Under 35s: Do men on a postnatal ward bother you?

[newbluesofa]

I'm always surprised to see that the general attitude on MN is that men shouldn't be allowed on postnatal wards overnight. My husband was so helpful, got me everything I needed, changed every nappy, held the baby so I could sleep, I didn't lift a finger. Overnight I barely slept because baby wouldn't settle and I wish he'd been there.

Speaking to my friends they all agree that they don't have a problem with men being there. They're helpful, especially when midwives are so short staffed, especially for women who have had C sections. We just drew the curtains and got on with it, ignored the other men and they ignored us.

I'm going to get lots of accusations of ageism here, but I often see women who don't want men on the wards saying things like 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago'. So I'm wondering if it's a generational thing? So if you're under 35ish (just as that's the age of my circle) do you have a problem with men staying on postnatal wards?

@Nursemumma92 interesting on the behaviour contract!

36- men should not be allowed to stay at night

*Unless in a private side room

Surely the better thing would be maternity wards to only have side rooms and therefore the men could stay.... I think strange men in a room at night when I am vulnerable would mean I wouldn't want to sleep.....

To me, they’re no harder with men around than women. Fewer people in general is my personal bigger deal.

And dealing with problematic behaviour needs to be done 24/7. It doesn’t magically solve itself during the day but not at night. I personally don’t see the day/night differentiator that others do. Maybe different birth times give people different experiences and views.

How do you know for sure whether they're 'men' ?

Why is night different to day for you?

Given that new born babies seem to have no sense of day or night, and thus their mum is almost certainly going to need to try and sleep during the the day and the night, as Theyre awake a good chunk of the night. And the wards are staffed 24/7, and theres frustratingly sufficient lighting 24/7 so no hiding in dark corners issues.

(Not being provocative, just wondering what im missing on the strong day ok vs night not views that seem to be coming across).

I’m under 35 and 100% vehemently against it.

It's because if I am trying to sleep I feel more vulnerable to have people around who I don't know.....
Yes I know that babies have no sense of night and day (I had my baby in COVID when we couldn't have men on the ward apart from 2hrs a day!!). I had a C-section, struggled to move and still didn't want them around..... I also feel that hospital bed spaces are small to contain another person all the time...

You really are being ageist. What matters is the age the mother was when she had her babies. I was 25 and 34 when I had mine and I would have been very uncomfortable had men been allowed on the ward.
Both my DDs have had children fairly recently. DD2 was 29 and her DH was allowed to stay with her overnight because she had her own room. Men were not allowed to stay on multi bed wards overnight. DD1 had her 1st baby in hospital and ended up discharging herself because of the presence of men on an already very cramped ward after she ended up with a man’s walking in on her whilst she was trying to breastfeed. He thought it was hilarious - she was absolutely mortified.
Single rooms with proper doors - Ok for father to stay. Multi bed wards with curtains only - not a chance.

I was under 35 when DS was born. Thankfully no overnight men especially as I was leaking milk all over the place and had blood trickling down my leg when walking to the toilet.

Just curious, where do all these men go to the toilet? Are new Mum's expected to share the ward bay toilet with strange men when they decide to have a stinking shit or piss all over the toilet seat??

The men are supposed to leave the ward to use the toilet. Many don't and they do indeed piss all over the seat.

@ScaryM0nster it was a while ago now (I am over 35...), but during night, the lights were dimmed a bit, people made an effort to be quieter and of course there were no 'general' visitors eg grandparents, siblings of the newborn at night. Checks and meds and doctor visits tended to be in the day time too.

Why is it ageist to wonder what people your own age think?

I don’t think men should stay, no. They won’t be able to sleep at all so will be no good when you all come home.
It’s not fair on other women who have to worry about a strange man seeing them half dressed, leaking and bleeding in the middle of the night. They don’t want to hear them or see them. It’s fine them turning up in the morning but not at night.

33, no I don’t like men being on postnatal wards. Wasn’t a thing when I had my eldest, changed when I was pregnant with my youngest. I spoke to every possible person in ‘the system’ about my feelings but they all treated me like I was some horrible woman who didn’t care about other women who may need help. Didn’t matter how I felt about my own safety. ‘Well if you’ve got prior experience of sexual assault it may mean we can put you closer to the door’ I was told by one midwife.

It can make you a bit self conscious when walking to the bathroom past men sat in chairs with dripping boobs and huge panty pads.

This is the part I've learned I'm in the real minority about! I just didn't care about this. I didn't know him, was never gonna see him again, as far as I was concerned he was in my space and he could deal with it. But understand others may not feel the same!

Yeah well, all those people saying 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago' are commenting because at that time, men didn't stay overnight on postnatal wards at all. Not unless either the mother or the baby was at death's door.

I certainly wouldn't have wanted random unknown blokes wandering through a maternity ward at all hours of the night.

I would have been really uncomfortable walking to the toilet or to get water at night on my own in a mixed sex environment. I'd probably have wanted a member of staff to come with me as a chaperone but I wouldn't have thought there would be the capacity to provide that. I'd probably have packed a personal alarm in my hospital bag.

@RescueMeFromThisSilliness Yeah well, all those people saying 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago' are commenting because at that time, men didn't stay overnight on postnatal wards at all. Not unless either the mother or the baby was at death's door.

Ok, what has that got to do with my question then?

OP were you on your own with other men around at any point? Or was your DH with you the entire time that dad's were allowed in?

Sometimes with my husband, sometimes alone

I asked my DH to leave because I just don't do with people around me when I'm ill or vulnerable. I just want to hide in a hedge like an injured animal.

But this is all in the eye of the beholder. Your protective and helpful husband is the irritating unhelpful and bossy man to the woman in the next bay.

Not on a ward. My DH stayed but I had a room to myself ( I was in for best part of a week so moved off the curtains between beds ward). I would not have felt comfortable with men staying in that bit.

I'd like to see the wording of that survey. Ask women if they'd like their partners to stay and many would. Ask if they'd like to share a ward overnight with five strange men and the answer is different.

So do you think most women are too stupid to realise that the former would result in the latter?