Under 35s: Do men on a postnatal ward bother you?

[newbluesofa]

I'm always surprised to see that the general attitude on MN is that men shouldn't be allowed on postnatal wards overnight. My husband was so helpful, got me everything I needed, changed every nappy, held the baby so I could sleep, I didn't lift a finger. Overnight I barely slept because baby wouldn't settle and I wish he'd been there.

Speaking to my friends they all agree that they don't have a problem with men being there. They're helpful, especially when midwives are so short staffed, especially for women who have had C sections. We just drew the curtains and got on with it, ignored the other men and they ignored us.

I'm going to get lots of accusations of ageism here, but I often see women who don't want men on the wards saying things like 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago'. So I'm wondering if it's a generational thing? So if you're under 35ish (just as that's the age of my circle) do you have a problem with men staying on postnatal wards?

Survey design is hugely important in the answers you get - not because anyone is stupid, but because people are people.

Think back to the Brexit referendum - do you want to leave the EU was a simple question, but it led to all kinds of consequences that were foreseeable - to a very large extent - but not necessarily considered.

”Do you want NI to have a different status within the UK”

“Do you want to leave the EU and the single market, or only the EU”

etc.

This from the poster who just said "not everything has to be an argument?" If you want an intelligent discussion, post intelligently and respectfully.

I understand survey design as it was part of my master's degree, I just struggle to understand how anyone could say they want their partner there without realising other partners would be there.

But I tend to give people too much credit. I didn't understand how anyone thought leaving the EU was a good idea no matter how the question was posed! I also thought my question wondering about whether people my own age share the same opinions as me was quite simple, but many have not understood and then got defensive and nasty.

Very true! I'm tired though honestly and snapped i guess. All day people have been being rude, argumentative, putting words in my mouth, then just stop responding when I reply in a polite and calm way. Other people wearing me down isn't your fault though!

Thank you. I've done that too so I get it.

I understand survey design as it was part of my master's degree, I just struggle to understand how anyone could say they want their partner there without realising other partners would be there.

The two parts of this sentence seem to contradict each other.

I agree with you about the shitshow of Brexit; though 😀

I mean you can only make a question so simple. But I think, like I said about giving people too much credit, that question needs to be much simpler than I think 😅 it's been a long day

A lot of women with partners are a bit I'm alright Jack about this.

I had to Google what that meant! I think you're right about that unfortunately

Yep, they think everyone else can do the same and bring their male partner to assist (bodyguard) them too, problem is it all falls down when another women is single, lesbian, has dependent children at home who need their dad, military wife with husband overseas etc etc, so she is left alone and vulnerable in a ward full of other women's men.

The vast majority of partners abide by the rules so don't cause any problems. I work in obstetric theatres so meet a lot of the midwives that rotate across delivery suite and postnatal and their general view is that feel OK to challenge certain behaviours such as partners only using visitor toilets, remaining fully clothed, keeping noise minimal etc. They often do not feel comfortable challenging aggressive men but this is no different to day or night and they would call security for assistance.

It is said to all the women when they arrive on the ward after having their baby to report any behaviour by anyone- any visitor or other patient- that makes them feel uncomfortable.

Does this policy allow you spend more time with, or perhaps give the private rooms to those mothers without a partner at night?

I feel the same as you op. Otherwise I feel we are stigmatising the whole process by ourselves. Their own wives have just had a baby so going through the same thing, I doubt he’s trying to look. I also didn’t really care when bf as I bf out too and didn’t expect people to be looking 🤷🏻‍♀️

ETA I am not trying to diminish anyone’s feelings with this and respect not everyone feels the same. It would be brilliant if post natal had only side rooms but it’s never going to happen due to cost (I suppose unless we migrate to a private system)

I’m 35. Had my son when I was 29 in the middle of the Covid pandemic. I had a c section and was completely out of it for the entire first day. So much so that my son apparently threw up everywhere and was taken to the NICU but I have literally no memory of any of this. I really struggled in the postnatal ward on my own and would have loved to have had my husband there. Honestly my care was shocking, I would wait for hours and hours for pain relief after asking for it, was forgotten about and left in the NICU after the lovely nurse up there rang down for them to collect me, I had no help with anything… So I would have no problem with other men staying overnight too. That extra support is so needed

@Nursemumma92
It is said to all the women when they arrive on the ward after having their baby to report any behaviour by anyone- any visitor or other patient- that makes them feel uncomfortable.

I bet many women don't report if they do feel uncomfortable, though. I didn't report the man who made insulting and derogatory comments about me - not least because he made those comments to a midwife, who didn't pull him up on it. I didn't report the man with his partner in the opposite bay who watched me while I struggled to breastfeed. And those things happened in broad daylight, with my husband by my side.

I would not have felt at all comfortable with either of those men present on the ward while it was dark and I was even more vulnerable while sleeping. With DD2 I was in a very poor mental state: I could barely make myself talk to the staff about my baby. I would never have brought up something like this without some very pointed questions.

I'm glad my local hospital has a "no visitors overnight" policy, even though it was incredibly hard to be on my own overnight.

I am a midwife in an NHS hospital where every PN bed is in a private room so it is possible

That’s brilliant. What part of the country are you if you don’t mind me asking? I guess it’s a new hospital or had tonnes of investment?

The dream! Not possible to retrofit into some old hospitals though. Or a priority! RSCH where I had my first has had huge investment, built a massive new building and plans to improve other parts...no improvement planned for maternity wards which are very old and shoddy.

When I was pregnant I ended up in hospital with a blood clot, not on a antenatal ward just a general AMU, with the women's ward at one side and a men's ward at the other.

There was one bathroom and someone was taking a jolly long leisurely shower and I just could not hold my wee in any longer. I begged the nurses to let me just pop to the men's if it was free, a quick in and out and I was told no I couldn't walk through the men's ward because it breached their privacy and dignity policy and there were some vulnerable men on the ward.

Imagine how astounded I was that a hospital with the same trust in the same city let men stay on wards where women were just expected to give up their privacy and dignity for non-patient men, while they were half naked and numb from the waist down, camera phones out galore, with a flimsy paper curtain with gaps round every corner and people popping in and out and opening and closing those curtains.

It felt really horrible and dressed up as "support".

I'm telling you why people older than your sample group are likely to feel the way they do about it.

But you clearly don't give a shit about any answers that don't fit with your expectations, so I'm off.

That’s not what you’re doing though. Your first post talks about your peers agreeing with you that men should be allowed on the Pn ward. The implication is that your ‘generation is right, and the older ‘generation’ is wrong.
I'm going to get lots of accusations of ageism here, but I often see women who don't want men on the wards saying things like 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago'. So I'm wondering if it's a generational thing?

The point is, your partner may well be lovely, but to other mums he’s a complete stranger. Nobody wants to have to be at their most vulnerable in the presence of ‘lovely’ but strange men.

Nowhere did I say anyone is 'wrong' or 'right'. Multiple times on this thread I've said it's hard to strike a balance between opinions.

Also to clarify, my friends share the same opinion as me, but rather than assume everyone my age agrees, I came here to actually ask and hear other people's opinions. And that is.... bad?

I understand perfectly well why anyone may disagree with me, regardless of their age. I'm wondering if my own generation agree with me - as in, people that grew up with the same culture and influences during formative years. It's no disrespect to other age groups to wonder if people who grew up with the same influences as me share my opinion. You don't need to take it as a personal attack.

Personally, I suspect the reason younger women might be (overall) more likely to think it's okay to have men on the ward is the same reason that many younger women in the workplace say things like, "there's no seixm at my work place" etc. It's becuase younger women, especially those who have had relatively priviledged upbringings and lifestyles, haven't yet come up against the reality of how, as a group, men can be challenging.

So if you'd asked me 15 years ago, I'd probably have said I have no issue with men on the ward. And I do remember being very upset when DH was not allowed to stay after DD was born when I had had an emergency c section, catheter etc. And I would have assumed that all other men on the ward would have been men like DH - respectful, considerate etc.

Now I know that sadly, that's just not the case, I also know that even when men are respectful etc, many women have had such bad experience that at a moment like this, when they are vulnerable, having random men around is simply too much for them.