Under 35s: Do men on a postnatal ward bother you?

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I'm always surprised to see that the general attitude on MN is that men shouldn't be allowed on postnatal wards overnight. My husband was so helpful, got me everything I needed, changed every nappy, held the baby so I could sleep, I didn't lift a finger. Overnight I barely slept because baby wouldn't settle and I wish he'd been there.

Speaking to my friends they all agree that they don't have a problem with men being there. They're helpful, especially when midwives are so short staffed, especially for women who have had C sections. We just drew the curtains and got on with it, ignored the other men and they ignored us.

I'm going to get lots of accusations of ageism here, but I often see women who don't want men on the wards saying things like 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago'. So I'm wondering if it's a generational thing? So if you're under 35ish (just as that's the age of my circle) do you have a problem with men staying on postnatal wards?

@PrizedPickledPopcorn and I also mention the recovery ward for post birth times, where I still agree with partners being on.

I don't want to cater for men?

As I said earlier, it's difficult to balance the dangers/women feeling uncomfortable vs women whose husbands are there to provide practical and emotional support to the WOMEN.

Unfortunately there are a not insignificant number of male partners who are dickheads (and this dickhead-ery often first becomes obvious during pregnancy, as they feel more secure that the woman is now trapped, at least for a while, and won't leave them for it).

If every man on a PN ward was guaranteed to be considerate and quiet and didn't stare or make comments etc etc, then it would be less of an issue (still some issue, given dignity and privacy, but less of one).

In my 40s and nope, no problem at all. I think some people need the support (mine always left because we had kids at home, and for my first he was helping look after my dad).

I had mine 5.5 years apart at the same hospital. With the first they were pretty firm that dads went home; by the time I had the second last year they were laying on a lot of pressure to stay. I don't know if that's a culture chance or necessity due to understaffing.
Mine went home both times (I thought he'd be more useful if he'd slept well, plus he had to be there for DD1) but the other dads on the ward did stay and it seemed like they were helpful. They didn't disturb me anyway. I think it's fine if they are actually helpful and not disrupting anyone else's rest. I feel men as a group have less licence to be completely useless than they did 20+ years ago, there's more a sense that they will/can/should be equal parents and partners.

Im 34. Had my first baby at 18. DH got booted out fairly quickly and I was absolutely traumatized. Midwives and nurses were awful. I couldve really used someone who was in my corner. As soon as he could come back he did and I discharged myself and baby. Horrible women. One woman sat and cried all night because she couldnt reach her baby after having a csection and was reprimanded for using the call button.
My second DC was 5 years after. I was sent to a hospital that wasnt my choice because the new hospital was delayed in its opening. My DS developed jaundice (picked up by the amazing ward cleaner) because the doctors wouldn't listen and midwives were few and far between (understaffed due to new hospital setting up).

I have no problem with partners staying when women are left in such shit conditions. Is it right? Absolutely not. Banning them from wards isn't going to fix the staffing issues though, it's just going to allow more new parents to suffer. Luckily we have completed our family. If I was to have anymore children, i'd have them at home.

We also have more experience of men, sadly. We have learned that those men who we all thought were lovely, some of them our own, are in fact abusive shits.

Not all of them obviously. Not even most of them. But how many does it take to ruin the experience and safety of women at their absolute most vulnerable point? Not many.

In a ward of six women, statistically I believe more than one will have been raped.

In a room of six men, over say two or three nights, that’s 12-18 men you are exposed to. Are you telling me that you think all those 12-18 men are decent, avert their eyes types? Even if they are, one will be like my adorable BiL- lovely man, built like a grizzly bear and snores like one too. If he were there he’d fall over someone or his legs would stick out so far someone would trip over him.

The problem is, once you’re on a shared ward your own high standards are irrelevant. A friend a month or so ago was telling me how a dad on the same ward as her was told several times by the midwives to calm
down, because he was loudly commenting on the Grand Prix he was watching on his phone. The fact that she married a really good man didn’t help the fact that the man a few feet opposite, wasn’t.

For what it’s worth, I was devastated when my husband was sent home. I really could have used his support. However about 10 minutes after the visitors had left, the lady opposite broke down in tears and begged the midwives to keep her child’s father away from her. Security were involved in removing him the next day. Had her partner being able to stay, she may not have been able to get the help she desperately needed.

I’m in my 50s. I think people in hospitals are vulnerable and have the right to have an advocate with them at all times. It doesn’t matter if staffing is excellent, that staff is not a trusted person who is necessarily going to prioritize the patient.

in the case of postpartum women we have two patients in need of support and protection, a woman who has just given birth or had major abdominal surgery and a newborn baby.

that having advocates onsite provides some complications does not mean they should be removed. They are too important.

I’m 43 and my husband stayed over. I had a c-section and honestly am not sure how I would have coped without him. Also, it was lovely to bond with the new baby as a trio.

I note what other posters have said about anti-social behaviour from some men on wards, but this was not my experience. However, some of the other women were a nightmare, including a woman who decided to let herself into my curtained off section for a chat at about 4 in the morning, despite the fact that i was asleep. She decided it would be appropriate to wake me up.

Luckily, the fact that my husband was there meant that he could ask her what she wanted and get rid of her.

Another woman without a male companion talked all night at the top of her voice on her phone. Not helpful.

In summary, I think there are arseholes of both sexes on maternity wards.

What we need to fight for is better post natal care. I work in a job where I review all violent incidents in my local hospital (towards staff and other patients). The only incidents from the maternity services I come across are from male visitors being aggressive. This is why I do not think any males should stay overnight. There will be many women who don’t have someone to stay with them to protect them from whoever else may be visiting.

When I had my second, I waited hours for some help from the breastfeeding specialist. She finally came, spend a couple of minutes with me, at which point the man opposite opened the curtain and demanded her attention for his wife. She would probably say he was helpful, and advocating for her. I would say he was pushy, rude, demanding, inconsiderate and completely invaded my privacy.
Good care should not be contingent upon having a man around to demand it.

35 here and I’ve had 2 elective c-sections. I don’t think fathers should be allowed to stay on shared wards overnight (10pm-8am), but in private rooms for women who have had more complicated deliveries/recoveries would be reasonable. Having unknown people around you when you are so vulnerable immediately post-partum goes against our instincts as animals. We compromise on this to benefit from the medical care available in hospital but I personally think unknown men a curtain away from you while you try to sleep/learn to breastfeed etc pushes things too far. Of course those in favour aren’t imagining feeling quite as vulnerable as their partner would be there to protect them but that isn’t possible for all women.

I do mind them being on wards. I had a C section and men were allowed to stay on our wards, I can 100% see how proactive partners can provide support that is really lacking in maternity wards but for many women facing abuse that bit of time on a ward is the last opportunity to tell someone if they're unsafe to return without feeling under pressure or duress to falsify their answers for an easier departure.

The poor woman next to me was being groped repeatedly when he thought we were all asleep, and called every name under the sun when she asked him to stop. I had men peering through the curtains while I was getting changed or breastfeeding.

After my surgery while I was still numb from the waist down there were men taking room wide photos not just photos within their hub, while I couldn't tell that my blanket wasn't quite covering all of my genitals due to the anesthetic, and I was bleeding.

I think allowing men onto wards just let's maternity services off the hook for support they should be providing.

I sent DP home out of respect for the others as I did not want them to feel how I felt.

On top of that nobody wants to be kept awake by the snoring of someone who does not need to medically be on that ward. It contributed to my PPA and PP rage. When I think about the trauma I felt being kept awake by inconsiderate men is at the top of that list, whether rational or irrational.

Well if you have such lovely, under 35, friends, ask one of them to stay with you overnight and assist.

Men around vulnerable sleeping (or at least trying to) women many of whom are still under the influence of strong opiates and epidurals is a recipe for sexual assault and rape. I would love to see the risk assessments on wards that allow men to stay overnight.

They are also around tiny babies. In any other situation with such access to vulnerable women and children they'd all need enhanced DBS checks. Yet apparently because they have managed to impregnate a women and father a child they are surely all fine.

@Periperi2025 Well if you have such lovely, under 35, friends, ask one of them to stay with you overnight and assist.

Is the snideness really necessary?

This thread is exhausting, so many people can't manage to just take what I say at face value and have a good faith discussion, without getting defensive, rude, or putting words in my mouth

I'm just over 35 but for me any person should be able to stay as long as they are being respectful to the other patients. If any visitor, regardless of their sex, is causing disruption then they should be asked to leave.

Absolutely wanted my husband at my side, especially as our daughter is his first and last. Hospital didn't permit this. One of the many reasons I opted for a home birth.

I’d have loved for my considerate, makes himself useful sort of partner to stay but I absolutely couldn’t put up with some of the dads that were there during the daytime!

Although I could’ve done with his help, I also appreciated he was able to get everything sorted at home for us and get a decent sleep.

Surely the best way to work that out would have been to ask opinions, age and when we gave birth as opposed to narrowing it down to age.

I wouldn’t have wanted mine to as more of a hinderance, but if the person has disabilities and needs help it wouldn’t be an issue.

I never slept at hospital far too noisy, and got out as soon as I could.

MN skews older, so I thought it would be good to just specifically ask for opinions from people around my age. You can see even when specifically asking for people around my age, there's still a lot of comments from people older than that. Some people have taken it very personally that I wanted opinions from people a similar age to me.

Maybe better to ask somewhere that skews younger?

Or just ask the younger people that are here?

I’m under 35, expecting DC3 and I do not want any man on the postnatal ward.

My DH is amazing and we have been together for a very long time. I know he would be a great help and support to me, but it’s not just about me and my needs, but the safety and comfort of all women on the postnatal ward. Not all men are like my husband and I do not think men should be allowed to stay overnight with lots of very vulnerable women and babies.

Whilst my husband has been amazing with both of our DC, I actually really enjoyed the 1:1 time when it was just me and my baby in the hospital. It was a real time to bond and we had plenty of time together when I got home.

Men shouldn’t be there to pick up the slack of hospital staff or need to stay overnight to advocate for women- this can be done during visiting hours. I wouldn’t want unknown men around me whilst I (try to) sleep and get to grips with breastfeeding and just generally being a new mum.