Under 35s: Do men on a postnatal ward bother you?

[newbluesofa]

I'm always surprised to see that the general attitude on MN is that men shouldn't be allowed on postnatal wards overnight. My husband was so helpful, got me everything I needed, changed every nappy, held the baby so I could sleep, I didn't lift a finger. Overnight I barely slept because baby wouldn't settle and I wish he'd been there.

Speaking to my friends they all agree that they don't have a problem with men being there. They're helpful, especially when midwives are so short staffed, especially for women who have had C sections. We just drew the curtains and got on with it, ignored the other men and they ignored us.

I'm going to get lots of accusations of ageism here, but I often see women who don't want men on the wards saying things like 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago'. So I'm wondering if it's a generational thing? So if you're under 35ish (just as that's the age of my circle) do you have a problem with men staying on postnatal wards?

Pretty arbitrary, just wanted to hear from women who have had babies recently and are a similar age to me, rather than women who had babies 25+ years ago. To see if opinions have changed

Ha, Oh I thought maybe she was being disparaging to us older women, thinking that we're all perimenopausal man haters who don't want men anywhere near us anyway.
Which isn't true. I don't think men need to be in the wards. I think it's bad enough having to share a ward with other people, but having to sleep in a room with strange men when you're already vulnerable is awful.

No I don't think they should be there overnight, I actually wouldn't want any overnight visitors staying.
I do think that wards should be better staffed so that woman are well supported. ( This is true of any ward in hospital)
I do think that maybe there should be some private rooms for exceptional circumstances where a partner could stay.

i am 46 now and had my babies at 32 and 35

Ah I'm 41 and had a baby 5 months ago.

I'd appreciate you not putting words in my mouth. My post is essentially 'my friends and I think this, do other women the same age think the same?' And then I'm listening to others.

However I think a big part of it is my friends and I have high standards for our partners. Many posts on here with women talking about having absolutely useless, nasty men and I'm left wondering why on earth they married them, letalone had children with them. So I'm aware myself and my friends are a bit of a bubble, hence asking for different opinions

I’m 31 and I was only allowed my DH with me overnight after our DS (third child) was born. They said he had to go after DD1 was born and I couldn’t cope. Ended up calling my mum to come and help me and she came and stayed. DD2 was covid and I would have liked him there. I was fine though, knew what I was doing and had a straightforward birth. DS was a cat 4 emergency C-section and there was no way I could have coped on my own because I couldn’t get up.

I don’t mind other men being there either as long as they are helpful and not annoying anyone else. That’s not specific to men though - just all extras.

why do you think women over 35 don’t have a valid opinion? Do you think women who have given birth now are so very different than 10/ 15 years ago? Very odd

I think there is a lot of that in there too, as I know lots of women in their 20s and 30s who try to be so cool with behaviours that are very obvious red flags to the sensible ones in that age group or to a lot of the ‘old ones’, you know those above 35. 😉

So I’ll be just as patronising back and say some young women are very naive, but they’ll learn. And sooner rather than later unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on which way you look at it. They should stop trying to be so cool and accepting of everything, listen to the sensible younger and older women who have an issue with men staying overnight and really think about what they’re saying and why.

What are you talking about? Of course men (FATHERS of the baby) are on the ward with their partner and baby.

Hmmm, why only under 35, I'm 44 but didn't have DD until i was 37, don't i get an opinion on post natal care.

I think two visitor per bed during the daytime, one visitor per bed in the evening, no males staying overnight. If you need assistance, pre plan a female relative or friend to assist.

You may like your partner/ DH and find him unthreatening and inoffensive, but that doesn't mean the other women on the ward feel the same.

So you’re aware that many men are nasty but are still advocating for them to be on wards with other women. You should think that through.

But you aren't on a postnatal ward with your friends DHs are you? It doesn't really matter if their DHs are all nice, you don't get to pick which men you might end up next to. And realistically, you think your DH is lovely, other women might not agree.
Were there other men on the ward when you had your baby?

Also, I'm 42, what's with the under 35's? Am I not allowed to have had a child at my age? 🙄😂

Apparently over 35s had their babies 25+ years ago. 😂

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for opinions from women around the same age as me? I never said other opinions aren't valid. There's plenty of them on other threads, and on this one actually.

I also think age is relevant, if someone is 35 now vs 65 now, they grew up in quite different cultures in terms of women's representation in media, feminism etc. So I think it's valid to wonder if there's a difference in opinion. There's nothing nasty behind it.

I’m 33, my first was towards the end of Covid so my partner wasn’t allowed to stay. I’d had a straightforward birth but kept in overnight to monitor baby, i felt so sorry for all the women who had c sections and couldn’t move who had to wait for help while their baby cried. One woman on the ward was on FaceTime to her family on speaker literally all night, I was fuming with her but didn’t say anything.
for my second recently, my partner had to go home to be with the toddler. The partner of the lady next to me snored all night, it was so annoying, but I wasn’t bothered by the other partners being there. Again I’d had a straightforward birth but baby had to be monitored for 24 hours and the care was notably more absent, barely anyone checked on me when I was there

But it come across very unpleasant- it has a distinct whiff that you and your friends (and DHs) are somehow more enlightened, and anyone over 35 is an old dinosaur man hater.

I posted above, for me it isnt anything to do with male violence ( and yes my father was very abusive to my mother and even beat her up the day she gave birth to my sister, so i have lived throught it from a young age) my DH is nothing like that .
Its to do with privacy and practicality. I was in hospital for 49 days, 5 days after giving birth. The thought of more people on the ward over night than necessary would have made it really awful.It was bad enough in the day when one women decided her brother was a good substitute for her dh when he was at work and he spent all day there! Another had 7 visitors at a time. It's not good when you are trying not to get stressed because your blood pressure is through the roof because of PE.

Thank fuck for feminism. Whilst you are advocating for men on your post natal ward with other women, older women have fought long and hard to get women’s rights and issues recognised.

It’s like turkeys voting for Xmas and you can’t even see it. We’re going backwards and you’re not going to realise until it’s too late.

34 and yes I have a problem with men on shared postnatal wards.

I gave birth 2 weeks ago; unplanned c section after a failed induction that lasted several days and labouring from 5am to almost midnight on the drip at max strength. I was in a birthing centre with all private rooms so my husband could stay and that’s the reason we chose that hospital - thank goodness we were able to do so, because I was in there for 6 days and his help was invaluable.

That said, I cant imagine going through my postnatal recovery on a shared ward; recovering physically and mentally from my unwanted c section, breasts out trying to establish breastfeeding during second night cluster feeding where I was in agony from the surgery, sleep deprived, with blistering and cracked nipples and practically delirious…it was hard enough in my private room where I could sob and suffer in peace supported by my husband. I know that doing that surrounded by random men would have made it much worse and that is before going into the safeguarding risks, so I see no reason to think other women should have had to suck it up and suffer my husband’s presence when they felt that vulnerable just because it was helpful to me to have him there, despite me being aware of how respectful and lovely he is.

I absolutely support the concept of more funding to ensure women are appropriately supported by professionals after birth, but men on the postnatal ward is not the answer to gap filling poor midwife support, nor is it remotely appropriate when women are at their most vulnerable. It’s a poor quality sticking plaster for a serious issue.

These not so nice men who you and your friends have thankfully avoided will the the other men on the ward though. The ones trying to peek through the curtains to see other women’s naked breasts (it happens), talking loudly at 2am, being a general arsehole etc. Why would you want your own safety and comfort reduced to cater for men?

I’m 35 and a hcp, completely against men staying overnight unless they’re in a private room, primarily because women are very vulnerable and deserve privacy.

The last hospital I worked at a female staff member was followed into the toilets at night and raped by a male visitor, I think it’s far too risky to have random males (I appreciate your DH is probably lovely, but a lot of people’s aren't and are dangerous) on wards with vulnerable women, given the limited number of people around at night.

Yes you're not allowed to have had a child at your age, that's exactly what I said 🙄

Just outwith your age bracket (37 when I had DD). FTM and DH was able to stay as I had a traumatic birth. We were in an individual room though but I know on the 4/6 beds partners were able to stay too. I didn’t feel safe at all due to the lack of staff. I think partners should be able to stay especially if the new mum & baby are in single rooms.

The labour ward isn’t the same as the maternity ward. Men stay with their labouring partners. It’s the post birth time that’s being discussed.