Under 35s: Do men on a postnatal ward bother you?

[newbluesofa]

I'm always surprised to see that the general attitude on MN is that men shouldn't be allowed on postnatal wards overnight. My husband was so helpful, got me everything I needed, changed every nappy, held the baby so I could sleep, I didn't lift a finger. Overnight I barely slept because baby wouldn't settle and I wish he'd been there.

Speaking to my friends they all agree that they don't have a problem with men being there. They're helpful, especially when midwives are so short staffed, especially for women who have had C sections. We just drew the curtains and got on with it, ignored the other men and they ignored us.

I'm going to get lots of accusations of ageism here, but I often see women who don't want men on the wards saying things like 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago'. So I'm wondering if it's a generational thing? So if you're under 35ish (just as that's the age of my circle) do you have a problem with men staying on postnatal wards?

I personally prefer to walk around looking a train wreck, naked apart from a flimsy hospital gown and flashing everyone my giant maternity pad while I cry into my cold shit cup of tea, nipples bleeding without men there tbh.

While I was on the ward during a heatwave a man pulled the curtains round his partner and stopped anyone in the room getting any form of slight breeze from the only window in the room, if I could have got out the bed I would have rattled him. Men might be helpful to their partner but they are generally a pain for everyone else.

I'm under 35 and don't think men should be allowed to stay. Maybe I just had a really bad experience.

I don't know but I noticed that under 35s have got control issues and like to control what other people talk about and how the conversation goes, and get themselves worked up when people don't follow their rules.

I’m 36 and had a baby a few months ago. In our hospital men weren’t allowed on the ward from midnight-6am, but the rest of the time they were.
My partner pulled up in the car park at five to 6 every morning (I was in for a few days) and left at midnight each night. I adored having him there and would’ve been sad if he wasn’t there as much as he was. I was really overwhelmed by everything and struggling to retain any information, so he had so many chats with the midwives, he got lessons from the midwives on how to change nappies, enjoyed learning their hacks on how to get babygrows on quickly. He went with our baby for all his first checks etc, as I couldn’t move whilst recovering from a tricky c section. He had so many cuddles and so much bonding time with our baby. And he was an absolute rock to me. Made me laugh, gave me cuddles, helped me shower… I look back on those few days with nothing but the fondest memories, and a lot of it was due to him being there.
Id like to think his presence didn’t bother any of the other women on the ward, as the presence of their partners and family members being there for most of the day didn’t bother me one bit either. We also had one male midwife on some of the shifts and he was fantastic.

Eh?

Yeah maybe generational but probs not for the reasons you're assuming; especially as generation x (in their 50s now) were IMO more liberal minded than generations following.

I'm a millennial btw. I'd have killed to be allowed my partner to stay when I had my first kid at 30. But that was a couple years before I'd had therapy to help me process the male violence I'd experienced as a teenager and young adult. I've since discovered it's really common for women to take a long time before they fully understand the ubiquity of male pattern violence and abuse within male dominated power structures. After all, the patriarchy rewards women who are "cool" about everything. I speak from experience.

If I were to have a baby now I'd want my husband there for selfish reasons and because as pp mention, the care and support on a ward can be patchy. But I also understand why the presence of men could be a really bad thing for many women's nervous systems and an actual risk factor too. I can assure you my husband is 100% non threatening but if he's allowed in any man is.

Edit to add: I had a private room after baby 1 so my partner would not have been an issue. Baby 2 I was briefly in a TINY room of 6 beds, partners allowed. Absolutely no privacy or space at all. I begged to go home.

Maybe younger people don't realise nursing staff should be helping out because that has never existed in their lifetimes. It's not have everyone's bloke right next to you Vs lie in your own pee for days (or shouldn't be).

Two years above 35, don't agree with men staying overnight. There are really strict rules about mixed sex wards for most other specialities do I don't see why obstetrics should be different.

Luckily for me the hospital I gave birth at has a high Muslim population so they haven't jumped on this bandwagon. I wouldn't mind other women staying with new mothers as much though there would potentially be space issues.

I'm 37, I say birthing partner of any gender should be allowed. During my last birth back in April 2020, the woman next to me after hearing her father was dying started panicking and crying for her dad. She wanted to discharge herself only after 2hr post c-section.

They allowed her husband in. Not before getting everyone else permission. They even tried to get them to pay for side rooms. When they said they had no money to pay for the ridiculous room prices. Someone higher up came to approve for them to occupy a side room.

Hearing her screaming for her dad and her baby crying to be fed (midwife said we not allowed to assist but baby father can).

If you introduce blanket bans then prepare for the trauma. As hospitals continues on selling beds. Let's be honest with ourselves, we need better maternity care before we can go back to no birthing partner allowed.

I have had three other births, all those times I haven't had any issues with men. I witnessed men being kind and supporting their partners.

One of those times I got special room from SANDS. Which is a charity that paid for special room in a corner in labour ward, that was sound proof. Which I will always be grateful for. Does nhs even provide that normally without getting money from charities? I'm sure my ex found it beneficial to have spent that final and only night with our stillborn son.

I’m slightly older than 35 but not much.

I was finding it tough to bf on the post natal ward so had my breasts out a lot in full view of the various husbands walking around which i really didn’t like. however, it would have been solved if the midwives could have just closed the curtain after them as they left. i found it so frustrating the way they kept opening it and then walking off all the bloody time.

This is a really good point I think!

Mid twenties here but had my first when I was 16 and stayed in for three nights (must have been my age because everything was ok and I was kicked out the same day with my other two) dad slept on the chair for three nights we were both only 16 and didn’t know anyone would care and no one said anything. Loads of dads on the ward when I had my other two more recently, didnt know it was an issue the beds have curtains round them

Of course the whole situation could be solved with more single rooms (or just for two mothers) so that women without partners present can have privacy, those who don't want their partner can have them there without affecting others, or someone who would prefer another relative can have them instead, or those without their own support can easily get support from staff.

But that costs money.

Very true. Lots of people saying that women shouldn't need partners there in order to get basic care, as that should he provided by the midwives. But the reality is there's little funding and they're short staffed, we can't magic up new rooms, so in reality at the moment the choice often is let partners stay and help or leave women to fend for themselves.

I’m old, so you aren’t interested in my opinion. When there are no men on the ward, the curtains can stay open and women tend to help each other- either getting attention from the staff, or reassuring those with less experience. They offered each other emotional support.

That goes as soon as a man comes. The man visiting the girl opposite closed her curtains and got handsy with her, slurping over her noisily. I was relieved when visiting time was over.

Specific situations need a specific response, but in general having men in for the entire time is pretty exhausting and uncomfortable.

I am 35 and have 2 under 5s. I don’t like being half dressed (or in pjs), bleeding, carrying a catheter bag, with blistered nipples etc with strange men around, no. The postnatal ward experience was so horrific (the people) that with DC2 it was in my notes that I should be assigned a private room. I still had to walk around the ward to get food / shower and it was so demeaning. You’re so so vulnerable when you’ve had a child. DH going home was the best thing, he was showered and rested and was better able to support me and our babies.

Overnight, there should be a separate lounge or seats in the corridor where they can sit and they should have buzzers that their partners can use to contact them if they need help.

There is clearly a role for fathers in supporting mothers post-birth in hospital, but there is absolutely no need for them to take over the ward like they own it and spread themselves out. In particular, they should read the room and make themselves scarce if it's obvious any of the patients on the ward are in need of privacy.

I’m slightly older than you and totally against it.

25 here, with 2 DC

I say no to men staying overnight.

They can already stay the whole day, it’s excessive rot have them there all the time. Other people want to feel comfortable to relax/sleep and not have to listen to footsteps, irritating conversations and phone noise.

And of course, women are bleeding and breastfeeding. When are they allowed to have some privacy?

If we need more midwives to support mums who are struggling, I’m on board with that.

I'm wondering if OP is trying to show that it's older women who believe men shouldn't be on wards and that under 35s are totally cool with it, which many clearly are not.

I think that's a great idea

I'm not trying to show anything. I'm wondering if other people my age tend to feel the same way as my friends and me or not. So I said my opinion, and then asked for others. Not everything is an argument.

I work in maternity. Our unit put out a survey about women’s preferences for overnight visiting, and the overwhelming answer was that women wanted men to stay at all times.

That's really interesting, thank you. I think ultimately it's hard to find a balance between women feeling uncomfortable with men around vs women who would be supported by having their partners around.

I had my first child 23 years ago after a traumatic c-section. Men weren’t allowed on the ward between certain times, but I remember calling dh on my mobile at about 5am saying I couldn’t cope as my baby wasn’t settling and the m/w was so unhelpful (I still remember she had a brown cardigan and just sat there) - he came in (I had my own room due to c/s immobility) and he helped. I was near the buzzer so he didn’t walk past the open ward.
There should be enough midwives to support the mothers, basically.