Under 35s: Do men on a postnatal ward bother you?

[newbluesofa]

I'm always surprised to see that the general attitude on MN is that men shouldn't be allowed on postnatal wards overnight. My husband was so helpful, got me everything I needed, changed every nappy, held the baby so I could sleep, I didn't lift a finger. Overnight I barely slept because baby wouldn't settle and I wish he'd been there.

Speaking to my friends they all agree that they don't have a problem with men being there. They're helpful, especially when midwives are so short staffed, especially for women who have had C sections. We just drew the curtains and got on with it, ignored the other men and they ignored us.

I'm going to get lots of accusations of ageism here, but I often see women who don't want men on the wards saying things like 'back when I had my baby 20 years ago'. So I'm wondering if it's a generational thing? So if you're under 35ish (just as that's the age of my circle) do you have a problem with men staying on postnatal wards?

Over 35, but under 40.

To me, absolutely right that a single support person can be with the mother on the postnatal ward. Whether that person is male, female or somewhere in between I really don’t care.

General visiting should be kept to a very short and defined window to allow much better rest and privacy.

Absolutely fine to have behaviour standards for that support person.

Do not subscribe to the all men might be evil theory that seems to underpin a lot of the objections. Also don’t subscribe to the it being women only somehow having magical beneficial
powers through a sense of community on the ward. The groupings are so transient with shorter stays being the norm Thats no longer relevant in my opinion. Magical differentiation between whos ok during the day vs at night also seems utterly meaningless on a post natal ward where activities continue 24/7.

One person, for support. Hits a balance of crowding vs companionship and assisting with staffing short falls. Clear behaviour expectations for all. Patients, staff, visitors, support person.

34 with 3 children over 15 years. Absolutely adore my husband, think he walks on water especially whenever I'm having a hard time but still don't agree with men on postnatal wards, no. Women are at the most vulnerable then, too. The problem is overwrought understaffed midwifes who can't look after every woman to thier individual needs so people rely more on partners than ever before.

Just over your limit 😅I am so glad partners are allowed on the maternity wards. I had my third during covid, where my husband wasn't allowed with me while I was being induced and it was awful for my mental health - induction took 3 days, part of which I feel is down to the fact I was freaking out, feeling trapped and just needed my person with me.

With my 4th last year it was an entirely different experience and I am so glad he was able to be with me (also induced!) and then after the birth he looked after our newborn and also made sure I was cared for, advocated for me to the midwives over something really important that they were just ignoring me over, and also made me calm and able to rest and relax.

Everyone saying partners shouldn't be allowed unless in a private room - you could flip it the other way and say if you are that bothered, get the private room yourself.

oh and there was a partner on the ward when I had our last baby who was horrendous - it still doesn't change my feelings.

What are you aiming to get out of this survey?

I’m 34 and had my first four years ago, covid regulations were still in place so no men overnight. As hard and painful as it was I actually treasure the memory of my first night with my dd. We didn’t sleep but I spent the whole night admiring her and feeding. My second was a whirlwind out of hospital 4 hours after birth and my husband wasn’t particularly helpful snoring in a chair as I was feeding and holding the baby. The only good thing was he could look after the baby while I showered.

I get it, I would too if possible. Couldn’t leave my baby there though so had no choice.

@MannersAreAll

It's come in because maternity services are so underfunded and overstretched that in some places women need someone with them otherwise they have no care.

Agree with this. I had my baby last month. I wouldn’t have minded anyone being there overnight who was safe, respectful and quiet, and if it wasn’t in part a stopgap for understaffing. I didn’t come across anyone disrespectful or unsafe but some people talked through large parts of the night with their partner. This made a fairly tortuous environment even worse.

@newbluesofa I’m 39, so older than your age range, but I don’t mind in principle. In practice it can be problematic.

The limit is completely arbitrary don't worry 😅 Thanks for sharing

I agree that postnatal wards are hell. The opposite of what any new mum needs.

I was in hospital for a women's issue not long ago.
There was a thin curtain between my bed and the next. And a woman who was also in for a women's related issue. And also her husband. And was there morning, noon and night.
When staff came to talk to me about my op and my 'issues'
I explained a curtain does not give me privacy from being overheard. I would not have cared if the woman had heard. But I did care if her husband/ partner did.

But there aren’t the staff to ensure behaviour standards. And i’m not sure it’s fair to expect a midwife to deal with say, an aggressive man who doesn’t want to be challenged at 3am. They didn’t even manage to ask a woman in my ward to turn off her phone at 3am, they’re not going to be taking on another role as bouncer. And no one has said all men are evil.. with 100s of women passing through a ward do you not think SOME men will be dangerous or intimidating? I know establishing breastfeeding, dragging my catheter bag into the loo, and mopping up my own blood as I went post c section was hard enough without strange men around at all hours

I was 33 when I had my first DC. Men on the postnatal ward did not bother me. Everyone was just trying to help their partner, many of whom were in a very bad way. The thing I had the big problem with was partners in general (be they man, woman, a friend, a relative) being ejected from 8pm-8am and then the women on the ward being left entirely at the mercy of one midwife between 8, who never came when you answered the bell and you literally couldn't move to reach your baby, let alone do anything useful to care for them.

If postnatal care was adequate, I think most people would be more than happy to send their partner home.

Incidentally the woman in the next bed when I had my second somehow thought it was ok to have multiple phone calls on speaker phone at full volume through the night. I'm pretty sure she was also watching Real Housewives or something at full volume but that could have been a hallucination.

I had dh there and would want Dh there. But I can see why a woman without a dh wouldn’t want men in there. Whilst I was in there were men being aggressive, snoring, loud, a friend said a man was looking through the curtain at her trying to breastfeed, the staff left my curtain half open all the time even though I was often only half dressed. If dh hadn’t been there to give me some security, keep closing the curtain, block peoples view etc id have preferred no men at all. I think both perspectives are understandable to anyone with any empathy and intelligence?

However given that we mostly only hear that dh was there to help them recover and get food, get crying babies etc. it does seem like that’s a weak argument since really that should be the midwives job to support you.

I’m over 40 and have had a baby in the last 5yrs. I would have given anything for my husband to stay. My baby would scream in the cot and I had to hold them constantly and consequently didn’t get any sleep, which is not ideal after giving birth! I felt so alone and tired, didn’t feel any bond with my baby as was so knackered. I begged to go home the next day so was luckily only in for 24hrs. I would have loved my husband to be there and hold our baby so I could have got a little rest. Also he felt awful having to go home when I was in need and we had just had a baby.

My partner is lovely and did everything. He was very aware that his presence as a man could make other women uncomfortable and so very much kept his eyes down, focused on me and our babies, was quiet, didn’t use his phone and make noise etc. He didn’t stay overnight. The midwives were mostly awful so I was very glad to have him there in the daytime.

However, a lot of men aren’t lovely. Read threads where midwives have reported men forcing their wives to have sex with them on the ward hours after delivery or women saying that men were staring at them whilst they breastfed and curtains couldn’t be closed etc. Even if our partners are lovely, other women don’t know that. So on balance, I’d say no, men shouldn’t be there overnight.

I think older women have seen more bad men than younger ones, but maybe listen to their experience.

Actually that is a good point (despite me just saying that I wanted my husband there). I was pretty much topless the whole time as was trying to establish breastfeeding and felt very vulnerable after a section and not being able to feel my legs or get up and walk if needed.

So basically I’d like my husband there but nobody else’s!!!

I actually did. It wasn't solely due to men on the ward, but was a huge factor because I had the bay with the sink and a curtain that wouldn't go all the way around, so I'd have a constant stream of male visitors pushing through my curtain to wash their hands. I was trying to breastfeed and some would openly gawk, some smile awkwardly, some take ages and leave splashes all over the floor. They kept using the women only bathroom as well, despite the huge sign saying WOMEN ONLY. I couldn't sleep or even relax. I lasted 8 hours, they wanted me in for longer but absolutely no way was I staying. I had zero help in the time I was there anyway, DH was home with DD so I just discharged myself and left.
I wouldn't want men on a ward overnight, but with maternity care in the state that it is, I don't see how it can be different. It was shit 20 years ago, I've heard it's even worse now. I was lucky enough to have fairly straightforward births that allowed me to get up and move around, for those mums who can't, I don't know how they'd cope without their partners currently. To say maternity services are stretched thin is an understatement.

I am 37 now but had DD 2 years ago at 35. I hated having men on the ward overnight, as Previous posters have said, I was trying to breastfeed, following a C-section feeling very exposed and vulnerable.

I'm in my 40s but one of the reasons I went for home birth when I was 29 was to avoid the situation of ward care with partners 24/7. There's little dignity to begin with in birth but the stories of friends staggering bleeding to the shared bathroom after someone's partner had spent half an hour having an i-poo made me determined to avoid.

No, men shouldn’t be allowed to stay overnight in wards. Apart from the fact that they sit there guffawing, shouting away, or playing loud crap on their phones, then barging through the ward to get burgers and return shouting out to other women and rummaging through their bags for fries, while gulping their Prime loudly, and finishing with a loud belch and some stupid fucking joke about it not being a fart made to the poor woman in the next bed beside them**, they intrude on other women’s privacy and dignity. They also take away what I found to be a really nice bonding experience with other mums.

Men can visit their partners during the day.

**Some man did all of that on the ward last time I had a baby and thankfully that wasn’t even overnight.

Why 35 out of interest?

Yes, they bother me. Far too many of them were rude, loud, unhelpful, didn't respect the privacy of other mothers (how many times can they "accidentally peek round the wrong curtain?) and kept using the toilet on the ward. They shouldn't be there overnight at all. It's a very vulnerable feeling being on your own, freshly postpartum, with a tiny baby and there's a strange man (who isn't actually supposed to be there) on the other side of a curtain.
We need better funded care, not men in women's wards.

I'm 41 but had my baby 5 months ago. I had to be moved wards because two men threatened me after I asked them to stop playing music.
I also sent my husband home because I didn't need him. I had a C section but it was my second and I knew I could cope.

Men aren't allowed overnight on the postnatal ward anyway, are they? They were all kicked out in the evening at the hospital I was at. The HCAs were around to help throughout the night (and were absolute angels).

I don't think I'd have wanted men on the ward to be honest. I had an epidural so was being given a bed bath at one point and having my pads changed after DH had left. I'd have hated having a random bloke the other side of the curtain. I felt safe in a room full of women when I was feeling quite vulnerable.

Things seem to be going backwards and young women today seem to be accepting worse behaviour from men than ever. They’re being pressured to be ‘the cool wives and girlfriends’. So maybe that’s the reason OP thinks that younger women will be fine with it. Sad really. As I said, my partner is genuinely lovely, but there are far too many bad men out there, so on balance, men shouldn't be there overnight imo. It’s a shame, but there are valid reasons for it.