Would this piss you off or am I overreacting?

[HappyLimeHiker]

DH has a 'work wife' who, to say I'm not a fan of, would be an understatement. They carpool to work despite her living 10 miles in the opposite direction to his works and adding an extra 45 minutes each way to his commute. Last week was DH birthday and he brought a birthday card home signed by everyone. All totally innocuous apart from her message which didn't make reference to his birthday but simply said 'luv ya lots'. Am I right in thinking this is inappropriate and totally disrespectful to me and our marriage? It almost feels like it's a passive aggressive attempt to piss on her territory? Imo you don't write a message like that on a married man's card unless you are looking to cause trouble. Or is it completely innocent and I'm overthinking it?

That’s not car pooling, that’s an excuse to spend more time together.

This! The work wife/ husband stuff is extremely weird.

Invite her round for dinner - check the dynamics

Okay so she horned in on your hobby, desperately tries too hard with you, your husband goes way out of his way to car pool at your expense and tells you she's lively really and she writes luv ya loads?

Something stinks very badly here OP. She's after him and she's caught him or very nearly so.

Neither would bother me but then, I’ve had 2 work husbands over the decades, and still incredibly close to both even though we didn’t by work together anymore. Not had an affair with either and never will (and have had decades of opportunity to do so). My DH had a work wife who he was/is very close to despite no longer working together, they are not having an affair.

A firm no from me!!!!!
for the card but mainly the driving!!!

Men do mostly what they want. If he’s doing that, it’s because he wants to. 90 minutes a day wants to… sorry op but he has gone hook line and sinker… x

The comment on the card I wouldn’t be at all bothered about in isolation.
The lifts would really annoy me and if they actually use the term ‘work wife’ that would royally piss me off

It’s probably nothing. I’ve been work friends with married men and they mostly talk about their wives, in a good way. The card is no reason for alarm; they’re good friends. Relaxed unless he gives you more reason to be concerned. So far there’s not much.

When working my commute was 30 miles. No way would I travel 10 miles in the opposite direction to pick up a work colleague thereby doing an extra 40 miles a day. The logical solution would have been she drives to your house or somewhere suitable to park like a park and share and they then take it in turns to drive to work. I just remembered I once travelled with a work colleague who lived 16 miles in the opposite direction. She drove to my town and she either drove or left her car and I drove to work. Dh would have thought I had lost my mind if I had decided to travel to pick up my colleague and then travel to work.

Haven’t read through the thread but the 45 minute detour is absolute b*llocks. No way would I be happy with this.

Save yourself the stress and the misery and split up with him now. This isn't going to end well otherwise!

To me, the spelling of luv and the informal phrasing, plus the fact that she wrote it in plain sight, would suggest it's platonic. (Of course, they could also be having a torrid affair and getting off on boing it in plain sight, but that seems less likely). I don't think the phrase itself is automatically inappropriate but it sounds like there are other things about her or how your husband acts around her or where she's involved (besides the stupid "carpooling" arrangement - what a waste of petrol!!) that bug you. There may be a reason for that. OTOH, she seems a bit socially awkward, so maybe unintentionally coming across as kind of odd and questionable and not aware of it?

A different take/concern here, but if she’s pushy and manipulative (as it seems she is reading between the lines of her behaviour to both of you) then your husband is actually leaving himself exposed by being alone with her in a car? She could make a claim of harassment about him to their employer, or worse. You could make this point to him. My parents ran a business together and my mum told me my dad started giving lifts home to one member of staff who lived in the opposite direction. My mum told him he needed to be careful and this worried him and he stopped. She did eventually make an allegation, but against another man at work! My dad is always concerned about seeming like a nice guy and struggles to think beyond that

Also the way she initially actually got your husband to give her a lift the whole way because it was “unfair”, quite manipulative and maybe he was worried he didn’t want to seem like the bad guy… very strange about her trying to latch onto you. You both need to take a step back. I don’t like the sign off in the cards at all, plus her behaviour to you, it is very single white female vibes and I wouldn’t assume your DH has done anything wrong yet other than not nipped this in the bud soon enough. I don’t know if you have DC but maybe they can have an after school activity he needs to be there to collect them from, so getting home so much later doesn’t work for him anymore

The card in itself isn't necessarily a big deal. I would put that on my married friends' cards regardless of their sex. However the spouses know me well, and I'd put the same on cards to them.

It's perfectly normal for men and women to have platonic friends outside of their marriage/relationship - I've always had that, and anyone who said I couldn't would be sent packing. I also see nothing wrong with 'lots of love' type messages on a card.
However, the commuting thing makes no sense whatsoever, and from the way you've described the woman, she sounds a bit desperate/manipulative.
Depends on your husband and you, the strength of your relationship, your honesty with each other, and his actual intent in continuing the commuting arrangement (bonkers).

He needs a new job or new marriage.

Either way this is not an equitable arrangement. Things need to change. New Year new arrangements. As another poster said, she should drive to your house and leave her car there, then share the rest of the journey together.
Also, I bloody hate the term “work wife”. He has one wife and that’s you! including working hours.
Good luck lass, this needs to be dealt with. ❤️

“When she first started and found out where we lived she asked DH if she could travel with him but used to get a lift to ours but when she got her car he said it was unfair for her to have to drive to ours and he didn't mind picking her up.” (Can’t make bold for some reason)

What is his rationale for driving her extra AFTER she had got a car? How is it ‘unfair’ to expect her to continue the arrangement of arriving at your house NOW SHE HAS HER OWN CAR?

Is there nobody at work who lives closer to her? Why can’t she drive herself there? Does she pay your husband petrol money?

Shes “great” once you get past all the “bullshitting” and showing off (lying) Why does he think she’s great? Have you asked? He clearly does bc he’s choosing to spend more time with her than you as he sees her before, after and during work.

Also what did she say when it was clear she’d never done your hobby before? Did you ask if she had?

What a pair of wankers.

You’re not wrong there. I’ve been in the workplace for 40+ years and have witnessed quite a few situations where chummy arrangements have started and then developed into something more intimate.

Exactly, there is no rationale behind this arrangement… and that’s the rub!
The OP’s husband is either a massive people pleaser or really enjoys spending one-on-one time with this female colleague.

screams of Coldplay concert incident waiting to happen.

The carpooling needs to be shut down.

Thats your interpretation of a journey that takes the driver 45 mins out of his way? 😒 OK then...

What a pair of wankers.

Sums it up 100 per cent, spot on!!! 👌 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏💯

Re the driving: as she lives in the opposite direction to work, surely it would make sense for her to drive to where you live and park near there, and for the car pool to start then, from there.
(not that that really solves your issue of them being so close though)

EDIT to add that I’ve just seen more posts and seen that this has been discussed.