Under 35s: Do men on a postnatal ward bother you?

[newbluesofa]

I'm always surprised to see that the general attitude on MN is that men shouldn't be allowed on postnatal wards overnight. My husband was so helpful, got me everything I needed, changed every nappy, held the baby so I could sleep, I didn't lift a finger. Overnight I barely slept because baby wouldn't settle and I wish he'd been there.

Speaking to my friends they all agree that they don't have a problem with men being there. They're helpful, especially when midwives are so short staffed, especially for women who have had C sections. We just drew the curtains and got on with it, ignored the other men and they ignored us.

I'm going to get lots of accusations of ageism here, but I often see women who don't want men on the wards saying things like 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago'. So I'm wondering if it's a generational thing? So if you're under 35ish (just as that's the age of my circle) do you have a problem with men staying on postnatal wards?

This, I also agree totally with the poster who says it's to cover poor staffing. She's right the maternity care in this country is scandalous

I agree with a PP. Until you've actually met the kind of men who make other women uncomfortable and who make women feel unsafe, it's very easy to say "oh, men should be allowed". And I'm not necessarily talking about the obvious ones. Reading this thread I kept having flashbacks to the way exBIL used to behave. On the surface, all sweetness and light, but with an underlying edge of menace and malice, that I felt, SIL felt, and lots of other people felt too. He is ABSOLUTELY the kind of man who would have wnated to stay on the ward, would have been very "solicitoius" but would probably have made a lot of women very uncomfortable.

I'm not taking it as a personal attack, but your attitude was unnecessarily curt.

Besides, my own dd is of childbearing age and under your 35 cut-off, and I just asked her what she thought - she wouldn't want other people's partners staying in a maternity ward all night either.

Ok great? I asked for opinions I never asked anyone to agree with me

You do have a bit of an attitude op

ok great?

I have asked this of 4 different women I know today - under 35/over 25, and they think that no way should men be allowed to stay overnight on postnatal wards.. If the mother of the baby is in a private room, then maybe.. But they should not be allowed on the Main wards. Women who have just given birth (and many births are painful and traumatic,) are vulnerable, and in pain, and often quite shaken.

The last thing they need is some random man 3-4 feet away from them behind a flimsy curtain, through the night, when they're near naked, breastfeeding, in pain, and vulnerable. It's breathtakingly entitled and selfish for any man to think they should be allowed to stay overnight OR for any women to think HER man should be allowed to stay overnight 'because she neeeeds him there.' 🙄

This really resonates with me. Sorry OP I’m 45 so not on your age bracket .
However, this is a good point. If you have a man with you you are unlikely to feel so uncomfortable with other men on the ward. I had no one and felt so uncomfortable with all the men on the other side of a thin curtain. Twice a man accidentally came into my cubicle! After that I was so nervous.
I also leaked some blood on my nightie and had to walk past lots of men to go to clean myself up.
Definitely no men outside of visiting hours.

100% what @Acommonreader said! ^

But what if the man does not advocate? Or help in any way. What if he just snores and sneaks sideways looks through the cubicle curtain? Does your right to an ‘advocate’ trump my right to privacy and dignity?
Twice on my maternity ward, a man ‘accidentally’ came into to my cubicle. Regularly the staff left a gap in the curtains. I was trying to breastfeed discreetly in my hospital bed because several men were able to look at me. Are my rights not important too?

Quite.
Not forgetting that many abusive and controlling partners would relish the opportunity to abuse and exert control by the hospital bedside 24/7.
DA is one of the leading causes of death in postpartum mums, and 1/3 of all abuse begins in pregnancy.
Their absence overnight is often crucial for an abused new mum to take stock of her relationship, and ask for help.

@Acommonreader and @OverlyFragrant Exactly! Why do some women think their desire to have their partner with them, (overnight in the post natal ward,) trumps the feelings and wishes of other women? (Some who will be scared, vulnerable, worried, in pain, near naked, breastfeeding etc...) Some women don't have a man to spend any time with them at all, let alone overnight. Even if they DO have a man, he may not want to spend much time there. No man should be allowed in a post natal ward outside visiting hours, and certainly NOT overnight.

@RedLeicesterRedLeicester I only came to say your username is brilliant.
Can’t reply to the thread as OP has some age restrictions going on. Not sure of the relevance of one’s age, you can be for or against me on post natal wards and explain why regardless of your age.

I'm leaving the thread now, I'm too worn down by the attitudes of people who haven't paid any attention to what I've said and who begrudge me asking the opinions of people raised in the same time period and media culture as I was

If you're not sure of the relevance you could read any of the many many updates i posted where I answered that exact question. Or you could not bother and just leave a sarcy comment.

Well, I'm 39 and didn't have my babies 20 year ago 😅 (but 5 and 2 years ago). I wished my partner had been allowed on the ward overnight, it would have made a world of difference. But I had my 1st in the height of covid, and when I had my 2nd, he had to stay home with my 1st. I had 2 c-sections and it was frankly fucking brutal.

I did read your comments but still don’t see why it must be under 35s just because it’s your age group. You might actually get some interesting responses from what I have seen from posters across a range of ages. I’m entitled to my sarcastic comment just as you’re entitled to reply to it.

Honestly, you were very insensitive and a little clueless putting "under 35s" in your title, so don't be surprised that people answer with sarcasm and with snide comments. You reap what you sow. Thinking that 35+ yo mothers have had their babies 20+ years ago is ludicrous. You coule have simply said "if you had your babies in the last 10/15 years..." rather than put an age on the mothers. Your mistake, expect to stand corrected.

To quote the OP perhaps that’s as a result of the “time period and media culture” she was raised in 🤷‍♀️

Spot on. A person's age isn't the sole factor in how they think and in their experiences. You'll have a range of opinions and insights across ages.

I’m 45 and had both my babies at home, so have zero experience of a postnatal ward. But dd did need to be admitted to hospital as a young baby and Dh stayed overnight with us at least a couple of nights (we were in a side room with a bed for me and a sofa for Dh). I can’t actually say it was that helpful. When they are little, they sleep a lot so I didn’t necessarily need help - but that’s not the point.

I have spent time in hospital on mixed wards and honestly, I wasn’t bothered by male patients in the bed next door or male visitors.

I was bothered by loud visitors and patients clearly in mental health crisis under police watch. I was on a head/neurology ward, so we had a lot of trauma patients come through due to violence or suicide attempts who were not in good shape. I didn’t like that, but some of them were female so not an issue of a mixed ward.

I think my only issue is visitors in general overnight - being loud, watching shit on their phones, eating a takeaway, having loud phone conversations while we should be trying to get a bit of sleep. And I would feel uneasy not having my eye on my baby. I assume the babies are just there? And anyone could grab them and leave the ward if you were sleeping. I wouldn’t like that. I wouldn’t necessarily care if it was a man or a woman though.

The problem isn’t the men, it’s that patients are packed in like sardines and separated by curtains. You deserve real privacy and an advocate.

The problem often is actually men. This year I experienced a man in a woman's bed snoring, eating her meal and various men complaining about not getting a meal. Pathetic.

The problem with men, even the not awful men, is that they are very used to being centered. I think a lot of couples having babies see it as a shared experience for both of them and this doesn't work when it's only one of them going through a significant physical event.

Letting men stay on postnatal because they "are a parent too" just feeds into this and takes away from recognising the significance of what the mothers go through. It doesn't surprise me that some of these men act so entitled.

Also don't get me started on the argument that you can't expect dad's to be involved parents if they don't get what they want. That's just shitty blackmail from shitty people.

The problem is absolutely men.

Let’s not forget BoJo eating his partner’s toast after birth and then complaining that the NHS wouldn’t sell him more toast for her.