Would this piss you off or am I overreacting?

[HappyLimeHiker]

DH has a 'work wife' who, to say I'm not a fan of, would be an understatement. They carpool to work despite her living 10 miles in the opposite direction to his works and adding an extra 45 minutes each way to his commute. Last week was DH birthday and he brought a birthday card home signed by everyone. All totally innocuous apart from her message which didn't make reference to his birthday but simply said 'luv ya lots'. Am I right in thinking this is inappropriate and totally disrespectful to me and our marriage? It almost feels like it's a passive aggressive attempt to piss on her territory? Imo you don't write a message like that on a married man's card unless you are looking to cause trouble. Or is it completely innocent and I'm overthinking it?

The question here OP is what are you going to do about it?

I’m going to suggest something underhand pot deeply satisfying, in my experience. Stick a microphone in his car for when he next does the journey and you will learn by the end of the day what the truth is. Just be sure you want to know the truth.

They carpool to work despite her living 10 miles in the opposite direction to his works and adding an extra 45 minutes each way to his commute

To quote titus What white nonsense is this??

Feck the card....
NINENTY mins extra per day 😵‍💫

ninety.....

Nine-ty

Every. Single. Day.

Agree with everyone else.

Luv ya lots wouldn't bother me (apart from the spelling 😂).

I have written "love you loads" and "loads of love" to male friends and close colleagues before now.

The 90 minute detour to pick her up / drop her off after work however. Fuck no.

What is the reason for the car pooling? It clearly isn't environmental or to save on fuel.

Totally this. The car sharing doesn't make sense! It should save time, not take time. This would raise my suspicions. Would he do this for 65 year old Colin in accounts?

Why are they car-pooling when they are both going out of each other's way? I would ask him to stop in the New Year.

The card wouldn't bother me - lots of people write that type of thing - I wrote it (but not spelled like that!) in a card to a colleague and her family only the other day. The car pool thing makes no sense at all, why doesn't she drive to your house and then they share from there? Otherwise he is wasting both time and money (on fuel).

How long is the commute from her house?

This car pool would bother me because it's so pointless

I would be way more annoyed about the car pool than the birthday card.

It’s the two things together that are ‘off’.
usually when you car pool it’s mutually convenient. Not one person doubling their journey.
I would have a chat about the car pool situation and see how he reacts to you suggesting it gets knocked on the head due to it taking more time for DH and not being cost efficient for you.

"Am I right in thinking this is inappropriate and totally disrespectful to me and our marriage"

I think being inappropriate and disrespectful belongs solely with your husband.

Don't focus on her motivations, she owes you nothing.

He is married to you

You're angry at the wrong person @HappyLimeHiker

theyre play acting a relationship bug think by keeping it all in plain sight means its not wrong.

its like children playing mums and dads. Except this has the chance to turn very real and damaging.

have you asked him to explain in simple terms why he carpools with someone so inconvenient?

He's going out of his way, literally, to spend more time with her. That would be my issue. And I wouldn't put up with it anymore, if I were you.

That's really questionable behaviour, it makes no real sense at all

I would expect my husband to want an extra 45 minutes in bed with me in a morning!

I second the idea of her either driving herself (knocking car share on the head) or driving to yours and car sharing from there, obviously dependent on where work is.

The card would probably piss me off more due to the car situation.

You are not a fan of her- can you elaborate why? ( apart from what you’ve told us )

have you met her ? Can you invite her round for dinner go out for a drink ?
the blame for any wrong doing lies firmly with YOUR husband not the woman .

The Whole thing is completely cringe and I bet their colleagues assume something is going on as well (rightly or wrongly). Does your husband know how much all of this concerns you?

If he’s happy though he’s unlikely to change it as you’re jealous. To be honest if I was him, and I’m female. And my husband took issue, I’d tell him I’d car share with whom I please and won’t be controlled. So I’m not sure how difference some random women on mumsnet agreeing with you makes. If they really are just mates, that is.

i am a little agog at the suggestion he should want an extra 45 mins in bed with you each day, like he can have ni free will or time, all he should do is be there for you, no way I’d want my husband to treat me like that.

Nobody car shares with someone living ten miles in the opposite direction without an ulterior motive.

Don’t be daft 😂

Agog? My husband and I enjoy spending time together in a morning, hardly controlling to think he'd rather have sex/cuddles than sit on a commute for longer than necessary.

We love mornings when we can spend some extra time together, and we've been together for donkey's years. I'm agog that anyone would think it preferable to drive out of your way than spend time with your spouse.

It's not daft. It defeats the whole object of carshare.

OP have you asked him why he does this?

You mention “work wife”, op.
What else does this extend to? Just how close are these two?