Under 35s: Do men on a postnatal ward bother you?

[newbluesofa]

I'm always surprised to see that the general attitude on MN is that men shouldn't be allowed on postnatal wards overnight. My husband was so helpful, got me everything I needed, changed every nappy, held the baby so I could sleep, I didn't lift a finger. Overnight I barely slept because baby wouldn't settle and I wish he'd been there.

Speaking to my friends they all agree that they don't have a problem with men being there. They're helpful, especially when midwives are so short staffed, especially for women who have had C sections. We just drew the curtains and got on with it, ignored the other men and they ignored us.

I'm going to get lots of accusations of ageism here, but I often see women who don't want men on the wards saying things like 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago'. So I'm wondering if it's a generational thing? So if you're under 35ish (just as that's the age of my circle) do you have a problem with men staying on postnatal wards?

I was extremely ill on a large ward in a busy London hospital and needed my DH there to support and advocate for me, including noticing when I was injected with the wrong dose of medicine. The midwives did not respond to buzzers or requests for help. I'd love to say it was because they were busy, but they remained behind their desk chatting to each other whilst patients were ignored.

For my second birth, I didn't have as serious health issues after and would have been fine. I was also in a ward with four beds and just one other woman, so I sent DH home after a couple of hours. The other woman had her DH there and whilst I would have loved the (relative) peace and quiet of one less person, I didn't know her circumstances and would not judge her for wanting him there.

I'm with others who say it's not a man problem, it's a 'you can't get help unless you bring in a support person' problem. In my case, I was new to the UK and didn't know anyone other than DH in London, so that was my only option and I would have gone home immediately against doctor's advice had I been told he could not be there with me.

I'm 37 so just over your age range but I had all of my children in my 20s. Men were not allowed to stay on the wards at my hospital but I think they are now. Even if he had been allowed to stay, he was more useful at home as I had other children. I can see how your own male partner staying over may be helpful but personally I am against it. I remember someone else's husband making a comment after I went to the toilet to empty my catheter because he heard the gush. Also when you're in a gown and naked underneath it's not very dignified and having men there just adds to that. And the ward is noisy enough without a load of other people who don't need to be there.

It was far worse to the see the woman in the bed opposite me repeatedly vomit down herself because she couldn’t move. And about 20 mins after they told her partner not to let her hold the baby by herself because she kept coming over faint and dizzy, they sent him home. She couldn’t move to get a sick bowl, pick up, change or feed her crying baby.
I’m sure the midwives weren’t deliberately slow but they still took ages to help her. Unless the wards are going to be sufficiently staffed, women should be allowed a partner overnight. If she’d been at home in sole care of a baby in that state and her husband only helped for a couple of minutes every half an hour, it would be neglectful.

I don’t Particualrly want to be on a ward with non-patients there making a noise / snoring / on their phones (some twat on TikTok with no headphones a vivid memory of the days I spent in labour on an antenatal ward).

But - I do think new mums need support, and leaving them alone after a traumatic birth with a new baby is.. a lot. Particularly given they may not be physically able to do much for themselves.

My experiences post-birth have been that there isn’t much care beyond actual medical care - so in terms of getting a drink, eating, washing, help with the baby etc when unable to get up, the care was non-existent.

If the hospitals don’t provide that, then I think you really need to allow a partner to stay and assist.

I think op one of the main issues is that if there are two people they will communicate which is an issue for the others in the ward. Obviously if a private room it’s not an issue but guests staying on the main ward is an issue whatever their sex. Men could stay on the ward when I had my dd 26 years ago, it’s not new but only one husband stayed into the later evening (no idea who else had visitors as I only came into the ward at 10pm and that man left at 11pm and came back at 8am

I’m 33 and absolutely wanted my husband there. And was very glad he was able to be after an EMCS. We’re in London so I probabaly would have changed hospital if our local one didn’t allow it.

Our hospital has bays with solid walls and curtains at the front, didn’t notice nor was bothered by any other woman or partner.

I noted pp mention women being raped on a postnatal ward - I’d be interested to see any statistics on this or recommended preventative measures that could be taken. I’ve never heard of anything like this personally but if it is happening it’s absolutely abhorrent.

I've had four children all born by c section. The last 2 had complications and I was in pain. Staffing was stretched and not as on hand as they were with my first birth, but you just have to get on with it. If you're not capable of looking after your baby, they will keep you there longer. Partners were allowed on the wards 8.30 am till 8.30pm. Personally I think that's enough.
without them being there all night. You need that quieter time when the partners and visitors are made to leave and the staff are there to help if you need it although it may not be as fast as you would like.

I’m 33 I’m due to give birth in dDecember and I am terrified of men being on the ward. I am not happy about it at all I will not feel safe. Men should not be allow d to stay over in my opinion.

OP are you trying to suggest that under 35s are selfish and only think about themselves? If you have a great partner who will help you of course you want them on the ward. If it makes someone else feel uncomfortable to have a man in the room when they are at their most vulnerable then that’s their problem?

Men bother me in general

I’m slightly above your age range but had my DCs recently. I don’t think men should be allowed overnight on postnatal wards. Post birth is a very vulnerable time for lots of women and I would have been very uncomfortable walking around the ward, trying to breastfeed, and sleeping with men around.

I am under 35 and didn’t have a problem with men on the postnatal ward. Like you said, we just got on with it and I couldn’t care less about the other men there tbh.

I just had my last baby in May and I sent my DH home and was glad there were no men staying over.

DH snores so would have disturbed me and other women on the floor- that to me would have been the absolute worst (also thought it would be good for one of us to be fresh the next day as we also have a toddler).

I felt disgusting, was bleeding lots and struggling to walk post c section. I wanted a bit of privacy to hobble to the loo in the middle of the night rather than have non patients there

By men do you mean dads... Of course they should be allowed to stay. What I would have given to have my husband/baby's dad there to help in the first few days. People are nuts to think that EVERY man/dad has a creepy agenda. FTM aged 35

Its simple. People want their own partner there, but not other peoples. A lot of women have good reason for not liking unknown men (fir me, itslinked to a sexual assault where the criminal was never identified)

I was 25 with my first and really struggled with the behaviour of men at night. I barely slept as I couldn't relax with this one man in the room. He just stared at people. I was in for 5 nights, he was there for 3 of them.

I had my second at home, partly because of the unpleasant post natal experience. (Partly due to the birth itself)

I don't follow your reasoning - you say if you can't look after your baby, the medics will keep you in longer ... away from your partner so you are looking after your baby entirely alone?! That you cannot look after, which is why you are still in hospital ...

Postnatal wards are terribly staffed, and I genuinely don't know what the staff are doing, as they never even bothered bringing painkillers to those of us out of surgery, let alone offering any personal care, help with feeding, checking wounds, checking babies etc. Last time I was in, DH spent 30 minutes trying to track down the midwife with the key to the kitchen, where I had left my colostrum collected pre-birth. Why do they keep parents locked away from food for their babies? Can you imagine being by yourself, fresh out of surgery, staggering round the ward with a screaming baby, attempting to find a mystery midwife with a key? Until there are significant increases and improvements in staffing and attitudes, and an agreement by the NHS to support new mothers and provide baby care so they can safely rest, partners must be allowed on wards overnight. Otherwise mother's and babies are at significant risk.

This.

I am due to give birth soon and have written on my birth plan that I will go to a private room if there's one available but I will be immediately discharging myself before being placed on a postnatal ward. If I have to drag myself out along the floor, then I will.

Had my DD 3 years ago and the one night on the shared ward was the worst, most traumatic night of my life. The staff sent DH home then ignored me all night even when DD was screaming non stop, I was bleeding and couldn't walk to the loo, was given no water or painkillers. It was a living hell. It is scandalous to send partners away when you don't have the staff available to care for the women and only the NHS would claim this is somehow remotely reasonable.

I'm 36 btw.

They shouldn't be allowed outside of visiting hours.

Yes that's precisely what I'm suggesting, thanks for contributing to the discussion and answering the question I asked

Age?

But it’s more nuanced than that surely.

No visitors should be allowed overnight on postnatal hospital wards. They were allowed when I had my child and it was grim & unsafe. My OH did not stay. It's an excuse for the NHS to provide poor care.

Had a baby last year although I’m out of your age range. Postnatal ward was hellish, I couldn’t really move post c section and no one came when I pressed the bell because my baby was crying, ended up bleeding all over the floor trying to reach him. I would have loved my partner to be there. On the other hand one of the other three women was so inconsiderate with phone calls loud on speaker throughout the whole night, but at least she annoyed me rather than feeling unsafe. There was so little midwife presence that inconsiderate men on the ward would have felt very threatening and violating as I shuffled around bleeding and half naked, exhausted and shell shocked.

So as another pp said, yes I wanted my own partner there, no I didn’t want three other random men there. The system is broken and neither is a good solution. Adequate staffing and no men, or private rooms and men would both be fine.

I don’t really see how age comes into it, surely it’s how recently you have experienced a postnatal ward and whether men were allowed all night or not that is going to affect people’s opinions. Anyone who hasn’t actually experienced it yet I wouldn’t particularly put any weight on though.

I also think a key factor is whether you have someone, especially male, staying with you. If you’re a lone woman then having strange men gallumphing around will be harder to ignore than if you have a partner with you, there’s just a really animal level of vulnerability there that could be really traumatising

I spent 7 weeks in hospital die to pre eclampsia men staying on the ward would have been the last straw
Totally selfish to need them and totally unnecesary
Its bad enough sharing with 3 others, try doubling that.
If you cant manage a night with dh being there you are not ready to be a parent