Under 35s: Do men on a postnatal ward bother you?

[newbluesofa]

I'm always surprised to see that the general attitude on MN is that men shouldn't be allowed on postnatal wards overnight. My husband was so helpful, got me everything I needed, changed every nappy, held the baby so I could sleep, I didn't lift a finger. Overnight I barely slept because baby wouldn't settle and I wish he'd been there.

Speaking to my friends they all agree that they don't have a problem with men being there. They're helpful, especially when midwives are so short staffed, especially for women who have had C sections. We just drew the curtains and got on with it, ignored the other men and they ignored us.

I'm going to get lots of accusations of ageism here, but I often see women who don't want men on the wards saying things like 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago'. So I'm wondering if it's a generational thing? So if you're under 35ish (just as that's the age of my circle) do you have a problem with men staying on postnatal wards?

@newbluesofa how old are you?

32

Younger and have given birth recently?

Gently, OP, you haven't been the politest yourself, with your 'Age?' type responses early in the thread.

All of us who have been through birth and PN ward stays have experience of what that was like and how visitors impacted that in the day time, so can extrapolate to have a view on how that might be overnight (or did experience overnight visitors).

I'm not sure that the experience (which almost all of us had between 18 and 40, and the majority probably between 28-38) skews with general attitudes, social experience etc.

What is your point?

I feel like I was quite clear in my OP that I'm wondering if it's a generational thing. As in, my generation. So I was lookingnfor answers of people of my generation. I feel like that's ok to ask?

Yes women who are 65 now will have given birth around the same age as me, but they're a different generation, were raised in a culture which had different representations of women in media, discourse around feminism etc. Their opinion isn't invalid, but it doesn't answer my question about what MY generation think.

I don’t have a point. I just wanted to clarify, you’re also not asking the opinion of people your age who gave birth 10/ 15/ 20 years ago? Or are you?

Why only under 35s? Plenty of women who have babies are over 35. Do their opinions not count?

Postnatal wards are for PATIENTS ie women and babies. Not your husband no matter how lovely and helpful he is to hang around like a spare prick affecting the privacy of other patients.

@WheresBillGrundyNow @Alpacajigsaw I quite clearly said in my OP and have said in subsequent posts if you read them that I'm curious about the opinions of my generation. People who grew up around the same time as me. What's so wrong with that?

It seems the opinion of a 34 year old with a 15 year old kid is valid but a 44 yo with a 7yo is not. Because we are old and can't possibly hold valid or useful views and therefore need placing in the same category as a pensioner.

How are you going to know how the view of your 'generation' (whatever you think that is) compares to those of other generations unless you actually listen to them too?

I'm 31 and had my first at 29 snd second is due next year.
I wish men had been allowed to stay. My son was born at 11.30pm andy husband was hardly allowed to stay after so I was on my own almost immediately after 21 hours of labour and no food (you get no tea and toast at midnight apparently) with no staff to help with anything and still numb from the waist down from the spina

You are projecting quite a lot on this thread. I've said multiple time on the thread if you read it, that I'm interested in people that grew up with the same kind of media etc as me hold a similar opinion. Therefore age is more important than when you had your child.

How are you going to know how the view of your 'generation' (whatever you think that is) compares to those of other generations unless you actually listen to them too?

Again as I said in the OP and in another post, I have read many posts here on MN from women who share their opinions based on when they had their adult children, so they are older than me. But I felt I hadn't heard much from women around my age, so thought I would ask here. There's no need to be defensive and rude about it.

If you're wondering why I asked certain things, you can just ask and I'll explain. Defensiveness and rudeness is just not necessary, I'm here for a good faith discussion.

So basically, having gone through about half the thread, women want their husbands there because the standard of care on the wards is so fucking abysmal.

Some women mention emotional support and their partner bonding with the baby but for the most part yes, even some women who don't agree with having men on the wards have pointed out that with the state of the current care systems it's often useful so women can be looked after properly by someone

You’ve not made it clear whether you are interested in the views of people of your generation who became parents younger than you did though?

I just said to you I'm curious about the opinions of my generation. People who grew up around the same time as me.

I don't think it's relevant to my question, so I didn't include it. I'm specifically asking about people's current age. If it was relevant I would have mentioned it in my OP. I don't know how I can make this any clearer I really don't

I don’t mind. Nor on any other ward for reasons that other posters have pointed out, lack of care, having a relative there can be a guarantee of basic care.

Surely the opinions of other age groups would help ascertain whether or not it is a generational thing?

As I said in my OP and have said in multiple updates, I've been on mumsnet many years and feel like I've heard a lot from women reflecting on the experience of having their now adult children. But I don't feel like I've ever heard much from women around my age. So I asked.

My question is basically 'I wonder if women my age think the same as me' so I asked them.

I’m 34, we chose our hospital because it allowed partners to stay overnight. I have a wife but the husbands didn’t bother me one bit, I think it’s so important they’re there. It’s really the first opportunity for parents to have a bit of equal responsibility to parenting.

If they're quiet and respectful, no I don't mind. But having said that, I've never been on a maternity ward sharing with more than 1 person.

I can see why people wouldn't want extra people coming in and out. Postpartum is a very vulnerable time and privacy is important.

Part of me thinks that it's important for men to be involved because we've complained for so long about men not being involved enough with caring duties so when they try to help I don't want to tell them they're not welcome. I see it as a good thing that men are caring for women and babies.

I had my children at 25 and 30, partners weren't allowed to stay then.

I work in the same trust that I gave birth in and following feedback from women the trust initiated a 3 month pilot scheme where partners could stay overnight on the postnatal ward. It went so well and the feedback was overwhelmingly positive that it has become a permanent arrangement and they are rolling out a pilot scheme on the induction suite so women being induced and in the early stages of labour can also have a partner to support them.

They have to sign a "behavioural agreement" outlining how they are expected to conduct themselves and will be asked to leave or removed by security if they do not comply to these rules e.g remaining fully clothed, not using women's facilities and only entering the bedspace of the partner they are staying with.

That is really interesting! And grest that it's so positive. I was just wondering if there were any behaviour guidelines that went along with it then I kept reading 😅 Do you feel the midwives are able to police that agreement? I've seen people say before that midwives shouldn't be put in that position/won't have the time.

I am over 35. In the postnatal ward at my local hospital it is probably about 95% women who have had very difficult births as the non complicated ones either get discharged from the labour ward or are in the birthing centre next door. When i was there (for 5 days, then 8 days) the first time mums all had partners or their mums with them all day. The 2nd time + mums all had partners who came for a short time each evening. With all the mums not moving faster than a slow shuffle, those of us without partners were at a huge disadvantage as the men would be first in the queue for everything. The women would struggle to stand for long so it was hard at meal times when the men would always get there first and the women would always have to wait behind them. Personally i think it would be better if the ward was staffed properly. I also think all visitors should be banned if they don't behave themselves. Any incidents of looking round other people's curtains, making comments about other patients, using devices without headphones, using the patient toilets etc should result in a ban.