Would this piss you off or am I overreacting?

[HappyLimeHiker]

DH has a 'work wife' who, to say I'm not a fan of, would be an understatement. They carpool to work despite her living 10 miles in the opposite direction to his works and adding an extra 45 minutes each way to his commute. Last week was DH birthday and he brought a birthday card home signed by everyone. All totally innocuous apart from her message which didn't make reference to his birthday but simply said 'luv ya lots'. Am I right in thinking this is inappropriate and totally disrespectful to me and our marriage? It almost feels like it's a passive aggressive attempt to piss on her territory? Imo you don't write a message like that on a married man's card unless you are looking to cause trouble. Or is it completely innocent and I'm overthinking it?

This! This for me is completely unnecessary and unacceptable.

The whole 'work wife' thing is lunatic behavior. "It's just a joke" - No, it isn't. It's weird.

My partner has a 'work husband' - His mate who he goes to the pub with on Friday after work, trains with in the evenings, whose partner I am friends with and who we socialize with as couples. That's just a joke.

A woman who you don't know, aren't friends with, who goes around telling your partner/husband's colleagues that's she's his 'work wife'...that's not a joke, that's disrespectful.

No issue with my partner having female friends, at work or anywhere else, whether I know them or not. Trust him implicitly. But if one of them started referring to herself as his 'work wife' without me being in on the joke, I'd expect him to put a stop to it instantly.

I’d be furious

The whole situation sounds crazy. From a purely sensible and logical perspective who would do all that extra driving just to get to work. Worse, how can it be justified in any way that makes it sound reasonable?
She joined your hobby, said she was an expert and she hasn't a clue? I would be distancing myself from her for that alone. She is stalking you and I would be asking some serious questions as to her motive and end goal. Your DH cannot excuse, dismiss or be blind to her behaviour any longer. He should be distancing himself from her.
Her behaviour is questionable and borderline controlling. She is trying to insert herself into your lives. Stop it now.

It's disrespectful to his wife plus you only car pool if it's convenient surely? If it adds 45 minutes to the commute why would you do it?

they can both shove the card but I would want an explanation to the weird carpool situation more importantly.

It’s a shit deal for your DH, he is tied, he loses time, fuel, vehicle wear and tear. It’s not even a ‘sustainable thing’ given the extra miles and time spent. So I’d be asking what exactly is he getting out of this arrangement?
Don’t show him this - can you put an air tag in his car or an ipad/old phone in the boot that you can track? I bet anything there’s a car park somewhere where they stop and ‘chat’.

He sounds like a bit of a thicko to me. Head turned by the needy vulnerable girl in the office who needs a hand because the heel broke off her shoe kind of thing. Get the picture? He's flattered by her attention and will do anything for her including driving hours out of his way. Very fkn suss.

I think as a start I'd make sure the "car pool" is from hers to your house only and then from your house to work, and reverse. No exceptions, that is the logical way to car pool isn't it? Get a security/ring camera if you haven't already to see if she "luvs him lots" at the car pool changeover.

If he dithers when you say that's the way you'd like him to do it, because his way makes no sense. - it might be time to sort your paperwork out.

I read the first two sentences of your first post OP. Wow. There's no way I would tolerate this, even once.

The card would bother me at all but the driving would.

Card wouldn’t bother me in and of itself unless other things were making me feel insecure already. I (F) am married and work with a couple of guys whom I absolutely adore. When I went off work for an extended break recently one of them organised a card and present for me. I regularly tell them and other women colleagues I also love to bits that I do, in fact, love them to bits. So that wouldn’t bother me. I can’t tell if the car share would bother me in terms of feeling insecure, but it would definitely irritate me as it seems so inefficient lol and gets your husband home so much later than he needs to be

So he's spending joint household fuel budget on ferrying her to and from work by going out of his way by 90mins a day? Absolutely not!!!

Yes, I find the shared journey out of his way much more annoying and worrying than the card comment. He sounds way too invested in this relationship

It would definitely piss me off, the card would tip me over.

Absolutely agree with this one, car sharing is fine in general but that far out of your way???
Nah, it's a no from me! Have you ever mentioned anything about it previously?

Is she alot younger than you both..just by the way you talk about her she seems younger? I wouldn't be happy with the message on card or the car sharing ..that term work wife or husband irritates me..you have 1 wife or husband ffs

Card wouldn’t bother me but ‘car pool’ would. He is devoting time and money to her. If she wants to car share she should drive to yours and then they ta,e turns driving from there.
At the end of the day though, you either trust him or you don’t. If you don’t end it.

Yeah she can fuck off!

Seriously weird behaviour and I would strongly suspect that there is a lot more going on here. I would not accept that he drives 20 miles out of his way to pick her up.

Car pooling yet living 45 minutes apart is ridiculous. I can’t believe he’d rather go 10 miles out of his way to ’carpool’ with this woman.

I don't like the card comments at all. Everyone at their work he has seen that & will draw their own conclusions which is exactly what she wants & I think to draw attention to them. Why isn't she driving to yours on the week's it's hubby's turn to drive? Any cost savings are whipped out by him making 4 unnecessary journeys every day he's driving. I would be having a convo with him & asking that exact question

The card wouldn't bother me but the nonsensical carpooling would!

There's no smoke without fire. It's all well and good having female friends, but there's being friendly, carpooling, and having a support buddy at work; then there's flirtatious teasing and joking, flirty messages in a card, intervening on private interests and trying to be exactly like the wife in order to lure another woman's husband. This is psychotic behaviour. Either your husband knows (he's already making excuses for her histrionic, grandiose behaviour), or he's really gullable. If he gets offended over all of this - Ask him why he's defensive over your worries and upset, and why is he putting his work-wife before the woman who took over from his own mother and let's him have sex with her. Whose bed would he rather sleep in?

Why does he want to spend an extra 45 min commuting with another women instead of at home with his actual wife? Not to mention the waste of money.
Also hate the term work wife it’s ridiculous.

The car pooling would bother me - that’s a lot of extra time for them to chat every day. The more we chat and get to know someone, the deeper the chats become (usually) and more personal/emotional. They’ll bond over issues at work and feel united that they can conquer them.

Does he talk deeply and personally about thoughts and feelings for 90 minutes a day with you? Actually - does he chat about anything for 90 minutes a day, every day?

At my work we have two colleagues who refer to themselves as ‘work wife/ husband’. It’s painfully - and embarrassingly - obvious to everyone that she fancies him, but hard to tell if it’s mutual. He’s married, she’s single and these things often happen so slowly, slowly, slowly that it’s too late by the time you realise.