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Original poster

Would this piss you off or am I overreacting?

191 replies

HappyLimeHiker · 10/12/2025 15:20

DH has a 'work wife' who, to say I'm not a fan of, would be an understatement. They carpool to work despite her living 10 miles in the opposite direction to his works and adding an extra 45 minutes each way to his commute. Last week was DH birthday and he brought a birthday card home signed by everyone. All totally innocuous apart from her message which didn't make reference to his birthday but simply said 'luv ya lots'. Am I right in thinking this is inappropriate and totally disrespectful to me and our marriage? It almost feels like it's a passive aggressive attempt to piss on her territory? Imo you don't write a message like that on a married man's card unless you are looking to cause trouble. Or is it completely innocent and I'm overthinking it?

OP posts:
Delatron · 11/12/2025 21:07

So they’ve been at work together all day. Yet it’s really important that he spends an EXTRA 45 minutes with her on top of a commute together..rather than get home to see you. Oh come on.

I would never put up with this. Plus she sounds crazy..

MrsHGWells · 11/12/2025 21:07

this is potential future husband grooming material - a lot of marital information can be divulged in casual conversations.. that little trollop can jog on - next thing you’ll find her items in the car out of convenience.. and DH won’t want to let her down.. sob stories..

your DH obviously gets some ego boost out of this.. it’s not just a ride share.. it’s an emotional relationship with expectations..The card itself would be cringy amongst the office .. the rides need to stop.

Purpleturtle45 · 11/12/2025 21:10

You are not overreacting, what you have described is not an appropriate way for a married man to behave.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 11/12/2025 21:14

I would feel the same way as you. I think it depends on two things. Whether there are others carpooling with them also and if she is they type who says it to everyone (I know a few people who do). If he talks about her often, I do think it's not on. You could ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed

KateShugakIsALegend · 11/12/2025 21:15

The carpooling makes no rational sense. It has to stop.

And he is an idiot if he needs this pointing out to him.

AnneShirleyBlythe · 11/12/2025 21:19

WallaceinAnderland · 10/12/2025 16:35

What is the reason for the car pooling? It clearly isn't environmental or to save on fuel.

Yeah surely you car pool if you live near someone or they are on your route to work? That would make me suspicious!

LBFseBrom · 11/12/2025 21:36

peachgreen · 10/12/2025 15:31

The card is fine – taking an hour and a half away from you/his kids EVERY SINGLE DAY to be able to drive her to and from work is absolutely fucking ridiculous.

I agree, the time is a bit much.

PithyTaupeWriter · 11/12/2025 21:40

Sorry but he is taking the piss out of you. Knock this on the head asap

PithyTaupeWriter · 11/12/2025 21:42

Also to add that your DH is a married man - it is up to him to rebuff advances from other women. Her behaviour isn’t cool, but your annoyance is aimed at the wrong person. DH is the one lapping up the attention (if not something more).

PithyTaupeWriter · 11/12/2025 21:42

How about you get yourself a work husband, and see how DH likes it?

CantBreathe90 · 11/12/2025 21:45

Car pooling is supposed to save time and money. If you're actually spending more time and money, for the purpose of having one on one time with someone, that's closer to a date. I wouldn't even be arsed with it for a friend - "no Claire, I'll spend half an hour longer in bed and see you at work".

The card thing is also weird. I have male friends who I give birthday cards to. I don't send lots of kisses and "love you"s, because it could be misconstrued by them, their wives, my partner, or anyone else.

Sorry OP. I'd be frank with him. If he doesn't stop with this woman, I'd leave.

ACR7 · 11/12/2025 21:45

The message on the card wouldn’t bother me written in that way. The driving out of his way to get her most definitely would. Red flag

notacooldad · 11/12/2025 21:45

Taking things at face value, the card wouldn't bother me, I dont think. Its spelt in a jokey way and its how I sometimes say things to close friends, both male and female.
The 'work wife' malarky really bugs me for some reason. I just find it a daft expression.
I would have rage over the driving though.

localnotail · 11/12/2025 21:48

I wound never accept the whole "work wife" thing - no fucking way. But if your husband thinks its OK then I guess there is nothing you can do. Apart from, maybe, getting some kind of a "hobby husband" or "school gate husband" or whatever. But then again, why being is a relationship like that? No fucking point, if you ask me.

BTW. They are definitely shagging, you do know that?

Daytimetellyqueen · 11/12/2025 21:52

BauhausOfEliott · 11/12/2025 09:36

The card thing wouldn’t bother me in the slightest; it’s nothing I’d take literally.

The 45 minute extra commute to pick up a colleague who lives in the opposite direction would bother me a lot though!

This. Plus it makes no sense - she should drive to yours & then they travel together if they’re going to car share but what he is doing is nuts!

outerspacepotato · 11/12/2025 21:53

The commute, hell no.

Her lying about the hobby, oh, fuck no.

She's trying to be you by taking on your hobby and your husband. She wants your life.

Your husband has no boundaries and he's enjoying another woman's company most of the day. You need to set some boundaries with him about the time he spends with this woman. Is it worth his marriage?

Athens123 · 11/12/2025 22:06

HappyLimeHiker · 11/12/2025 08:45

OK, so to answer some questions. As to why I don't like her, she's a pick me girl. DH said she's great if you can get past the constant bullshitting and exaggerating but I just can't. I have a hobby that's a big part of my identity and I spend a lot of time doing. She told DH she was an expert in this and wanted to join me and he invited her on my behalf. When we started it was obvious that she had never done said activity before just by her stance and the way she nearly ruined my expensive equipment. Then she wanted to come regularly and join my club and tbh I felt like I was being single white femaled. As a pp posted she is very needy and despite her being very nice, the twice I've met her it felt like she was trying too hard and was desperate for me to like her. I'm glad everyone has validated my feelings that the commuting is batshit. When she first started and found out where we lived she asked DH if she could travel with him but used to get a lift to ours but when she got her car he said it was unfair for her to have to drive to ours and he didn't mind picking her up. As to what I'm going to do, I'm going to speak to him about this over the weekend and probably show him this thread so he can see it's not just me who thinks it is absolute insanity.

Smells more fishy than Billingsgate .
Tell him to choose

AmyJahabee · 11/12/2025 22:06

YANBU, At work I get teased jokingly with another male colleague as “work wife and husband” as we spend a lot of time together working on the same project.. we are very good friends but I wouldn’t think of writing I luv you on his card. Maybe she want more and your husband might be totally unaware and innocent

forest4thetrees · 11/12/2025 22:06

I agree with others here that "work wife" is a horrible, degrading reference to a colleague, and a huge insult to a spouse. My 1st husband, long time Ex, used it back in the 90's/early 2000's. Definitely creepy, and I think tells a lot about a man. Wish I had taken it more seriously att, he turned out to be a serial womanizer and cheat.

Horrorscope · 11/12/2025 22:17

Nah, the whole thing sounds suspicious and unacceptable.

Moaning5 · 11/12/2025 22:17

Why are they carpooling when they live nowhere near each other ?

Does he refer to her as his Work Wife ?

The card wouldn’t bother me - Luv & Ya is quite bantery IMO but these 2 things are more important.

Animatic · 11/12/2025 22:25

The card would be the least of my worries. But the whole "work wife" situation and daily extra 90 mins in the car together would have made me question who the "true wife" is in this scenario.

Hankunamatata · 11/12/2025 22:29

Id be telling him the 'car share' stops or he can pack his bags. It's a total waste of time and money. If he wants to prioritise her then he can live somewhere else

Runrunrudolph · 11/12/2025 22:39

FeliciaFancybottom · 10/12/2025 15:59

I hate the whole work wife/husband thing, it's disrespectful to the person who is actually their spouse. My husband has female friends but not once has he referred to any of them as his wife.

Calling a colleague a " work wife" just totally blurs the boundaries. Wheras their relationship should be a professional one this transforms it into something intimate and totally disrespectful to the man's wife.

If he really refers to her, and views her as a " work wife" then the extra time he spends in her company and the very casually intimate "luva ya lots" message is probably only part of their unprofessional relationship that is morphing from that of colleagues into something inappropriate.

Ebeneser · 11/12/2025 22:43

Nah, if they car share she'll need to drive somewhere more central and get picked up. Lots of people where I work will drive to X location with free parking and they continue on in someone elses car. Total piss take