9w old baby and husband says he's going to hang himself

[WhatAmIsupposeToDoNow]

I am really fed up with my husband. We have our 9week old daughter. He went to the Christmas party yesterday, stayed in a hotel overnight, came back home still drunk this morning. Stayed drunk all day (just wouldn't sober up), had a bottle of prosecco for dinner, and then opened another one. I was asking him to stop drinking. He then went on her w depressed he is and he doesn't want his life anymore (I heard this many times before).

Eventually I went upstairs and he came through the door to tell that he's had enough of this relationship and he's going to hang himself tomorrow. At this point I seriously want him to do it as I cannot take him anymore. Just fed up of constant drinking and constant issues in his life.

I am tired of looking after his mental health, finding doctors etc for him to see, supporting him in pretty much every way possible. I am so fed up with him. I am vulnerable myself given we have just had a baby and now he's yet again can't control himself. I get he might feel depressed but I seriously don't have it in me to help him out and deal with his bullshit yet again.

Before people suggest - I don't have family and friends in the country to help me out. I am getting baby passport done now so could go back and stay with my parents for a while. Going back to work after 6 months.

Alcohol is depressive so that will be making his mental health even worse so he might well mean his threats in that moment.

It doesn't actually matter though. Whether he is an abusive manipulator, an alcoholic on another bender or genuinely suicidal, you actions should be the same.

Get yourself and you baby away from this man before he can do any MORE harm then he already has. Call the police/his family and tell them he is threatening suicide.

Then LEAVE.

This is both the most safe and the most kind option that will prevent future guilt and protect your child and yourself, and also protect OH /give him a wake up call. Best case, this is his rock bottom and he can start to change but don't count on it!

Ignore those posters saying people who say they are suicidal are not going to do it.
Ignore those posters who say that he's doing it because he is abusing you.

I mean yes there are cases where both those things have happened, but unless you're ok with being a single parent after loosing your husband to suicide, don't rely on it being true. Do call the mental health crisis team in your area or even 999. Both police and ambulance staff are trained to support in these situations.

It sounds to me as if he wants attention and he is jealous of the baby. I had one like that although he didn't threat suicide. Apparently my fog of PND was harder for him hence having to gamble and drink.

I wouldn't call anyone on his behalf. I'd tell him that if he feels that way he needs to find help. I'd then get away from him.

If you stay this will continue.

Agree with the other posters that the correct response is to call 999 immediately. Treat it like it’s serious. If he’s using it as a tool to abuse you then he’ll get a sharp lesson. If he’s genuinely suicidal then he’ll get the help he needs. Either way, you aren’t a trained healthcare professional who is used to dealing with this - it’s not up to you to try to diagnose whether he’s serious, especially with a young child you need to focus on. Treat every threat as if it’s serious.

This. And ignore the posters who are guilt tripping you with posts like but unless you're ok with being a single parent after loosing your husband to suicide, don't rely on it being true. HE is responsible for any actions he takes, not you!

No sign of the original poster then

My exh threatened to kill himself if I divorced him.
He was an alkie and abusive, I told him that it was his choice, I'd knot the rope for him and I divorced him anyway.
With in a couple of weeks of my leaving he had moved in with a another mug and according to her, he was happy. He fleeced her financially before dumping her into debt and baliff territory. She and I met up after the break up.
He never killed himself, because a, he was abusive and controlling and b, loved himself so much, the world would have collasped without him in it.

Abuse abuse abuse. The minute you call out his behaviour he threatens suicide. Tell him you can't have that around your daughter and that he needs to leave the house. If he threatens again, call the police saying there is an emergency that your dh is about to hang himself. With any luck they might section him.

FFS there are some real guilt inducing knobs on this thread.🙄Mine was like this, I preferred the idea of being a single parent to my kids [not bio his]. He was a total abusive shit and I didn't want him around my kids, because my kids welfare and safety were most impotant than one scroats life.
OP has to leave for her and her babys safty and welfare. Her h has to do/ live/ end his life as he sees fit, he's an adult. She is NOT responsible for his actions.

That you for all your replies 🌺just had a chance to read through them all.

Just bit of an update in terms of where things are. So this morning he woke up extremely hangover but pretended to be as per usual which I sort of played along. Oh, and over the night he pissed on the bathroom floor as well. I didn't clean it but by the time baby and I woke up it was cleaned already. Anyway, I did try to tell him on a few occasions what he has done the night before. He was not having any of it. We were having lunch and he got really teary at the table. I tried to say all the right things. But again as soon as I mentioned his behavior (not in a confrontational manner) he just went to his bedroom and told me to leave him alone. Which I did.

I think he is depressed/ going through depressive episode. I left him but he sorted himself out etc so I came back to him.

My course of action now in terms of help for him is to provide all the info he needs to book himself some professional help (covered by private insurance). I am considering maybe speaking to his friend (depending he books himself some help) as he has no family and inform him what's going on.

As for myself I am going to speak to solicitor. I am already having emergency counseling through work partially because of his shitty behavior. And then off to see parents in January.

The problem is, I need to find a place to live and move my and baby stuff as I don't have anywhere to go to. I am financially capable of doing it (not great but all do able) so unlikely to get support through any charities. So no point me contacting those.

I am just fed up and tired of his shit tbh. I was seriously considering leaving him before pregnancy happened. As much as I love him I am fed up. My mission in life is not to support him or keep him alive.

I opened this thread unsure whether I was going to advising someone how to encourage their partner to get urgent mental health support or advising someone to leave an emotional abuser. I’m really sorry to see that it’s the latter. You deserve better than this OP

Has he cleaned the piss up?

My 20-year-old was sick in the bathroom after self-inflicted nonsense yesterday even she made sure that that room was spotless before I opened my eyes this morning

I can’t edit my comments. I’ve just seen that he did clean the piss up, but he doesn’t get a medal for that.

Yes, it was all gone by the time I woke up and the bathroom smells ok so he must have done it properly. (There was too much to dry out on its own)

I am just not sure if contacting his friend is the right thing to do right now. He is a very proper guy and doesn't drink at all. My DH cares and respects him a lot. Unfortunately he lives abroad as well so very unlikely be able to do anything apart from the call.

DH is asleep now after not talking to me. I think he does it so I don't held him responsible for his behavior yesterday. And also he's just massively hangover.

I wouldn’t involve the friend, I’m sorry. He’s a grown man who can call his own friend if he wants to. Suggest he does call his friend though as sounds like he’d be good to talk to.

@WhatAmIsupposeToDoNow I literally lived this life for the best part of two years. The getting utterly shit faced and then threatening to kill himself. The first time the police had to bring him back, second and third time i locked up the house up and slept with the keys under my pillow. The fourth time to told him to go do it because he was obviously so deeply unhappy and I can’t save him.

I have screamed, shouted and thrown things. I have called his parent to come and deal with him and I walked out. Luckily it looks like he has turn the corner and I haven’t seem drunk like that since September and he seems happier.

Don’t feel bad for feeling like you do it’s so so draining and you reach a breaking point. Sorry for making this about me but I just really wanted to say you aren’t alone.

That's why I am not sure. The thing is he is v unlikely to call him himself unless he's at the rock bottom which he's not. But fair point on suggesting to reach out to him

He is absolutely using his mh struggles (which may also be real) to try and avoid any consequences for his behaviour. But your first responsibilities are to yourself and your child. You cannot and should not be responsible for sorting him out too.

Ok so yes you're right. It's fine to prefer the idea of being single, it's right to walk away. She is not responsible for his actions. Doesn't mean there isn't a big difference between

• walk away because you don't have to put up with this whatever the reasons for it or consequences for the man

and

• walk away because a man who does this will just be using you and will be pretending he has mental health problems to excuse it.

No-one male or female, young or old, any colour, race, religion anything, is ever wrong for walking away from something like this why ever it is happening. However no-one should be telling OP that he will just be pretending he has mental health problems, because unless you are him or maybe his psychiatrist, you don't know it that is true.

Ask him to leave for now if you can, and prioritise yourself and your baby. He's not prioritising anyone at the moment and you can't be endlessly responsible for him. Either he will take responsibility for his mental health or he won't. If he does, you can of course support him. If he doesn't, you can't fix it for him and and it's not your burden to try to.

^This
There is atypical depression and men are at the highest risk of suicide. It’s better to call the police or NHS 111 and report a mental health crisis.

We have lost friends who used alcohol to self medicate their depression and then eventually went on to kill themselves despite all the help that was offered.

You can’t help him, all you can do is call in the professionals. Any threat of suicide should be taken seriously.

However no-one should be telling OP that he will just be pretending he has mental health problems, because unless you are him or maybe his psychiatrist, you don't know it that is true.

This too! Plus if those saying he is pretending are wrong, and he does hang himself, it’s the OP that will have to live with the consequences of it. None of us would.

This is why it is best to do what you can, what you’d even do for a stranger you saw on a bridge- call the police or 111 for mental health crisis. That way your conscience is clean. You did all you could while also protecting yourself and your child(ren).

A year ago you were deciding to have a child with him. I’m just wondering what led you to decide to do that. And has something changed since then? Has this been recent?
Only he can sort himself out. And it sounds like a trip away might be a good idea for you as you need some support. But it might be worth being really clear that, thought you need to leave for a period, there is no way that him dying is something you or his child wants. He is needed as a dad and if he looks after himself he will be capable of that.