too few just buy a couple of inexpensive extras ...5 gifts under tree sounds fine ...just explain to the children that granny is bringing her gifts tomorrow. Christmas is special because of the people, not just the gifts. It is really good that your DM is prepared to do this long double journey on Boxing Day without sleeping over. If this is likely to be your new normal it is good for the kids to understand this now and not yourself make a drama over it so that the kids understand, even when they are young, that the fact they are coming is the most important thing. Hope all goes well for you on both Christmas Day and Boxing Day op. 🎄💐

When my DS was small he had presents from Santa and I on Christmas day morning and then presents from the rest of the family on boxing day. He still does now although it's usually money.

My DF loved seeing him open his presents.

It will be two lovely days of presents.

That’s fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Neither my mum nor MIL have ever been to ours on Christmas Day. My mum is a complicated story, but MIL simply won’t visit on Christmas because her partner has a tantrum, so she isn’t allowed to see family. 🙄 She will visit on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day instead. Never occurred to me to be an issue. My children have patience and they appreciate the gifts we give them.

Kindly. This exactly, I always had another Christmas on boxing day as I would go to my dad's and have presents there. I always liked it. It's not present overload