Are families really expected to pay for care home fees?

[Whatsituation]

I always thought it was paid for by savings or property owned by the person or if they had neither then paid by the government?

Dh has been telling me how if MIL/FIL ever needs to go into a home his siblings will expect us to contribute along with them for a ‘better’ home?? I’ve said no that’s not happening and it won’t be a better one just the same I assume but they will
habe money coming in from various places for each resident it’s not like there are council care home and private ones I assumed the council fund spaces wherever they are ?

He’s said I’m being unkind but there’s no way I’m spending money on care fees for his parents !

Out of interest, those who would refuse to contribute, why? And would you be OK knowing other family members are footing the bill?

My relative has passed away now, they died 3 days into a new month and the relatives got a "sorry for your loss" letter and the final bill including the 3 days of the new month, in the same envelope.

Interestingly, it was one of the non paying siblings took the most issue with a final bill, even though it is understandable and needed paid.

Even if the top up was small to start with, this could rocket if care needs change. Don’t do it, OP

People will refuse for various reasons I’d imagine. Some of them financial and others more personal like family history and relationships with their family member.

if others choose to then that’s up to them but yes, my siblings agreeing to something doesn’t mean I have ro.

Just like my siblings choosing to provide care for a parent doesn’t mean I should if I chose not to or can’t.

Yes , this is what family did for my aunt. We paid the top up. The top up split three ways wasn’t that much and we were all happy to do it as we could afford to. I imagine the top up for some homes would be more than others. I would wait and see when the time comes. See how much your split of the particular top up needed for different homes they are consIdering would be. Visit them with DH if possible, and the one where no top up is needed. And then decide together what you can// want to pay to top up if anything . If he is keen to do it , as married partners, it would seem better to decide in this way with more concrete information
ps if you do decide to contribute you could say you could afford it for two years but would then need to reconsider or other timescale.

You are not legally responsible for their care. When their money runs out, the local authority pays. If you wish them to be somewhere that the LA won’t fund, you would need to pay the top up fee.

What circumstances?

I'm blown away by the number of people who wouldn't be prepared to contribute anything. Not even like £100 a month?

Your responsibility as parents is first and foremost to your DC. You should be saving any spare money you have for their future, not spending it on your husband's parents.

Fine if you're rolling in it, but I would find the idea that I should cut down the standard of living and range of experiences available to my own children to fund care for elderly parents ludicrous. Kids come first.

I would expect to pay for my own care, I certainly wouldn't expect DS to chip in

That wasn't the question though.

My dad was in a home for a few months this year. It was £2500 a week and my mum paid about £2100 of it per week, so the council paid a small bit. She was assessed based on her savings, I don’t think they took account of the value of their house as she was living in it.

Because by paying for your parents ultimately impacts a person's ability to plan for their own care, or their mortgage or DC university fees etc.

Yes your DH and his siblings can pay top up fees if they choose to. But they don't have to.

Council funded places are often just as nice as privately funded - it depends on the level of choice in your area.

More like £1500 per week.

Yes this is what my mother’s local authority told her. I was NC with my father and LC with my mother. My mother co owned the house, so it would not be sold for my father to go into care. The local authority told her that if my father wanted anymore than basic care, the children would have to stump up. My sister and I said that hell would freeze over first.

I would stay quietish about it and let it unfold. Once your dh and siblings realise the true cost they will all probably naturally decide not to do this.

We don’t know the figures but it sounds like the OP’s PILs didn’t bother to save so it does beg the question, why should the OP’s family, who have carefully saved to provide for both themselves and their children, have to spend those savings on people who don’t bother to save? Especially as those people are not their responsibility and they have their own responsibilities (their children).

However, along with getting the maths done properly, @Whatsituation should bear in mind that the vast majority of people don’t end up in care homes.

With my grandparents they ended up paying just about £17,000 a month when they both were in a care home. That came from their savings, until they both died. It wasn’t cheap at all (it did start out a few thousand cheaper but as care needs increased so did the cost!), they had separate rooms and ended up being charged so many little extras.

If my PIL went into a care home, Id sit down with DH and figure out what we could contribute if needed. I think you perhaps need to just have a chat with your husband, look through your incomings and outgoings and try to see if you’d have much (if any) budget to do so. It’s an emotional situation, that would probably be clouding my judgement if they were my parents too. Are any siblings in a better position to contribute more?

I would also be wondering why they had no house / savings - is it a circumstance thing, where they never had the chance to save? Or were they reckless with money throughout their lives? Second option would have me hesitating to contribute and impact my families finances.

However, along with getting the maths done properly, should bear in mind that the vast majority of people don’t end up in care homes

Yes this is true - the 15 years of 2x care home fees is very unlikely.

So if family refuse to pay top up fees, who do you think pays it?

There wasn't a choice when it came to my relatives care.

Social worker asked about savings, property, bank accounts, other streams of income. Of which There were none as relative had single handedly raised a large family, renting property when younger.

The family were handed a list of care homes, fees and how much would need topped up at each one.

They visited a lot and read reports then chose the one they liked the feel of.

I suppose not everyone is going to feel the same but barring abusive relationships/broken families, it seems petty to refuse a few pounds a month along with siblings, to provide round the clock care for a parent who once did the same for you/your partner.

You absolutely need to put your children first. That is what you do when you decide to have children. You should remind your husband of this.

The LA have a standard fee that they will pay for a care home for say residential care whether private or council. Its up to the family then to pay top up fees if they can't be negotiated. Our LA pays 850.00 a week. We paid an additional £150.00 per week for my MIl top ups. It really caught us off guard. She was getting towards end of life and she ended up living 8 months rather than the predicted 4-6 weeks. But it was money well spent, she had excellent care and enough life care. We just couldn't care for her at our home any more.

My neighbour went into a care home, according to their son not a fancy one. £7000 a month.
Never heard of that before. Obviously, if she lives for five+ years, the value of her million pound house would be effectively wiped out.
As I keep saying ad nauseam, when certain obstacles disappear, I'm out of this country back to mine, revoking my passport, never to look back.

It might be different because we are in Scotland, but here my understanding and what happened for a friend’s DM is that they were given a list of 3 care homes to choose from by the social worker and them picked their favourite, nothing for them to pay. These were private care homes where is my DPs go in, they would be paying around £1800, as apparently the self funders subsidise the state users.

In any case I would hold firm. By the time they need/agree to go into a care home they are unlikely to need one with a cinema and bar. When DHs DM went into care the adult DCs topped up a very small amount per week so she could have a single room, and that would be about as far as I would be prepared to go.

I’d be furious with my DP if he tried to stop me supporting my elderly dad, but then I love my dad. I’d also be so, so angry if a sister or brother in law (I don’t have any) tried to stop a sibling helping. But I guess everyone’s family dynamic is different. Sounds like you just don’t like his parents OP, to be honest. If he doesn’t like them either, crack on.

Care home fees are astronomical and yes, family top-ups are common. The whole system is utterly broken. Your PILs are not remotely unusual in not having the cash to help themselves. Maybe they’re bad people, maybe they’re not - but not being able to afford care home fees is incredibly common and doesn’t mark them out as unusual at all.

If your DH doesn’t help with the fees, he should at least be thinking about how to support his sister, who apparently is currently expected to spend her entire life providing unpaid care for your DH’s parents. Does he ever chip in? Offer a day a week so she can take some time off? Help pay for home care to avoid the care home conversation?

Why are you so sure they will need a care home?
Only around 3% of elderly need a care home.

But in any case as they have no home now to sell they will be provided with a care home. Their pensions may be used as part payment and any other assets.

1500 per week more like…