She's 19 now and this problem has not gone away

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I am at an absolute loss. Since her early teens my daughter's bedroom has been an absolute filthy mess. Clothes everywhere. Mountains of plates, cutlery, cups, glasses and food packaging under her bed. Makeup everywhere, including smeared on the carpet and on her mattress. Eaten chewing gum thrown behind her bed which has landed on the carpet. Stuff piled up on the windowsill and every other surface that exists. Wardrobe doors hanging open. No sheet on her mattress because she just kicks it off.

For a few years now I have just stopped going in there or trying to clean it. I can't cope when I walk in. Today she's at work so I went in and cleared out the rubbish from under the bed. That's all I could bear to tackle.

Over the years we've argued about it. We've also had mature conversations about it. I've offered to help as well as leaving her alone to do it herself. I'm really at an absolute loss. I just don't know what to do.

I'm even more concerned now because she keeps catching colds and bugs. More so than anyone else in the house and I wonder if it is because of her poor hygiene. Please advise me. I just don't know what to do.

Been there and it's very stressful but now with hindsight I would let it go as long as the mess is kept within her room..... if you want you could clean it up for her just to keep on top of things.... but one day she will move out and then you might be happy to have the mess back as long as she was there.
My daughter now has a large house.... it's not pristine but it is clean and tidy!!

@ScrollingLeaves Ah- no, my comment was directed to @Globules, who did say that her DD’s uni room is tidy, but at home is a mess.

I started with very simple steps for my son: 3 larger than average bins. No lids so he can throw ribbish and doesn’t even have to open them.
One is for rubbish, one for clothes, one for dirty crockery. That’s all I asked of him for a bit - make stuff reach those 🙈 Then I’d go in and empty/wash/take down those bins for him.

I’d still go in with the hoover (because there was now floor space!). I’d change his bed and give it a wipe down. Slowly but surely he kept on top. It isn’t perfect, but clean and tidy enough

as others have said possibly asd/adhd or audhd resulting in poor executive function, same story with my daughters, its tough

Yes, she's emptying stuff into the bin rather than the floor, putting washing into the basket, putting bottles in separate bin.

Not moaning is a newish thing about 18 months, it was destroying our relationship, this way she tidies more, if it is messy she doesn't know where to start, if it's clean she'll make an effort.

It's really working.

I told her that I saw a mouse in her room, she no longer leaves food. Sometimes you have to lie.
I know she appreciates not being shamed anymore.

Nd parent of nd kids here, we are all the same, it’s a chuffing nightmare.
I. Work and have other disabilities too, I pay for help and we muddle along and get on top of things in our way.
I do more then the kids but they have other life challenges and I don’t want to completely obliterate their youth.
the main thing that helps me is to keep downsizing our stuff. When I think we can’t get rid of anything else , there’s always more to go.
and tidying up for the cleaner helps , as well as the joy of having clean and tidy rooms .
not everyone a natural aptitude for this stuff.

Nd parent of nd kids here, we are all the same, it’s a chuffing nightmare.
I. Work and have other disabilities too, I pay for help and we muddle along and get on top of things in our way.
I do more then the kids but they have other life challenges and I don’t want to completely obliterate their youth.
the main thing that helps me is to keep downsizing our stuff. When I think we can’t get rid of anything else , there’s always more to go.
and tidying up for the cleaner helps , as well as the joy of having clean and tidy rooms .
not everyone a natural aptitude for this stuff.

Nd parent of nd kids here, we are all the same, it’s a chuffing nightmare.
I. Work and have other disabilities too, I pay for help and we muddle along and get on top of things in our way.
I do more then the kids but they have other life challenges and I don’t want to completely obliterate their youth.
the main thing that helps me is to keep downsizing our stuff. When I think we can’t get rid of anything else , there’s always more to go.
and tidying up for the cleaner helps , as well as the joy of having clean and tidy rooms .
not everyone a natural aptitude for this stuff.

Nd parent of nd kids here, we are all the same, it’s a chuffing nightmare.
I. Work and have other disabilities too, I pay for help and we muddle along and get on top of things in our way.
I do more then the kids but they have other life challenges and I don’t want to completely obliterate their youth.
the main thing that helps me is to keep downsizing our stuff. When I think we can’t get rid of anything else , there’s always more to go.
and tidying up for the cleaner helps , as well as the joy of having clean and tidy rooms .
not everyone a natural aptitude for this stuff.

Nd parent of nd kids here, we are all the same, it’s a chuffing nightmare.
I. Work and have other disabilities too, I pay for help and we muddle along and get on top of things in our way.
I do more then the kids but they have other life challenges and I don’t want to completely obliterate their youth.
the main thing that helps me is to keep downsizing our stuff. When I think we can’t get rid of anything else , there’s always more to go.
and tidying up for the cleaner helps , as well as the joy of having clean and tidy rooms .
not everyone a natural aptitude for this stuff.

Nd parent of nd kids here, we are all the same, it’s a chuffing nightmare.
I. Work and have other disabilities too, I pay for help and we muddle along and get on top of things in our way.
I do more then the kids but they have other life challenges and I don’t want to completely obliterate their youth.
the main thing that helps me is to keep downsizing our stuff. When I think we can’t get rid of anything else , there’s always more to go.
and tidying
up for the cleaner helps , as well as the joy of having clean and tidy rooms .
not everyone a natural aptitude for this stuff.

Apologies for multiple posts . Oh my days

I struggled with this all through being a young adult. It was ADHD plus stress and then when it got past a certain tipping point, I was completely incapable of tackling it.

No food at all in bedrooms plus a big declutter would help. Less stuff altogether means less clutter and mess. I spend my life now constantly decluttering and trying to own less stuff, it’s the only way my ADHD brain can cope.

Seriously??? I have teenage daughters, I’m a single parent and this simply would not swing! Have you taught your daughter HOW to clean her room? It took me months, once a week, to support them step by step in cleaning their rooms. And I started before they were ten. Their rooms are cleaned every week … or there’s no pocket money. It’s non negotiable 🤷🏼‍♀️ Are there any consequences for her slobbish behaviour?

Good for you. You really have no idea

@EverardDeTroyes

Used sanitary products?! Ewwww. Not ok. Health hazard.

I'm interested in what sort of consequences you'd recommend for a working adult?

The consequences for my teenagers would be finding somewhere new to live … if they want to live in squalor 🤷🏼‍♀️

Coulda shoulda woulda, as my Nan would say.

Have you actually done that? Because if you're a reasonable parent normally, your teenagers aren't going to take a threat of 'and if you don't like it you can leave!' too seriously, they're not going to be out on the street that night if you find a dirty plate under the bed are they.

My son and I argued about mess daily for a solid 4 or 5 years, including all the threats under the sun from me, before he earned enough to be able to get out into his own flat.

I’m not trying to be judgy or difficult it’s like I said it just wouldn’t swing in my house 🤷🏼‍♀️ of course I wouldn’t throw my teenagers out if there was a plate under the bed … but I also have a duty to raise them to be responsible, reasonable, fair members of society, roommates, life partners in the future. Is it easy to motivate teenagers? No. Do I have expectations that need to be met? Yes. I’m happy to respectfully agree to disagree with you @Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice because we all have very individual parenting styles and boundaries on Mumsnet.

These threads are really hard because people are talking about adhd, depression etc but also you said you stopped a few years ago. That would have been in her teens. Cleaning is hard when you get overwhelmed and suddenly think ‘I’ll never get through all of this’ etc, but we don’t know if she just doesn’t care. If it’s making her sick as a parent unfortunately you have to step in and do something

Maybe get her a small bin and a laundry basket for her room, so that she can dispose of any period products, dirty underwear in private?
I remember when I started my period and I felt embarrassed and self conscious as I had 2 brothers in high school and I asked for a lock to be put on my door, as they would barge in like when we were kids to ask for something. 😆 🤦‍♀️😳

I think it’s a good point. She may just be completely overwhelmed by all the mess now.

My DS 16 has ADHD. I have to admit I do help him a lot more than DS2 who does not. But I figure so many things in life are much harder for him.

What helps us - he doesn’t have that much stuff (though he is a boy so no makeup) we did have a big clear out and that helped. We do have a cleaner so once I week I do a run around up there. I do tell him to bring plates down (takes a few days). It’s normally just clothes and towels on the floor and a few glasses.

This may be enabling him a bit but it’s also ensuring it doesn’t get completely out of hand. I don’t honestly know if this is the right or wrong thing to do but it means I’m not stressed about it and it only takes me about 5 minutes once a week.

DD16’s bedroom is awful - DH & I do try & she has let us help her clean it occasionally but we’re fighting a losing battle. Even basic things like changing sheets don’t get done or if a sheet is on, it pops off again & DD just sleeps on the bare mattress. She has sort outs but just dumps stuff on the landing for us to take downstairs. She has anxiety & depression but refuses to take any anti depressants that have been prescribed, claiming they make her psychotic. It gets to me less than it did because I made a conscious decision to quit nagging DD. Sadly, she’s the one that has to live in her pit. She has a GF & talks in terms of having a future with her, so hopefully the relationship will give her an incentive to clean up!

P .S DD is on the spectrum. She often eats upstairs & I doubt we’d be able to stop that.