9w old baby and husband says he's going to hang himself

[WhatAmIsupposeToDoNow]

I am really fed up with my husband. We have our 9week old daughter. He went to the Christmas party yesterday, stayed in a hotel overnight, came back home still drunk this morning. Stayed drunk all day (just wouldn't sober up), had a bottle of prosecco for dinner, and then opened another one. I was asking him to stop drinking. He then went on her w depressed he is and he doesn't want his life anymore (I heard this many times before).

Eventually I went upstairs and he came through the door to tell that he's had enough of this relationship and he's going to hang himself tomorrow. At this point I seriously want him to do it as I cannot take him anymore. Just fed up of constant drinking and constant issues in his life.

I am tired of looking after his mental health, finding doctors etc for him to see, supporting him in pretty much every way possible. I am so fed up with him. I am vulnerable myself given we have just had a baby and now he's yet again can't control himself. I get he might feel depressed but I seriously don't have it in me to help him out and deal with his bullshit yet again.

Before people suggest - I don't have family and friends in the country to help me out. I am getting baby passport done now so could go back and stay with my parents for a while. Going back to work after 6 months.

Seems like he has been severely depressed for a long time. Was he this way when you planned the baby?

Nasty and unnecessary.

As much as u may want to help him u can’t! He has to make a decision to stop drinking and sort himself out. U have to put your child first and leave asap for your safety.

drinking ruins your gut health, which has an effect on brain health. Good luck!

This is not true. My sister was vocal about trying to kill herself in person and on Facebook. She did end up killing herself (and it 100% wasn’t a cry for help gone wrong).

The OP’e behaviour is likely to be abusive but especially if he is drinking heavily you cannot say he won’t actually do it.

He can access emergency mental health support via 111.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My DH was suicidal when I was pregnant and post-partum and it was so traumatic.

My DH did access help and recover but I did decide to leave him if he didn’t engage with therapy and medication. You have to take care of the tiny life first.

I was silly and didn’t tell my family due to feeling ashamed and I didn’t have support for me. See if you can tell a friend or family, or even access therapy yourself if you have one of those work employee helplines. Sending a hug.

It’s massively abusive to dump that on you. Manipulative and cruel. Basic blackmail. Designed to ensure you expect nothing from him and continue to centre him and not yourself and the baby.
You need to send a clear message that you don’t have the capacity to save him and he should get professional help. You are not qualified.
When he doesn’t bother to make an appointment you should not feel guilty.
Unless we are missing some massive piece of context this selfish behaviour is not compatible with being a supportive partner or good father.
I have a friend who is a shell of a person supporting her DH and a teenage child who constantly threaten suicide and rely on her for EVERYTHING. The DH in particular will just check out and spend days on his hobby for his mental health while she fusses around him. Makes appointments he doesn’t bother with. Gets medication he refuses to take. Their son is now exhibiting the same behaviour- refusing school and threatening suicide if she doesn’t let him stay home and game all day.
I would leave for the sake of your baby.

hi! I am sorry to read this. My own mother was 55 when she divorced him. It’s never too late. She’s never been so happy, she’s back to her bubbly, old self. Please remember there’s always a way out.

OP put your oxygen mask on first, i.e., focus on getting rid of the stressors by seeking out a divorce, because you have to remember he's acting like a succubus by draining all of your energy. Working with a newborn, you can't afford anymore energy that you'll never receive it back. You can't help him if he doesn't want it, and yes it's a tough suggestion to consider, but contacting the police, etc. is a band aid. Determine your best course of action with a solicitor and move forward with saving yourself and your newborn. He's drowning and trying to pull you under as well - refusing any life jacket offered.

Ring 999 if he says this again. If he means it, he will get support. Otherwise, he will hopefully be mortified and stop saying this. I would also contact your health visitor, explain the situation, and ask for support leaving. Also don't underestimate the impact of a young child growing up witnessing alcohol abuse and hearing someone talk about suicide. You both deserve better. On the chance he does mean it OP (his life has changed, the alcohol adds a component of impulsivity), please just ring 111 or 999 next time. Or even your GP.

On another note, there is a significant amount of wrong information about suicide on this thread. I'm a mental health nurse. It's actually very rare people end their lives with no warning at all. The vast majority of people do reach out and seek support. It takes a heck of a lot of desperation and mental fortitude to end your own life. Most people do no make the decision on a whim..A lot of people don't have a true death wish, but they just don't want to live in pain anymore, hence seeking support first. There are a lot of risk factors and warning signs with suicide. You will always get people who are impulsive due to various factors (alcohol, certain diagnoses like EUPD, etc), but I would say most are people who have already sought help in some capacity. It's also false to say people who 'threaten suicide' don't always mean it. We get a fair amount of people who disclose plans to us who need genuine crisis support.

@Chocolatecoveredshitpig get out. It's never too late to start your best life.

OP I'm sorry, that sounds incredibly hard. I disagree with PP assuming he's saying it to be abusive though. Some people may use suicide threats to control their partner's, but plenty of people are genuinely suicidal and (unsurprisingly) don't make the best decisions when their mental health is rock bottom.

Suicide isn't that uncommon, especially in men. Lots do it without announcing it to anyone, but I have known someone who regularly told his loved ones he was going to kill himself before following through so it does happen. They didn't take him seriously because it was always when he was intoxicated.

I know you say that you don't have family or friends in the country, but does he? Can you ring his parents and explain that you don't have the capacity to support him whilst looking after a tiny baby. If he was my son I'd come and get him in a heartbeat whilst offering what support I could to you.

This sounds awful OP. Get your babies passport sorted and go and stay with your parents. Make plans to leave.

Some really dangerous misinformation on this thread with the whole ‘suicidal people don’t.. Posters need to think before they post this kind of rubbish.

Suicide is much more common in men. I would be more worried about my tiny defenceless baby though. I think you should call his bluff and get the crisis team out to see him. If he is genuinely unwell then it’s what he needs anyway.

I would delete this tbh. Reminds me of the very famous American case where the young guy was suicidal and had been threatening it for ages. His gf then encouraged him to do it and he did. She’s in still prison for it.

I would prioritise yourself and your baby op. Contact the police to let them know of his threats, and then leave them all to it. He has too many problems for you to deal with.

My ex didn't have the same drinking habits but he used to control me by saying he's gonna kill himself. He is very manipulative and controlled not just me but his dad and our daughter as well. He's still alive.

People do threaten suicide and if they are telling you how they will do it they are significantly more likely to be thinking about it.

Please contact the police or the GP and tell them he is threatening suicide.

i was about to say that.

What a disgusting thing to say to OP when she has a nine week old baby and an abusive husband. How is this helpful? Do you just enjoy kicking women when they are down?

I agree with posters that recommend phoning the police every time he threatens to hang himself.

Please let your family know what is going on. Could any of them come over and stay somewhere else so you and your baby can join them?

You need support so please also contact one of the domestic abuse charities such as Women's Aid.

Do you have a health visitor that you could speak to about what is going on? If not, please visit your GP and let them know your situation with a tiny baby. If your husband won't seek or accept help, you can still seek help for yourself and your baby.

Go back to your parents. If your dh choose to self harm, it’s entirely his decision and not your fault. You need to protect yourself from this man.

Not accurate.

It is true that threatening suicide can be a tool of abuse. But one look at the high profile cases in the media where services have been deemed to have failed people will tell you that it isn't remotely true that people who say they are going to kill themselves don't do it. This erroneous belief often leads to people not being taken seriously by services and ending up actually doing it.

What drama queen.

I would have shrugged, gone back to bed and now be using the time to work out how I can separate from him.

Please get you and your baby out of this.

Do you have a link or any detail at all about that case so I can read the actual detail behind it @brown31c ?