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Original poster

Are families really expected to pay for care home fees?

310 replies

Whatsituation · 14/12/2025 07:13

I always thought it was paid for by savings or property owned by the person or if they had neither then paid by the government?

Dh has been telling me how if MIL/FIL ever needs to go into a home his siblings will expect us to contribute along with them for a ‘better’ home?? I’ve said no that’s not happening and it won’t be a better one just the same I assume but they will
habe money coming in from various places for each resident it’s not like there are council care home and private ones I assumed the council fund spaces wherever they are ?

He’s said I’m being unkind but there’s no way I’m spending money on care fees for his parents !

OP posts:
Mithral · 14/12/2025 07:16

What do you mean by expected? They can't be compelled to but of course children help to top up finances in some circumstances. And care homes do vary, of course they do. Do you really think millionaires are in the same places as people fully state funded?

xmasstress12 · 14/12/2025 07:18

Some people pay to protect their parents house.

Tbh if the parents have a house/savings etc why wouldn’t you use those to pay?

xmasstress12 · 14/12/2025 07:19

Do you really think millionaires are in the same places as people fully state funded?

But why would millionaires not fund themselves vs their dc?

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Original poster
Whatsituation · 14/12/2025 07:19

xmasstress12 · 14/12/2025 07:18

Some people pay to protect their parents house.

Tbh if the parents have a house/savings etc why wouldn’t you use those to pay?

Sorry should have included that they rent and have no savings

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsituation · 14/12/2025 07:20

xmasstress12 · 14/12/2025 07:19

Do you really think millionaires are in the same places as people fully state funded?

But why would millionaires not fund themselves vs their dc?

Yes I understand there are fully private care homes but I expect those people are a minority or if millionaires have full care at home

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatsituation · 14/12/2025 07:21

Aside from the fact they’ve made no effort to ever provide for themselves in the future I also feel it’s not the responsibility of dh and his siblings

OP posts:
YellowCherry · 14/12/2025 07:21

DH is correct - private care homes are more expensive and nicer. But you don't have to contribute if you don't want to. If your PILs have enough savings they can cover the cost themselves.

MeNotMyselfAndI · 14/12/2025 07:22

You’re not expected by law and the costs are astronomical so most people couldn’t pay anyway. If there’s only one surviving parent then the value of their house is expected to be used, as it should be. The country cannot afford to do it any other way (unless we all agree to pay more tax) and it’s one of reasons we’re in such a mess.

MikeRafone · 14/12/2025 07:23

Are you MIL and FIL about to go into a home?

with care fees in the cheaper end being £1500 per month would you actually be able to afford your share?

would you have care at home first to keep them together?

MikeRafone · 14/12/2025 07:23

Sorry £1500 a week, not a month

RessicaJabbit · 14/12/2025 07:23

Why wouldn't the children contribute if they can afford to? This is their mother and father, not some random strangers...

Original poster
Whatsituation · 14/12/2025 07:24

MikeRafone · 14/12/2025 07:23

Are you MIL and FIL about to go into a home?

with care fees in the cheaper end being £1500 per month would you actually be able to afford your share?

would you have care at home first to keep them together?

They aren’t in the best health and I know SIL is round there daily but apart from that I don’t know much else except that dh thinks they’ll all be contributing and i don’t think he realises how expensive it is.

OP posts:
Sesma · 14/12/2025 07:25

By law, no but obviously councils may try to ask you to pay, you know what to say don't you, FO. Obviously if you want to help out you can.

Original poster
Whatsituation · 14/12/2025 07:25

RessicaJabbit · 14/12/2025 07:23

Why wouldn't the children contribute if they can afford to? This is their mother and father, not some random strangers...

Because we can’t afford to would totally change our lifestyle and affect the dc. I’ve been very careful with savings and financial planning and I don’t want it ruined because they didn’t ever bother to plan ahead?

OP posts:
Sunseed · 14/12/2025 07:26

If they have no house, and assets below £23,250, it sounds like the Local Authority would pay for care. But the budget for that is very limited and will pay for what the LA deems suitable to meet their care needs. If DH's family want to upgrade them to a nicer care home then they will need to pay the difference in costs. It sounds like that is where he's saying you'd have to chip in with the third-party top up.

Original poster
Whatsituation · 14/12/2025 07:27

Sunseed · 14/12/2025 07:26

If they have no house, and assets below £23,250, it sounds like the Local Authority would pay for care. But the budget for that is very limited and will pay for what the LA deems suitable to meet their care needs. If DH's family want to upgrade them to a nicer care home then they will need to pay the difference in costs. It sounds like that is where he's saying you'd have to chip in with the third-party top up.

Yes this is what they mean. 4 siblings so apparently it would be possible but I don’t agree and don’t want us to be expected to contribute

OP posts:
Daisymay8 · 14/12/2025 07:27

I would make sure he knows how much it costs - people don't realise as the costs are so unbelievable. Even splitting it several ways - and imagine you have 3 DCs that you need to save for to get thought uni - just let him ponder a bit he'll change his tune. Image DPs live into late 90s.
My DM paid in Scotland and had exactly the same care as the (majority) of non payers.

ErrolTheDragon · 14/12/2025 07:28

you’re not being ‘unkind’, you’re being realistic. I’m assuming you’re not rolling in it - your DH and his siblings probably haven’t faced up to the possible cost and (I think) the funding rules. Someone correct me if I’m wrong but I didn’t think you can just pay a top up to get a ‘nicer’ place and the council still pays the same whack.

Sesma · 14/12/2025 07:29

I think I would jut be unkind.

dinesaurrawr · 14/12/2025 07:30

It costs a fortune, I worked in care homes and the most expensive room was £1600 a week! You can see how easily someone’s money for their house would be gone very quickly. They could always care for their parents at home ?

whitewinefriday · 14/12/2025 07:31

Whatsituation · 14/12/2025 07:24

They aren’t in the best health and I know SIL is round there daily but apart from that I don’t know much else except that dh thinks they’ll all be contributing and i don’t think he realises how expensive it is.

Show quote history

Any family contribution is entirely voluntary

seasidemum83 · 14/12/2025 07:32

In my experience a lot of care home have top up fees. I was told the funding that could be used from my aunts saving was limited to set amount ( to avoid family’s choosing the most expensive/ luxury nursing homes - the persons savings being used too quickly and then local authority having to fund). The amount allocated - was only enough to cover very few home ( most hours away)
I was told that there was a local nursing home with availability - but family - ie me - needed to pay £45 a week ( which doesn’t sound a lot) but unaffordable for me . When I explained I could not pay approx £200 a month top up- I got push back from social worker - but eventually they relented
I am not sure if the lack of availability in the further cheaper homes was the real influencing factor though
I was not allowed to pay the ‘top- up’ fees from her savings. So my aunt paid bulk of fee and then trust topped it up - when her saving dwindled to below a set amount - trust took over complete funding
our situation could have been different as my Aunt did not have capacity

Mithral · 14/12/2025 07:33

ErrolTheDragon · 14/12/2025 07:28

you’re not being ‘unkind’, you’re being realistic. I’m assuming you’re not rolling in it - your DH and his siblings probably haven’t faced up to the possible cost and (I think) the funding rules. Someone correct me if I’m wrong but I didn’t think you can just pay a top up to get a ‘nicer’ place and the council still pays the same whack.

You can top up to get a nicer place - a friend is doing it. It wasn't totally straightforward though she had to commit to cover it long-term so you can't just do it for a few months. I assume because then it would be complicated for the council to have to move them somewhere else.

QuickBrown · 14/12/2025 07:35

Sometimes you don't need to say no, you just need to ask questions. I'd remind DH that we aren't in a position to write a blank cheque and suggest he comes up with detailed costings for various scenarios, then ask how he suggests we'd meet those obligations. Much better for him to do the Maths and realise you can't afford it than for you to be the bad guy saying no.

HewasH2O · 14/12/2025 07:37

The service which a local authority can afford to pay for is basic. Your ILs would also be expected to contribute any private & most of their stare pensions, leaving them with pocket money.

Care might not be needed in the future, but it's obviously easier to find a care home if someone can top up the fees.

We had to prove that a family member had at least 2 years of fees which were accessible before some homes would consider taking her and we weren't looking at having any council funding. They would have removed her without hesitation if her cash ran out.

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