DC moving 100s of miles away, accomodation for me...

[Sunshinesmon]

He's moving to a beautiful part of the country, one that has lots of lovely memories of our family holidays. It's a long way away, which is sad for me, but I'm excited for him.

It's a place I love too and before DC, DH (now deceased) and I used to go there to do various outdoorsy stuff c. once a month, despite the distance.

DS will be living with GF and they have no space for me, but I would like to visit frequently if I can. I'm thinking I'll occupy myself during the day and hope to meet up for food in the evenings. They'll both be working shifts so I'll try to time things so I can see DS while she's working, rather than intrude on their time and treat them both to a meal when shifts allow. Does that sound OK, not too overbearing "MIL"? Or like I'm a avoiding her?

This is likely to be expensive for me. They'll be in their first (rented) home and saving for a house, I'm going to treat them if we eat out, plus travel and accomodation - booking a room as a solo traveller basically means paying double.

Any great ideas to make this more affordable?

You say you’ll go there and think of ways to “pop in”. You should probably ask yourself why your son is moving far away. He probably doesn’t want that kind of situation. They clearly want to start their lives together where they’re each other’s priority in a place they like. You turning up every few weeks would be inappropriate

I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time 😅I mean, maybe they've moved 100s of miles away to get away from you as you are overbearing, but equally your DS might be over the moon he'll get to see you every couple of months without having to travel and take time off from a busy schedule ... I'm not sure how PPs have been able to judge one way or the other!

Anyway, I personally would be delighted if my mum could come visit every couple of months (for various health reasons, she's not really up to the trip on her), as much as I love going to visit her, it is costly and does mean negotiating a day or two's leave with work. I would also be very happy for MIL to come to us that regularly. The only thing that stresses me out a bit about having them both to stay is the cleaning - but that's not a problem if you're not even staying there.

No, it's not 'your' place, nobody owns a location.

OP, I think you sound fab. Loads on here are pre programmed to make the MIL the villain of the piece, whatever the scenario. Best of luck.

Wow you've had a bt of a bashing here OP and people haven't even answered your question! I don't think you are being unreasonable especially as it's a place you visit a few times a year anyway. You're not suggesting you pile into their house for a week - I think a dinner or coffee would allow for a lovely catch up and wouldn't take too much of their together time when thy are not at work.

To keep costs down I guess you could look at Air bnbs and possibly those where you could rent a room with en suite or possibly shared facilities which would be cheaper than a hotel or an entire rental unit.

Are there any camp sites close by? You did say you were outdoorsy! Could you get a touring caravan on a site that does annual storage and then book a pitch when you wanted to go and stay? They would then get it out for storage for you ready for your arrival.

Don't listen to the Mum bashers. There is nothing wrong with encouraging and nurturing a relationship with your DS and DIL-to-be. Can you imagine what they'd say if you didn't visit? You can't win can you?

They're moving to be in this place that has been special to him since childhood, and which he introduced GF to.

It would be a seriously odd choice if they were going to get away from me, who has always spent as much time as possible there, and variously over the years, come up with hairbrained schemes to be able to move there myself. 🤣

You spend as much time as possible there? You said you go twice a year!

No, but if you read the quote I was responding to, they told me to find my own place.

Yes, 4 weeks a year somewhere 500 miles away, around other trips and work.

But you’re on about going another 4 times a year! Tell your son that’s what your planning and I guarantee he’ll go a bit pale!

My DD moved to Ireland and I know we are welcome whenever we want to go and visit, and they are welcome to come to us whenever they like.

I think you are getting a rough time here OP. I don't think you seeing them 3/4 times a year, around their schedules, and maybe a couple of longer trips, isn't too much to ask of your DC. I would imagine he will be more than happy to see his mum this frequently if you have a good solid relationship with him. And why shouldn't you go to a place that has meaning to you, that you visit regularly and an area you actually introduced him to? He doesn't have dibs on it now he has decided to live there so to the poster who suggested you 'find another place to visit' ignore that advice.

I find it weird people saying 4-6 trips a year is too much. People actually live next door or in the same street as their parents as they become adults and see them every single bloody day! So how is 4-6 trips a year too much.

I moved away from my parents but went 'home' at least 5 times a year with the kids so we could all see each other and in between they visited us a couple of times. It was not enough if anything. I would love to have seen them more but school and work and general life made it difficult.

I think let them move, settle in and you will soon find what feels right for all of you so that you see plenty of each other but not too much that it may feel overbearing to anyone. It will all fall into place.

BTW all these thoughts originate with the way my sister complains that our parents don't make enough effort to visit her...and the fact that my parents always much preferred GPs to visit us than the other way around.

Your sister’s relationship with your parents is irrelevant to yours with your son

I genuinely don't think he will, but I also know that if he or GF don't like the idea he'd have no trouble at all telling me that.

Is it? It's an example of parents and adult children managing relationships across distance. I'm aware of some of the things Dsis has found difficult and trying to consider DS and GF.

Eh? You've misread the reply.

I know its not point, but why are the moving so far away?

Because they want to be in this special place and live the outdoor life. A bonus is that housing is more affordable than at home.

So will he never come back to visit you? I think you going down there visiting is fine to be honest, as long as you I've them plenty notice. But is he not going to every want to comeback to his home town?

Also, the term "special place" makes me a little queasy.

What should I have called it? It's a beautiful place that's been important to DS, such that it's where he took GF for their first trips away. She's loved it too and they enjoy all the outdoor activities available in the area.

I have said, I don't want them to feel pressure to visit (with the associated cost) but if they choose to, they'll be welcome and I'll go less often.

Why not just message him and say Would love to see you both, any idea when you might be free? I’ll be making my usual visit to the area so shall we meet up during it? I’ll take you both out for a lovely lunch or two while I’m there. Lots of love, mum x

Or words to that effect.

So you're still setting the amount of visits. Don't they get a say?

I'm sure that's pretty much what I'm proposing.

I've never once said there'll be a set number if visits. I was simply thinking about what might be possible re time and cost.

So what’s the issue?