Would this piss you off or am I overreacting?

[HappyLimeHiker]

DH has a 'work wife' who, to say I'm not a fan of, would be an understatement. They carpool to work despite her living 10 miles in the opposite direction to his works and adding an extra 45 minutes each way to his commute. Last week was DH birthday and he brought a birthday card home signed by everyone. All totally innocuous apart from her message which didn't make reference to his birthday but simply said 'luv ya lots'. Am I right in thinking this is inappropriate and totally disrespectful to me and our marriage? It almost feels like it's a passive aggressive attempt to piss on her territory? Imo you don't write a message like that on a married man's card unless you are looking to cause trouble. Or is it completely innocent and I'm overthinking it?

But it looks like he has hidden the card she will have obviously given him. @HappyLimeHiker also hasn't mentioned what present the WW (work wife) gave him, so that has probably been hidden until he can say that he bought it for himself.

Why am I so certain that she got him a seperate card, and at least a little present? Because if I was car sharing with anyone every working day, I would want to give them a card from me, and at least a box of chocolates, or a bottle of wine or something, and that would stand whichever sex they are.

Also losing 45 to 60 minutes, presumably 5 days a week, every other week - which my maths tells me is at least 7hrs and 30 minutes every other week, on top of whatever time it would normally take the OP's husband to commute to and from work every day if he wasn't picking the WW up! That is totally unacceptable. On the weeks when the WW is driving the car share, the OP's husband isn't ever gaining the 7.5 hours, he is just at the point he would have been if he had never car shared in the first place.

Then assuming that her husband has 6 weeks off work every year, that would mean that he loses 172 hours and 30 minutes every year, which to my reckoning equals just over 7 days a year, so I whole extra week per year, just spent with his WW! For once, I really hope that I have screwed up my maths somewhere, as that would be a ridiculous amount to be losing every year?

45 minutes extra driving for a colleague is not on. I don't understand the term "work wife" - there are work colleagues and one wife. You.

You need to have a seriously frank conversation with him. What's happening is not working for you, your relationship, and it's creating resentment.

Yes this
I have a colleague who asked me for a lift when they found out we lived in the same town instead of them getting the bus.
I said no problem but there’s no chance I am I faffing about picking up from home address adding more minutes onto my morning journey, not a chance.
My offer was that I leave between 7.10 and 7.30 am so be waiting by my car parked on the street near my house at 7.05 am and if you are there when I come out you can jump in and if not I will assume you don’t want a lift.
It worked ok for a few weeks until one morning she knocked at 7.10 as it was raining asking me how long I was going to be -I was fuming as not rushing about for anyone I’m helping. I think she was upset when I said I would be another 20 mins but didn’t invite her in to wait:
Sod that in the mornings with the kids running riot and DH wandering about in his pants -cheeky bugger!
We also had an incident where she was running late so texted me , presumably hoping I’d hold on
I was clear no need to text- if you aren’t there waiting I just go anyway no skin off my nose and will assume you don’t want a lift /are ill/off on a/l etc

it also got tricky with being asked for lift home if we happened to be leaving building at same time as I would drive directly to my house and said bye from there ( wouldn’t drop her home anyhow as need to crack on /knackered after work etc and her end of town loads traffic to boot )- I think she was expecting door to door service and quietly seethed on the couple occasions I did this.

I think it’s an absolute arse car sharing and can’t see how would in a million years someone would go 45 mins out their way for anyone unless
1- they had an ulterior motive
2- they wanted to avoid morning routine with the kids and school run.

I wouldn't be tolerating this for a minute.
He's getting a lovely ego boost from this.
Be glad you don't have children with him.
I would absolutely think she could well have her eye on him.
Offer to help him pack if he starts defending her.

You could have let her wait in the car, if it was raining and you were going to be another 20 minutes!

That’s 90 minutes a day he could be spending to benefit your household and your marriage. Being with you, doing housework, cooking, shopping, etc so that you both have a nicer life & more leisure time together at weekends.

Instead he is devoting that time to her. Because he wants to. Think about that.

I was too angry that she’s knocked
fuming as felt trying to gee me on /get me to hurry -sod that

I’d been clear lifts ok where there’s absolutely no pressure or infringement/inconvenience to me -I had no issue saying those actual words.

if you’re there when I leave hop in is where my generosity starts and ends , if that doesn’t work for someone jump on the bus!

I also had while I’m walking out the building - oh I finish in ten minutes...side glance, nervous hopeful smile - not a chance
and another time on the way home I got a call from DH with a list of bits he needed for dinner which was met with sighs and quiet irritation when I pulled into ASDA on way back. Still preferred waiting in the car to being dropped at nearest bus stop

I think car sharing/lifts not for me lol

I probably wouldn’t like it tbh.

It’s a bit millennial. We always used to sign our texts like that regardless of who it was. It was more a show of appreciation for the friendship than actually I love you kind of thing.

However, if you’re not happy with the arrangement of him picking her up then you must say something to him.

Does she pay for the carpool If not then maybe get her to pay towards fuel costs.

I think it's crossing a line and she is taking the P. But... don't think anything is going on because, as you say, he is home earlier on days she drives. If they were having an affair it would be a prime opportunity to sneak off together. I do, however, think she want's to and 'Luv Ya Lots' on a card full of professional well wishes is trying to mark her territory as PP said.

Weird

Time that he is spending with her after being at work with her all day every day. And instead of getting back to his wife 45 minutes earlier…

Plenty of people women sign cards with love to all and sundry. That alone wouldn't give me cause for concern, but with the lifts?
They're not car sharing for convenience, cost or the environment, but because they want to spend time together.
It's too much.

The card is no biggie

the 90 mins each day is a huge issue

Hunny you need to put a stop to this, I went through something similar recently with a member of staff at a grocery store, me and my partner and toddler went in there as normal and once we get to the self service checkout there's this woman who has history in being overly friendly with him, so on this occasion she said hello to him and was all flirty and smiley with him then there was this awkward silence and then she starts grinning and touches (pats) my partner near the bum area, really disrespectful to me and i confronted him about it and he said ''not everyone is a homewrecker, I told her about your cancer that you recently had''. That wound me up even more because he told her something private and emotional about me. I have reported her behaviour to the store she works in, apparently they're looking into it by reviewing the cctv footage. If this is bothering you then you need to have a serious conversation with him, is this impacting your capability to work? As in mentally? Because if it is then you should share your feelings with either 1 of them or both of them, if your partner is adamant on continuing with this arrangement then make him choose or do you know anyone else at their place of work that can keep a discreet eye on them? Another suggestion would be to put a microphone in the car when it's his turn to drive them to work? You should get a clear idea of what this ''mad relationship'' really is. Let us know how you get on

OP, for context is DH the type that regularly runs around doing daft things (like adding an extra 45 minutes to a commute) to "help" others? Or is it just this woman? I ask because I know people who will do utterly batshit things to "help" others without really thinking about how it comes across or how ridiculous a favour it is for someone to ask of them.
FWIW my ex started running around after a colleague at work, helping to "support" them and going massively out of the way to do things for them. I knew IMMEDIATELY that something was off because Ex never lifted a finger to help or support me, or anyone else. I was correct and actually quite happy to hand Ex over!
I think this "work wife" (that term would boil my piss BTW) has her motives to have suggested the car share thing. Whether your DH is just an innocent, slightly naive helpful person or not, I think you should be keeping an eye on her.

WTF, you reported her?
That's crazy.
If there is an issue, your partner should deal with it. If not it's an issue with him.

Yes the card would bother me (also the 'going out of his way' driving). They seem to have quite a cozy relationship if she writes - 'luv ya lots' in a card everyone sees, especially one he brings home. Its not an everyday comment I would expect from my husbands colleague - why is she so comfortable telling him she loves him - does she say this to him every day? I think your husband needs to remember he's married and its not OK to be seeking affection from a work colleague, ask him does he say that back to her when she says it to him? Maybe he's flattered by that - well if he had respect for you, he would nip that in the bud and say 'I only say that to my wife'

For those saying that using the word ‘love’ / ‘luv’ in the message in the card is normal… Hmmm to me, “luv ya lots” is a lot less normal than “love from “ or “luv from “

What would be his perspective I wonder, if the boot were on the other foot?

look what people do, not what they say - sadly.

good luck - you will feel better once it is out in the open.

Aside from the needless commute, she seems to want you to like her. If there was anything going on, surely your husband wouldn’t have introduced you to each other?

Definitely speak to him about the travelling but also perhaps give this lady a chance to be a friend.

The card wouldn’t bother me (is she really a grown up who writes ‘luv’?!)
The extra 45 minutes travel time would piss me off - does she contribute to petrol for him going so far out of his way? Though even if she did the travel would still annoy me

Update because I hate it when you get invested in a thread with no updates. I showed DH this thread and told him to read the comments. He got to the end of my post and said but she says that to everyone, that's just the way she is. It was Daves birthday yesterday, I will get him to send a photo of his card, I bet she wrote the same on his. So I told him the card was no longer the issue it was the ridiculous commuting issue and all day expedition to pick her up and drop her off daily. Apparently she offered to drive to ours daily but he said he would pick her up because he thinks she's struggling financially and we are in a better financial position than her having just paid off our mortgage (not well off enough to be subsidising her travel however) and its a nightmare to park in her street and she will have to park several streets away when she gets home. He also pointed out when he gets home he goes for an hour long shit and I go to hobby briefly so we don't really get to relax and spend time together until I get home which is true. However after I said that 160 odd women thought it was totally batshit and she needed to drive to ours for carsharing and read some of your comments to him he agreed this is the most sensible option. He also said WW has a recording camera in her car that records all audio daily then overwrites it the next day and offered to get one so I could listen in but I don't think that's necessary. I trust him and I have full access to his phone and sometimes take his phone to hobby so I've got a phone for emergencies if mine needs charging. So positive outcome, thank you ladies for your words of wisdom which helped him realise things need to change.

He spends 2 and a half hours of his day driving another woman around and taking a shit. That's astounding.

He's no prize, thats for sure.🤢

Well done Op.