9w old baby and husband says he's going to hang himself

[WhatAmIsupposeToDoNow]

I am really fed up with my husband. We have our 9week old daughter. He went to the Christmas party yesterday, stayed in a hotel overnight, came back home still drunk this morning. Stayed drunk all day (just wouldn't sober up), had a bottle of prosecco for dinner, and then opened another one. I was asking him to stop drinking. He then went on her w depressed he is and he doesn't want his life anymore (I heard this many times before).

Eventually I went upstairs and he came through the door to tell that he's had enough of this relationship and he's going to hang himself tomorrow. At this point I seriously want him to do it as I cannot take him anymore. Just fed up of constant drinking and constant issues in his life.

I am tired of looking after his mental health, finding doctors etc for him to see, supporting him in pretty much every way possible. I am so fed up with him. I am vulnerable myself given we have just had a baby and now he's yet again can't control himself. I get he might feel depressed but I seriously don't have it in me to help him out and deal with his bullshit yet again.

Before people suggest - I don't have family and friends in the country to help me out. I am getting baby passport done now so could go back and stay with my parents for a while. Going back to work after 6 months.

It's actually irrelevant whether the threat is real or not.

You are not in a sustainable situation with a 9 week old baby and a seriously heavy drinker in a possible mental health crisis.

He is not a priority, your baby is.

Leave him or ask him to leave and look after you and your baby. He needs to find support elsewhere at the moment.

I’d take issue with your first sentence. I have a family member who threatened suicide many times. She then made two attempts and succeeded on the second one.

Not saying it’s true of the OP’s partner. However saying ‘People who threaten suicide will never do it’ is completely untrue.

Ignore the people airily telling you 'people who say they'll do it never do it'. Ignore them. They are wrong.

I've researched and created Vulnerable Customers training and the one thing that came through from the emergency services advisors was if a person is threatening self harm it is NOT your role to decide whether or not they're serious, telling the truth, trying to manipulate you etc.

It IS your role to call for help from the professionals who will then take it forward. Either ascertaining that he is in fact taking the piss and dealing with him - or getting him the help he needs.

People who do succeed may well put other people in danger. The person who jumps in front of a train or stops their car on a level crossing will ruin the train driver's life and possibly cause a crash. The person who jumps off a cliff or takes an overdose will be discovered by some poor person who'll have to cope with what they saw. The fallout can be profound.

So next time he says 'I'm going to ...' - call the police. Do your duty, and hand over this responsibility to the professionals.

That one sensible act will either get him the help he's begging for - or shut down coercive controling behaviour. It's not your job to decide which he needs. And in the worst case scenario you'll know you did the right thing.

I think if he says he’s not enjoying parenting you say I don’t understand, you don’t do any parenting. What is it you don’t enjoy? Your normal life of work and getting shitfaced and being in a mood with me? Knowing that your baby exists and is well taken care of by me just makes you want to stop living? You need to take a good hard look at yourself, none of this has anything to do with me, and I don’t have time for it.

Does he have any family you can send him off to OP? You say you have no one here but does he? The last thing you need with a baby is to be trying to deal with him as well.

It sounds like his moods flipped just as your attention has switched focus to the baby. Might not be conscious decision but it’s a common thing for (some) men to feel rejected when women have their first child and they are no longer number 1.

For goodness sake stop wasting your time with him. He is a giant baby.
He is ruining your happy first memories with your new baby and making this all about him.
I wouldn't give a man like this the time of day.

Why do you think the police want to deal with that shit? Do you not think it’s traumatic for them?
They aren’t “professionals” in dealing with that nonsense, picking body parts up. Nobody is.

It’s a very selfish path to take and I fully appreciate that the people taking it or not thinking about that at the time, but it is

@kittywittyandpretty

I 'think' that because I was told that.

By the police consultants who advised us in our Vulnerable Customers training.

Something for you to read:

https://www.college.police.uk/app/mental-health/suicide-and-bereavement-response

The police consultants have rarely done a day of pleasing in their lives. It’s an unusual situation where you get one who has ever been a PC.
They talk shit from behind Office partitions and never have to deal with the consequences of Dealing with the actual day today picking heads off railway tracks.

Your husband needs to grow up quickly, he is now a father ,he needs to take responsibility and then he would have no time for suicidal thoughts. He deserves the biggest wimp of the year awarded by mums net. Tell him from me he needs to get on with being a dad and husband. I feel sorry for you choosing such a weak man as your partner. Maybe you need to leave him and look for a stronger chap in the future .Sorry OP but you have chosen a sad individual to be your DH.

Thank you all ladies for commenting and looking through the thread. Some really good thoughts. He calmed down for now with drinking and his other nonsense . But I came up with a plan already. As @BobbiBrownJones mentioned I am going to be all smiles, get my ducks order as much as possible in the meantime and then just leave to parents with one way ticket. By all means I will be coming back as my career is here but that will give me but of breathing space and start putting arrangements in place for my life without him. As currently I am completely stuck with him.

My only concern is that when he's not drinking/being depressed, he's actually really nice man and I love him dearly. So in a way it's heartbreaking. But I ultimately this is not only about me anymore, so need to do what's the best for our child.

So he's drunk again and I'm downstairs. He shouted at me to get out of the house and closed himself in his bedroom.

Apart from hotel I don't have where to go. And quite frankly I don't think I am the one to be going. I'm considering calling police. But not sure if they would take him away as he hasn't hurt us

Oh OP 😔

Having gone through a divorce, you have every legal leg to stand on to remain in the house. Your DP can tell you to leave as much as he likes but you have no obligation to. And as you are the mother of a very young baby then you have every right to- more than every right to- to stay.

My solicitor told me under no circumstances should you ever leave the marital home, especially with a baby.

@FenceBooksCycleplease do not perpetuate the tired and ignorant myth that those who threaten to kill themselves never do it. We lost our son to suicide age 26 and friends of ours lost their son age 24 who outright told them he was going to do it. They tried to get him help. Some ppl don’t tell ppl, others do. If someone tells you they’re thinking of ending their lives you are supposed to respond asking if they have thought about method and if the reply is yes then they need urgent help. I hope this helps the enduring confusion.

@BobbiBrownJones - thank you for your advice. So the way forward would be to call police if the situation escalates and get him removed. Ok, we shall wait and see

I'm having consultation with solicitor after new year. Was thinking to try citizen bureau in the meantime.

It's not ideal situation be in. Rspecyon Christmas Eve

Yes, he's told me and threatened before. He also said he's going to kill himself if I leave him. At the moment all I care is security of our baby. I know I shouldn't say this but I am so ran down that don't have it in me worry about him

My Dad threatened this by driving his car into a bridge. I was sobbing on the phone to his sister ( my Aunt) as i was so upset and worried and he drove over to hers to talk to her. He never did.

Tbh, I don't think he will ever kill himself but nevertheless I am taking his threats seriously in a way that I will call police and keep on offering mental health support (which he refuses to organise)

Call them. Ask for him to be removed as he is not safe around the baby. And youand himself

@SpreadsheetWars - will they take my request seriously though? It's not that he's actually physically threatening me

Just go to a hotel you know that this has the potential to escalate and the father of your child end up in a cell on Christmas Eve.
Remove yourself from the situation and keep your child safe. Don’t sit there waiting for a crime to end up being committed. Or even a mental health crisis on Christmas Eve, there is no positive outcome where he gets the help he needs tonight so just remove yourself however much that might cost financially It’ll be cheaper than the emotional fallout

I don’t think you’re Solicitor Would’ve said that if he was dealing with somebody in a mental health crisis and there was a baby involved actually.

Call 999 tell them he is suicidal

He’s not though is he, he’s drunk.
and this is why people are waiting four hours for an ambulance while they have a heart attack