Would this piss you off or am I overreacting?

[HappyLimeHiker]

DH has a 'work wife' who, to say I'm not a fan of, would be an understatement. They carpool to work despite her living 10 miles in the opposite direction to his works and adding an extra 45 minutes each way to his commute. Last week was DH birthday and he brought a birthday card home signed by everyone. All totally innocuous apart from her message which didn't make reference to his birthday but simply said 'luv ya lots'. Am I right in thinking this is inappropriate and totally disrespectful to me and our marriage? It almost feels like it's a passive aggressive attempt to piss on her territory? Imo you don't write a message like that on a married man's card unless you are looking to cause trouble. Or is it completely innocent and I'm overthinking it?

You don’t car share and double your journey! That’s idiotic! What’s extra-idiotic is that she has her own car - so why on Earth doesn’t she drive to your house and either pick up your DH or he drive them both to work from there? That would at least make sense.

But it seems they don’t - because they want to spend that extra time together and don’t want to say goodbye outside your house with you watching whereas they can stop and have a nice chat if he drops her home, then blame the extra time on traffic.

And yes, the card is pathetic. She sounds very needy.

Yes this would really piss me off firstly the work wife part I would not be happy with and find it disrespectful to a marriage. The fact he is going out of his way to pick her up would suggest something more. I would be wanting this to end ASAP otherwise I would walk and also would be checking his phone as these would give me reason for concern for my marriage.

My ex's work wife lived only 10 minutes out of his way (each way) and he was actually on the phone to her when dc2 was born - he went AWOL in the hospital and didn't come back to the maternity suite until we were in recovery.

I would be mortified that he's spending 90 minutes EXTRA a day 1:1 with another woman.

She knows you’ll read it so she should be more sensitive. I’ve stopped putting a kiss on my texts to my male colleague but not to my female colleagues purely for this reason, ie out of respect for his wife.

Always love a cool wife, it is reasonable to feel disrespected on how he is treating his wife and marriage. If your husband brought up genuine concerns then I guess he has a choice to walk. I don't think the op sounds jealous at all, she feels threatened which I think most people would.

See if you can put a sneaky voice recorder in the car on his weeks

I always love a poster who feels the need to use mumsnet tropes

cool wife
baffled
ducks in a row
no is a complete sentance

so original 😂

OK, so to answer some questions. As to why I don't like her, she's a pick me girl. DH said she's great if you can get past the constant bullshitting and exaggerating but I just can't. I have a hobby that's a big part of my identity and I spend a lot of time doing. She told DH she was an expert in this and wanted to join me and he invited her on my behalf. When we started it was obvious that she had never done said activity before just by her stance and the way she nearly ruined my expensive equipment. Then she wanted to come regularly and join my club and tbh I felt like I was being single white femaled. As a pp posted she is very needy and despite her being very nice, the twice I've met her it felt like she was trying too hard and was desperate for me to like her. I'm glad everyone has validated my feelings that the commuting is batshit. When she first started and found out where we lived she asked DH if she could travel with him but used to get a lift to ours but when she got her car he said it was unfair for her to have to drive to ours and he didn't mind picking her up. As to what I'm going to do, I'm going to speak to him about this over the weekend and probably show him this thread so he can see it's not just me who thinks it is absolute insanity.

If they are taking in turns driving then she should drive to your house and then get in DH car - that way it’s not out of his way and still sharing petrol etc - what they are doing now is just ridiculous

They must sit in the car and chat , as 10 miles extra does not take 45 minutes .

YANBU - that was a message to you.

Thought the whole point of car pooling was to reduce fuel usage/costs and be a bit greener? If he is spending 90mins more in a car each day how does this make sense, unless it is just a ruse to have time together? When you car pooling on school runs you pick up locally so it just adds the odd 5 mins as one of you is usually on the other’s way.

I’d not be happy with this, either. But my husband is OCD about his BMW and hates having anyone in car before/after work (including his family) so I know I speak from the position where it will never be an issue!

I think it depends on the reason why they are car sharing. I sometimes go 20 minutes out of my way to pick up a male colleague, if we're working in a particular location we like to go together and discuss work things (and some non work things) on the way. Completely innocent, we're both married.

The card thing wouldn’t bother me in the slightest; it’s nothing I’d take literally.

The 45 minute extra commute to pick up a colleague who lives in the opposite direction would bother me a lot though!

Going 20 minutes out of your way to give someone an occasional lift when you happen to be working in the same location is a very different thing to going 45 minutes out of your way every single day, on your regular commute to your everyday office base.

Yes, I agree. But I would want to ask the question of why he is choosing to add 45 mins to his commute ( and presumably she's adding 45 minutes on the days she's driving). Does it make their work life easier by going together? Is it difficult to park at their work? If there's no good reason then that's maybe a concern, but it doesn't sound like OP has asked that question.

my DH could have a work wife over my dead body. the ridiculous detour everyday to pick her up, would also be over my dead body.

Can someone explain exactly what a work wife is?
Because it sounds like someone running around collecting his shirts from the laundry, making his coffee, remembering his kid’s birthdays, etc. like a 1950s PA.
Surely not?!

Card ok. Daft car share not ok.

That’s just crazy. What is his reasoning for getting into that arrangement??

I think the note on its own could be nothing but coupled with the ridiculous "workwife" and the communting thing, I think you're right it's a deliberate attempt to mark her territory. Probably more for the benefit of work colleagues who would see the card, more than you.

Hmm, what does he say about it OP?

Nobody ever says 'I love my job, I just wish the commute was a bit longer!' do they?

I wouldn't ask my actual husband to add that time to his commute to save me...what is the actual point? How on earth is he justifying this in terms of practicalities? It's more expensive, wastes time, and unnecessarily increases wear and tear on his car.

To be fair my office is 10 miles away from home and the commute can take up to an hour on a bad day...

Absolutely not. No way. I wouldn't tolerate this in my marriage. 'Work wife' fuck off. You have 1 wife and 1 only. If he wants a second one at work he can fuck off.