9w old baby and husband says he's going to hang himself

[WhatAmIsupposeToDoNow]

I am really fed up with my husband. We have our 9week old daughter. He went to the Christmas party yesterday, stayed in a hotel overnight, came back home still drunk this morning. Stayed drunk all day (just wouldn't sober up), had a bottle of prosecco for dinner, and then opened another one. I was asking him to stop drinking. He then went on her w depressed he is and he doesn't want his life anymore (I heard this many times before).

Eventually I went upstairs and he came through the door to tell that he's had enough of this relationship and he's going to hang himself tomorrow. At this point I seriously want him to do it as I cannot take him anymore. Just fed up of constant drinking and constant issues in his life.

I am tired of looking after his mental health, finding doctors etc for him to see, supporting him in pretty much every way possible. I am so fed up with him. I am vulnerable myself given we have just had a baby and now he's yet again can't control himself. I get he might feel depressed but I seriously don't have it in me to help him out and deal with his bullshit yet again.

Before people suggest - I don't have family and friends in the country to help me out. I am getting baby passport done now so could go back and stay with my parents for a while. Going back to work after 6 months.

That’s not your responsibility to worry about. If the police had any worries about his mental health in custody they would have had him assessed and had followup arranged.
In truth - his mental health is his own responsibility. He knows that getting pissed is not helpful for his health but he is choosing to do so. He also has the choice to get psychiatric or psychological help. Show me how much he cares about your psychological wellbeing.
Focus on yourself and your baby

@runningonberocca - that is true. What is even more surprising that he's not interested in the baby's wellbeing either. I would be loosing my mind after sobering up not knowing what's going on with the little one.

I just need to let it go. Difficult when for more than a decade i keep on worrying/ looking after him / making sure he is ok

Male post partum depression is probably best described as ...

I'm no longer the centre of the universe!

She's spending too much time centring someone who isn't me!

Someone else now has first dibs on her body - those were MINE!

She's expecting me - ME - to help out and babysit!

Despite the fact she has internal and external wounds from birthing and feeding our baby she doesn't want to service MEEEE!

Mummy's best little boy is feeling neglected!

Male people cannot get postpartum depression by definition. They haven’t partumed anything and don’t have the tidal wave of hormones that women are subject to postpartum. They may be depressed at a major change in their life and overwhelmed by responsibility but it isn’t postpartum depression. That’s not just a technicality about wording. It’s about women not being even able to have the right to describe and document their own unique and sometimes very troubling experiences without it all becoming about men’s needs yet again.

100

💕

OP, I’ve belatedly read the whole thread now including more recent posts.

This man is an abuser. I am 99.99% sure of that. The other 0.01% probability goes to selfish main-character manchild who thinks the world revolves around him.

Im so sorry you’re so alone at such a vulnerable time. You sound amazing by the way. Clearsighted and emotionally aware (maybe a little bit too forgiving and people- pleasing, though, because of your background).

Break the cycle. Easy to say but harder to do, but you can and you must.

Unfortunately not always the case. Someone I knew (not terribly well) threatened to kill themselves earlier this year. They engineered fights with their partner, tried to tank their business and then carried it out.
They had a young grandchild that they'd met once, a similar age to OPs baby.
I believe the partner did call the police but they didn't get there in time.

@PGmicstand - I think it all depends on individual circumstances. Some people might threaten some might not. But in my personal opinion it needs to be taken seriously nevertheless.

Absolutely.
Call the police/relevant body and report his threat, stating you're concerned for his wellbeing.
Make plans to leave him and then do so.

Too forgiving is something my friends constantly tell me. Oh well, will learn one day ..

Op, I don't know your husband from Adam but given what you've told us so far, I would bet a month's salary he's switched the cameras off as an act of manipulation. He knows perfectly well you're going to be sat worrying about him because you're a kind, compassionate, ever-forgiving human being. He may even be using it as a tactic to get you to contact him. Don't fall for it.

He may also have switched the caneras off because he's sat getting rat arsed at home or he's in the pub doing the same and doesn't want to be on film staggering through the door. Another reason not to contact him.

What he should be doing is making sure that you and the baby are safe and well and grovelling to win you back. Has he done either?

I've been struck by an absence of anger on your part and I mean that as an observation rather than as a criticism. In your shoes, I would be absolutely livid, not in a shouty, slam things about type of way, my anger would be ice cold. The way he's treated you and the baby is beyond appalling. He's very definately crossed a line and if he's unable to see that and if he's not willing to at least try to make amends, then you and the baby would both be better off without him.

I agree. I was also abused as a child and was trained at a young age to be a people-pleaser, to always forgive, to always put my needs last and those of others first. This was my norm until I started questioning myself as to why I was so frequently used and treated badly. I realised that I was allowing myself to be treated this way. Then I stopped people-pleasing, put boundaries in place and started to use the word 'no' and my life has improved immeasurably since. It takes a lot of practice because it feels unfamiliar but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

@AcquadiP I agree.

It does take some serious fortitude to break free from that background, though.

@WhatAmIsupposeToDoNow do you trust your friends? I cannot imagine they have any real skin in the game and the only explanation for them supporting you is that … they are worried about you and have some different life experience to you and want to make you feel better.

Go with your friends. They have your back. Your “partner” does not.

Your baby will be fine with you and your wider social circle. No baby needs an abuser or addict in their orbit.

Thank you for such supportive message. Tbh, I do think that's just manipulation. However, I spoke to the detective and her advice was to call 999 for welfare check. I didn't do that but I got in touch with some of his friends to see if they can check on him indirectly just to establish if he's still alive or not..

There are more issues coming as a result of it but don't want to write them not to be too specific.

As for the anger.. I think you are right but after more than a decade together I'm probably bit brainwashed (as long as he's happy I will be ok kind of thinking)

That's exactly how I can describe myself. I think getting away from him to begin with and then working with myself to be better is the way forward... Hard work though..

That's why I decided no more men in my life, dogs only!

@MangerThings - I absolutely trust them. Both of them didn't have easy life growing up so they understand where I am coming from... They are feeding and watering me and talking through possible solutions as I have more challenges to deal with now as expected.

The worst thing is that I cannot trust my husband. At all. I told him this before.. meanwhile I can trust my friends..

I am just taking one step at the time. And dealing with issues as they come along. I deal with difficult matters at work, I can deal with it at home as well xx

It is hard work because we're basically reprogramming our behaviour and going back to our authentic selves. But you have supportive friends and Mumsnetters who will be cheerimg you along!

A brilliant first step forward!

Happy New Year ladies. Hope everyone is having a lovely evening. Feeling bit wobly tonight so decided to come and hopefully you can talk some sense into me.

I do miss him dearly and feeling so bad he's missing out on our baby growing up as well. I saw him ordering loads of alcohol through online delivery. I naturally think what I could have done differently to make sure we didn't come to this place. If only I behaved in one way or another this would not have happened etc... he's on a path of self destruction and I don't know what could be done to stop this (I contacted his friends to check on him)

He is missing out on the baby because of HIS actions
You are protecting YOUR baby and YOURSELF

You can’t change his actions. Only he can do that.

and the worrying thing is that alcohol is a depressant. Yet he’s still ordered loads.

you’re doing the right thing by not putting up with it anymore OP. For you and your child.

Stop feeling bad for him.
Focus on you and baby.

He has not done that.

I might call 101 and ask to do a welfare check on him tomorrow.. I'm seriously concerned he might do something to himself. Not sure what else realistically I can do. Crisis maybe.. not sure .

I couldn't do it any longer. I was loosing my own mind dealing with him. Can't burn myself just to keep him going. Plus priority is our child now. I have to ensure she's ok

Very down tonight. But nevertheless, will get through it! :)