DC moving 100s of miles away, accomodation for me...

[Sunshinesmon]

He's moving to a beautiful part of the country, one that has lots of lovely memories of our family holidays. It's a long way away, which is sad for me, but I'm excited for him.

It's a place I love too and before DC, DH (now deceased) and I used to go there to do various outdoorsy stuff c. once a month, despite the distance.

DS will be living with GF and they have no space for me, but I would like to visit frequently if I can. I'm thinking I'll occupy myself during the day and hope to meet up for food in the evenings. They'll both be working shifts so I'll try to time things so I can see DS while she's working, rather than intrude on their time and treat them both to a meal when shifts allow. Does that sound OK, not too overbearing "MIL"? Or like I'm a avoiding her?

This is likely to be expensive for me. They'll be in their first (rented) home and saving for a house, I'm going to treat them if we eat out, plus travel and accomodation - booking a room as a solo traveller basically means paying double.

Any great ideas to make this more affordable?

This.

So you'd go alone. That's a nice way to treat the family you live with.

This screams golden child 🙈

Umm, I live alone....

Having been the DIL who moved a similar distance away I would say communication is key, it makes all the difference.

My MIL had a terrible habit of booking to visit every school holiday, random weekends and letting us know after she had booked the flights with little regard for our own family time, if it was convenient to collect her from the airport etc. It really soured our relationship.

I now have adult DC, we compare diaries to make plans and try not to monopolise their time. As a result we are invited frequently.

But she's not a girlfriend anymore. She's his partner, saving up for a house and a long life together.

Ok.

All families and relationships are different, so there is no right or wrong. In my case, i moved 300 miles away after uni and my parents were happy as long as we spoke on the phone once a week. I went home a couple of times a year in addition to Christmas and once a year they came to visit me. When I lived abroad we Skyped weekly and I came back to the U.K. 3-4 times a year. That was in the normal range of contact amongst my social circle. I would have found @Sunshinesmon‘s plans oppressive if my mum proposed them.

i can’t help thinking from OP’s reactions on this thread that OP is not necessarily properly listening to what her DS and his GF are saying. I’d love to hear their side of this, especially the GF.

Listen, my PIL did this.

Dh and I were living in a city they loved a few hours away. They came almost every other weekend.

It was always, “well, we love that city, if you aren’t free that’s fine.”

But dh wanted to see them. So every other weekend, we’d have to see them. I couldn’t make any plans with friends on those weekends as it would be seen as rude if I went out when his parents were there. Dh said it wasn’t intruding as they would have been coming anyway. I mean yeah, they visited that city maybe twice a year previously, not every other weekend!

I lost my shit when dd was born. I just couldn’t keep doing it. So it went down to a weekend every 6 weeks.

Cut to a decade later we left the city and moved back to dh home town where they live. Do they still visit their favourite city every 6 weeks? Do they fuck. They haven’t been in years now. Loads of other places, but not there.

I agree with that, wait awhile and don't stay too long.

Others have mentioned Premier Inn and Travelodge which are both good value for money but if you google, "Accommodation in X area", you might find decent b&bs, pubs that take guests, etc, which might be nicer.

You sound like an independent person. I'm sure it will be fine if you respect boundaries and have some of your own.

So your newish DP and younger son don't live with you.

I suggest you lavish some attention on your younger son tbh.

I really can’t understand all these posters who think it’s so bad to visit your child a few times a year!! If you were expecting to be hosted, then I’d agree, but you’ve clearly said not. You are giving them opportunity to say “not that weekend, we’re really busy” so that’s not an issue either. If they say “call in any time while you’re down here” great, do that. If not, then call/text first. As you’d (I hope) do for local friends too.

I would do it a couple times and assess the welcome you get, you should be able to gauge if they/DS is enthusiastic about your visit.

In terms of keeping costs down, look at airb&b for a small cottage or local caravan parks for a small static. These are often very reasonable during off peak times & you can then invite them to “pop in any time” to yours too.

Chat to DS in person to see how he feels about you visiting the area a bit more often now he’ll be living there. Tell him to give you some ground rules/boundaries as you don’t want them to feel you are a burden.

Im sure they’ll be fine if you aren’t inviting yourself into their home all the time. X

They've decided to move to somewhere that is special to you, so the inevitability of your visiting must have been factored in - although they might have worked on your existing pattern of visits. You don't know if that was what was agreed between them.

As it's a tourist destination and has drawn you back repeatedly, as pps have said, they will be getting lots of requests from family, friends and acquaintances for visits. So many of these people will fail to recognise that they are working and not able to drop everything to show visitors around and it will become very draining when you're trying to establish yourself and make friends in a new area.

In your mind you're probably thinking that your 6 visits leaves most of the year free for them to do other things, but you need to think about everyone else who will be pencilling in holidays. Friends in very similar situations have found that they got very few weekends to themselves and they didn't want to discourage people as they wanted to maintain these relationships. If all your visitors want to take you out for meals, going out becomes a chore.

I'd not want to be adding to this stress. Stick to your existing routine. If it's working for them they may well invite you to come up more but wait for the invite.

They're not saying anything yet. I literally had this thought for the first time this morning, but I will of course discuss it with them before planning any trip.

I was only putting a number on it becuase I was thinking about cost. I wouldn't set out the whole plan in advance. It would be, I could come 2nd week in Feb if that suits, and then talk about when the next trip might be.

My two regular trips are already planned for 2026, around events happening in the area.

It's not like they don't know I go there regularly. It would be a strange place to pick, if as some posters seem determined to believe, they're going to get away from me.

Youth hostel..basic but clean ,and communal areas to cook in

My younger son is fine (and away at Uni). We're not long back from a week long hiking trip together in the Alps, just the two of us.

Somehow I'm overbearing and don't give DC enough attention. 🤣

I think your plans sound fairly reasonable OP. I’d sort of play it by ear and be quite open with your son about what you’re trying to do. Say you would really love to see them more than a couple of times a year, but you don’t want to impose for too long. Try a couple of the “short weekend trips” type thing. I get the intent behind your easy breezy approach, but of course they’re going to feel you should meet up if you’ve travelled all that way. Can you be flexible in your dates, can you check in with them if it’s a good weekend? Depends if they’re planners and like to have things scheduled, or if they’re the type who like to figure out weekend plans on a Friday night.

FWIW I would have been totally fine with this if my in-laws were in the area, and I’m pretty sure vice versa too. We also live far from all our parents and we usually go to them, but I like it when they come to us.

We live approx 100 miles away from MIL. We see her around 5 times a year, we go to her for an overnight stay a couple of times, and she pops down for day trip around 3 times. Sometimes there is also a big family event like a wedding/funeral too.
if you are going to them approximately every other month, would you also have expectations that they would come to see you also, as well as other family events?

Just wait until you are invited?

Why do you need to talk to them about your plans before they even go ? I'm sorry but you're making far to much of their move.

And when you say you intend to stay in the area for a couple of two weeks a year , please say you don't intend to 'pop in' every day ?

And on your accom question - what are the options where you’ll be visiting? Flexible is good - travelodge flexible cancellable? I’d figure out which the cheapest options are, try a few out, and see what works. The sort of thing you’d need for your usual 2 week visit is going to be different to the flying weekend. Any caravan type holiday parks, air b&b?

I haven't said anything about talking to them before they go.

My trips are already pretty full. It might be that they think I don't make enough time for them!

I do a lot of travelling and work freelance. I was simply looking at my diary and budget for next year and thinking about what I want to fit in.

My 18 year old son lives 4 hrs away. He has been there for a year. He is studying and in the military. He comes home when he has annual leave and for odd weekends but not many as it’s a long drive obviously.

I went to visit him recently for the first time. My partner and I stayed in an air BnB. We went Monday - Wednesday. My son was at work during the day. We explored the city and lazed around in our air BnB. We took my son out for dinner both nights. I had asked him if it was ok. Suggested the date and he said it was ok so I booked the air BnB.

I wanted to see him but I also wanted him to know that we would make the effort to see him rather than it always being on him to drive.

I have told him I would like to do the same I. June/ July but I will check with him much nearer the time as he doesn’t like to plan in advance. Also, sometimes he So for us once or twice a year is fine. It was £245 to stay in an air BnB for 2 night. I’m sure there are options to do it cheaper.

I would let your son and his gf settle for at least 3 months before you discuss dates with him.
Also, as a shift worker myself it is exhausting. Much more tiring than working Monday - Friday. Once dates were agreed I would say if either of you want to meet for breakfast/ dinner on any of these days let me know. Would love to see either of you/ both of you.
She doesn’t have to say yes but she might come out for breakfast with you one day if she was on a late shift so that might be nice.

If you want to go fairly frequently and potentially be paying for various meals I would have a look for cheap ish accommodation.

I think less is more in terms of visits because he has the option of coming to see you as well if he wants to/ has time.

Do I need an invitation to go to one of my favourite places and occupy myself doing my favourite things?
Well, no but the context has changed completely if your son and his GF are now living there. Would you travel that far that often if he wasn't there? No. So, it's about engineering a meeting/visit with your son.
It totally depends on your relationship with him and his partner. If you show up or put too much expectation on them too often it won't be good. Just telling them you're in the area places an unspoken expectation on them that they should fit you in and maybe they'll be busy, tired, not interested. Won't your son ever come to visit you?
You'd object to your BF seeing his mother 6 times a year?
Depends. Not 'object' exactly but it could be disruptive. How well do you get on with her? How many other friends and family (his & hers) will they have visiting them?

My mum died some time ago and I miss her dearly. I moved away and we saw each other a lot, at least once a month, and I would have seen her more if I could, but it was my choice to move away (for work) so learned to live with some distance between us. After she died I saw my Dad a similar amount for many years, because we are a FAMILY who love each other, not a bunch of bonkers judgemental MN who want to find fault with any one but especially mother in laws.

I think your plan is lovely and why the hell wouldn't your son want to see you. He's lost his dad, he loves his mum. My eldest lives an hour away and we just don't see enough of them but are hoping that will change soon. I miss them loads and would love to see them in the way you are going to see your son.

To make it affordable I would look for an airbnb, the sort of place that is a room maybe rather than a whole flat etc. That is likely to be cheaper and if it comes with access to a kitchen you can prep some meals to take with you and maybe reheat when you are there.

and don't listen to the negative responses on here, MN is full of truly weird people

With all due respect, it might be good to let them settle and then let them invite you, instead of inviting yourself.