9w old baby and husband says he's going to hang himself

[WhatAmIsupposeToDoNow]

I am really fed up with my husband. We have our 9week old daughter. He went to the Christmas party yesterday, stayed in a hotel overnight, came back home still drunk this morning. Stayed drunk all day (just wouldn't sober up), had a bottle of prosecco for dinner, and then opened another one. I was asking him to stop drinking. He then went on her w depressed he is and he doesn't want his life anymore (I heard this many times before).

Eventually I went upstairs and he came through the door to tell that he's had enough of this relationship and he's going to hang himself tomorrow. At this point I seriously want him to do it as I cannot take him anymore. Just fed up of constant drinking and constant issues in his life.

I am tired of looking after his mental health, finding doctors etc for him to see, supporting him in pretty much every way possible. I am so fed up with him. I am vulnerable myself given we have just had a baby and now he's yet again can't control himself. I get he might feel depressed but I seriously don't have it in me to help him out and deal with his bullshit yet again.

Before people suggest - I don't have family and friends in the country to help me out. I am getting baby passport done now so could go back and stay with my parents for a while. Going back to work after 6 months.

@99bottlesofkombucha - this is a lovely way to celebrate. I don't need anything else really. Will take lots of photos

Merry Christmas lovely ladies! 🎄

I haven't decided 100% what I am going to do yet but certainly feel good not having to worry about him being a nuisance this morning. Off to prepare some yummy breakfast before the little one is up xx

That performance should tell you what you're dealing with and what all this is about.

You are dealing with a person who has not developed emotionally past the age of two, who threw a massive tantrum, and who you do not need in your life.

Please give a full statement.
He is insanely jealous of the baby - I believe he is actually a danger to the baby.

Even if you hadn't stated on the thread that you grew up with a heavy drinker, I could tell from this that you did.

You are caught up in the illusion that you caused the problem here, or that you can cure it, or you can control it.

You are - please don't take this as an insult - an enabler in the dynamic of drinking and abuse. You are repeating patterns of the past in the relationship with your DP.

You've been trying to control the situation by bending over backwards for this man.
You're trying to control the situation now by asking for the low down on what will happen if you give a statement.
You need to recognise that your need for control comes from a deep wound. You can deal with that wound later, but for now, you need to recognise it and remind yourself when you start operating from that place of hurt that your actions in that circumstance will not be in your own best interest.

You also need to recpgnise that your feeling of love for this man is an effort to cure him. You cannot do that for him.

Please make the statement. Do not hold back. Do not cast blame on yourself in your account. This story does not have two sides!
Making the statement will feel like a very unsafe thing to do because you are not used to living without the feeling that you are in control (this is an illusion when youre dealing with someone who abuses alcohol or abuses a partner). Control will pass from your hands into the hands of the police. Victims of 'heavy drinkers' or abusers cling to the illusion of control because the alternative is terrifying (the realisation that you are absolutely powerless to do anything but cling to the safety bar while you hurtle through life on a roller coaster you can never stop).

Call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. They are extremely busy at this time of year, sadly, but leave your name and number and a good time to call back. Ask for their support.

Call.Al Anon, which offers empowering support for people affected by someone else's drinking.

I do not think you should accept this man back into your home. I do not think you and the baby are safe with him.

@mathanxietyi don't get that impression at all, OP sounds very level headed to me.

Merry Christmas @WhatAmIsupposeToDoNow. Your new Year offers the promise of a new life for you and your baby. Grab it!

Merry Christmas OP. Please stick to your plan but be very cautious of him when he comes home. A night in police custody or a medical setting could trigger something in him, and your safety is paramount. If you sense any change in terms of danger to you or the baby, get out and call the police from a safe place.

Happy Christmas OP! Wishing you and baby all the happiness and joy for your future lives. @mathanxiety has given you some great advice here so I won't repeat it.

I don't want to sound trite and Pollyanna but this will pass. Stay strong for your baby, we are all here to support when you are feeling wobbly. Focus on the positive in the here and now-you have a beautiful little one and a roof over your head. You'll be with your family soon. This time next year everything will be sorted and you will really be able to enjoy Christmas with baby.

How is baby this morning? What have you got them?

Happy Christmas, wishing you a lovely peaceful morning with your baby x

Wishing you a peaceful day.
Make a statemwnt. Say everything you said here.
either he really unwell and a danger to himself or you if he does not seek mh support
Or he is an abusive manipulative twat who is a danger to you
Either way get rid

So sorry you are dealing with this OP. I had a ex like this, in the end I told him to go ahead and do it. Did he do it? No. It was the end of our relationship, luckily I didn’t have kids with him, he was an abuser in many ways and made my life hell towards the end and for a few weeks after I kicked him out (he ended up with a restraining order and being charged with harassment), at no point did he follow through his threats of suicide. Men like this never will follow through because they see the self’s as far too important to take their own life.

Do yourself and your baby a huge favour and kick him out.

Keep your key in the door.
Do not allow him back in.
Tell the police you are fearful for your life and that of your children due to his threats to kill you all and himself.
Key in doors, do not let him in.
Film yourself telling the police.

The realistic reality of you making a statement is that you and your baby will be safe and your partner will receive the attention he desperately needs.

The reality of you not making a statement is that he will make home life so much worse for you and insist to anyone that you ‘cried wolf’ with false claims previously and the police didn’t do anything.

To protect all three people involved you need them to know what happened. That is the bottom line. This is for your partners good too. The longer he can keep avoiding responsibility, the longer he can blame you and punish you, the more resentful he grows to your DC, means more danger for both of you. For the love of god just make an official statement of the facts. They aren’t going to throw him in jail, but you need this on record. If he tries to do anything again or anything worse, you need it on record.

If he wants to keep saying he will kill himself then he needs to be taken seriously and have official intervention. This man is a danger to himself and to you. Even if you know he is only saying it to manipulate you, the only way to make him stop is to take him seriously. He had to answer for himself and face consequences.

Merry Christmas @WhatAmIsupposeToDoNow
I hope after all the drama and tension of the last few days that you and the baby have had a quiet and peaceful day.

I grew up in an abusive household where excessive alcohol was involved and learnt at a young age to read facial expressions and body language and to walk on eggshells to protect myself (as far as this was possible.)

I can still remember the fear I carried around with me every single day.

It isn't an experience I would ever wish to repeat so my response to this situation would be robust. Today, I would have paid Christmas Day rates for someone to come and change the locks. I would have packed a couple of bags of his clothes and toiletries.
I would then have phoned his closest family member or friend and told them the whole sorry saga informing them that as you and the baby were not safe, he would not be coming back into the house. Could they please collect his belongings and give him somewhere to stay? Alternatively, I would offer to put his gear in a taxi and send it to them. On Monday morning, I would appoint a solicitor to start divorce proceedings. And I would give a warts-and-all statement to the police to protect your child in future. He may change his mind about fatherhood at a later date and apply for visitation rights. Do you really want your child unsupervised around a man who throws a violent, drunken tantrum over not being offered chocolate?
As for his depression, alcohol abuse, violent temper and threats of suicide, those are his issues to resolve. You're not his therapist; and as he has consistently refused to seek professional help, there is nothing you can do about any of them. You need to put yourself and the baby first, something he clearly isn't interested in doing.

Sounds like he has mh issues that need sorting quickly before it ruins all your lives.

So despite knowing all this and these issues being present you still got yourself pregnant?

No it’s actually impossible for a woman to get herself pregnant 🙄

I know what you mean the fear. I had it too when growing up. I felt it while with baby which was very scary.

I don't think the fear is something any of us will ever forget. The difference between then and now is that as children we were dependent and helpless whereas now we have agency. I wouldn't give your husband any second chances I'm afraid. He's shown his true colours and whilst he most likely has mental health issues, his MH is no excuse for his frightening behaviour. I hope you and the baby are safe and ok.

This!

Exactly. I was thinking to myself that's pathetic that I find myself in exactly the same position as a grown up women, especially with a child. I don't mind MH issues. It's part of who he is and it could happen to anyone. But choosing to drink and being violent is something he's doing by his own choice.

Thought I will give you and update. In a hotel for the night and off to friend's place tomorrow as don't want to stay on my own. Taking day at the time..

I suppose it's not surprising but various thoughts come to mind. Thinking if I did the right thing, maybe if I didn't call the police he would have been fine and had our first Christmas as a family of 3. But I am staying in touch with friends for assurance

Let him.

You did the right thing.

and if you hadn't called the police, something may have happened.
Better to be safe than sorry.

and

Please do make the statement.

it may / can be useful esp in the future to have something in writing.

@mathanxiety thank you for your insights. I'm not going to lie I am not a specialist in the subject but I think you are absolutely right. I think unconsciously I am programmed like this (I weirdly played a role of some sort of pacifier as a child - if only I could keep drunk daddy calm that means mummy and daddy won't fight). I would love to explore it bit more with councillor but not able to find someone to dig deeper on this. They all seem to be just having a chat with me. Maybe I haven't found the right one yet