DC moving 100s of miles away, accomodation for me...

[Sunshinesmon]

He's moving to a beautiful part of the country, one that has lots of lovely memories of our family holidays. It's a long way away, which is sad for me, but I'm excited for him.

It's a place I love too and before DC, DH (now deceased) and I used to go there to do various outdoorsy stuff c. once a month, despite the distance.

DS will be living with GF and they have no space for me, but I would like to visit frequently if I can. I'm thinking I'll occupy myself during the day and hope to meet up for food in the evenings. They'll both be working shifts so I'll try to time things so I can see DS while she's working, rather than intrude on their time and treat them both to a meal when shifts allow. Does that sound OK, not too overbearing "MIL"? Or like I'm a avoiding her?

This is likely to be expensive for me. They'll be in their first (rented) home and saving for a house, I'm going to treat them if we eat out, plus travel and accomodation - booking a room as a solo traveller basically means paying double.

Any great ideas to make this more affordable?

Well, mine was finding a way to do it without paying extortionate tourist accomodation prices.

I can't speak for the others.

I live abroad and id bloody love if my mum wanted to come this regularly to see me

she us always welcome and isn't overbearing!

everyones relationships are diff with their parents - but maybe you have one like me where this wouldn't be a problem at all

i sometimes come and stay with my mum for 6 weeks and shes been with us for max 2 weeks at a time

Maybe you are overthinking things. I think it's perfectly normal for a parent to visit their child a few times a year. It's not as if you're moving in next door to them! Far too much over analysing going on in the thread. Go with your gut.

As long as you are not staying with them, you are your own boss. Who the F makes an appointment to see their child a few times a year, that would be so bizarre!

Are you by any chance worried about son's GF's reaction to her "MIL" visiting? I'm getting a vibe about that. You shouldn't be, and that seems to me where the issue lies.

Do her parents plan to visit also?

Just let them know you will be in the area on X weekend, and if they are free, let's go to dinner. Get son out by himself if the answer is no. Read into what I said there!

Off you go and enjoy yourself.

So it’s a cheap (or reasonable) accommodation query issue not a going to see your son issue? I’ve got confused because you’re asking if it’s overbearing, which doesn’t seem
relevant to the cost of accommodation?

If I were your son I'd think you were being lovely, you don't sound overbearing at all. Starting out in your first home can be stressful, when I first lived a few hundred miles away from home with my now husband, my mum popped up whenever she had half term (worked in a school) to help, cook us a meal, do some deep cleaning and generally support us. There was no expectation that we'd go out and do really extravagant stuff, just her presence was lovely and it sounds like you're trying to do similar OP. I'm sorry you're getting a bit of a pasting here.

If she may be “less so” then please don’t cause potential tension between your son and his girlfriend when they’re about to start a new life together. Continue to go twice a year, wait to be invited the other times and he will surely visit you too, 6 visits a year is too much. Even if you say you’ll entertain yourself etc. in reality the expectation/ hope will be that they make time for you.

You obviously know your son and gf best but from what you have told us, it does sound very overbearing.

Your last paragraph here definitely implies that there is a number of visits and if he comes to you you'll go to him less. Not that the overall total numberof visits reduce. So 6 could be 4 and 2, or 6 and 0, but still 6.

The unreasonable part, that makes it overbearing, is that these are your plans not mutually made plans.

You need to be more tentative. I think 6 visits a year, unless expressly invited, is too much. You need to give them a chance to find their way as adults and see how it goes and what invites are forthcoming.

I think it "implies" whatever you want it to imply. I've said repeatedly these are very early musings.

So when you’re going there anyway just say ‘I’m going to be in town X date, is there an evening that works for me to take you both out to dinner?’ Your current plan has definite potential to seem overbearing!

From your following posts you seem a bit determined to develop that ‘pissed off MIL’ vibe though. Odd choice, but ok!

There no are plans yet. I'm not thinking of timetabling a year's visits in one go, I was simply thinking about my travel budget for the year and how many trips to see DS that might include.

No, really no. I am "determined" not to get in anyone's way at the same time as seeing my DS a few times a year.

So You are thinking of 6 trips a year just planning on not being upfront about it to your son and his wife ?

No. I'm musing about what I might need to budget for in time and money. I'm not going to actually plan anything without talking to them.

My mum was widowed. My husband's response was to tell her she is always welcome at our house, she can come for dinner every night and there isn't an expiry date on that. Because I'm in a loving family where love multiplies, it doesn't divide. My brother's wife has also been amazingly supportive and loving towards my mum. I'm really pleased we aren't married to people who are tallying the visits or getting grumpy if we spend a couple of hours doing something fun with our parent. With family you don't need to roll out the red carpet, sometimes you can just serve them a jacket potato and enjoy spending time together while also getting on with whatever else needs to happen, even if that is going for a run or bath or someone excusing themself to do some work.
OP had made it clear she'll be phoning and saying "I might come for a visit x month" and holding a conversation. I'm not sure how the rest of you issue invitations but the last few overnight guests I've invited I did so because they told me they are in the area for work or other reasons and I've said "would like to stay with us?" I'm not calling people up who live 300 miles away and offering them to sleep over Monday and Tuesday night on a working week out of the blue, but I'm thrilled to see them when that happens.

The obvious answer to the question at the end of your OP: "Any great ideas to make this more affordable?" is very simple - just don't go six times a year.

It was the OP inclusion 'there will be no space for me' hit me square on. Is that inferring living with them?
My mum tried this and I shut the idea down straight away. I certainly wouldn't have wanted h's mum imposing like this even several times a year tbh.

Wow, that is a reach. They don't have anywhere for me to stay when I visit. Frankly I'm quite pleased not to be living with DS and his mess any longer.

Definitely not. You have to let him go. He has a new life and you should wait for an invitation otherwise they will only resent you. Build your own life with your own friends and visit other places.

This is good advice.

OP, I think you are understandably panicking a bit about the move, and (equally understandably) wanting some reassurance/guarantees about visiting arrangements.

But its a fine line - don't become a burden (particularly to the GF), it would be very hard to recover from that position

Honesty, I think what you are proposing seems lovely. I remember when I moved miles away from home with my DP (now DH) I was so happy when my MIL came to visit. (Once every 4/6 weeks) I love that you are making such an effort.

Same here. Some really weird answers.

I’m going to go against the grain here. If the Ds and his GF were moving to get away from the OP then why of all the places in the world would they choose to move to one of her favourite holiday locations? You wouldn’t. I say this as someone who has moved away from family. They must be well aware that the OP will be visiting the area multiple times a year. Maybe that even makes it more attractive as a location to live.

OP I would have a discussion with them around what everyone’s expectations are. Perhaps changer your two weeks stays to four one week stays or similar and stay somewhere close enough to them to make meeting up for dinner or activities possible but not be on top of them. Staying around half an hour away or so.

I dont think I am panicking actually. If anything I'm getting over excited 🤣 Both for them and at the prospect at having reason to go there more frequently.

So is your thread about the cost of visiting a place you’ve been to many times before or about whether you’re being overbearing visiting your son while you’re there?