She's 19 now and this problem has not gone away

[Usernamesarejustnotavailable]

I am at an absolute loss. Since her early teens my daughter's bedroom has been an absolute filthy mess. Clothes everywhere. Mountains of plates, cutlery, cups, glasses and food packaging under her bed. Makeup everywhere, including smeared on the carpet and on her mattress. Eaten chewing gum thrown behind her bed which has landed on the carpet. Stuff piled up on the windowsill and every other surface that exists. Wardrobe doors hanging open. No sheet on her mattress because she just kicks it off.

For a few years now I have just stopped going in there or trying to clean it. I can't cope when I walk in. Today she's at work so I went in and cleared out the rubbish from under the bed. That's all I could bear to tackle.

Over the years we've argued about it. We've also had mature conversations about it. I've offered to help as well as leaving her alone to do it herself. I'm really at an absolute loss. I just don't know what to do.

I'm even more concerned now because she keeps catching colds and bugs. More so than anyone else in the house and I wonder if it is because of her poor hygiene. Please advise me. I just don't know what to do.

I was like that at her age. Revolting.

My house now is always tidy. You grow out of it

I agree with the possibility of depression. And is there any suggestion ADHD might be in the mix? It's had great impact on friends who were diagnosed late.

Does she actually know how to clean, tidy, declutter, organise? They're a skillset that doesn't come naturally and need demonstrating, role modelling, support to have a go, praise and a sense of achievement.

Does she have enough storage and display furniture for her stuff? Maybe new furniture and bedclothes can help her feel more pride in her room.

All the self righteous ones going “well you could have avoided that by not allowing food upstairs”, we didn’t. Our kids rooms are full of cups, glasses and when we weren’t in food went upstairs!

@Usernamesarejustnotavailable my eldest is the same age- just the same. A friends son moved into his own house and has improved immensely!

It amazes me (and not in a good way) that in this day and age people who have no experience of mental health issues still think that you can discipline it out of people.

No healthy person makes a choice to live in filth.

Yup. And those of us whose late teens and older children are still struggling with this have almost certainly already spent a lot more time and energy on this than everyone smugly declaring that theirs are fine because they "just put the effort in".

You could write my daughters name at the beginning of your post. She has been diagnosed with ADHD. I would bet your daughter does too. Look into it and I think you will find a lot of similarities in her behaviour.

Chewing gum chucked on the floor isn't too much stuff though, is it?
Food packaging in a bedroom?
It's not like having too many books or clothes.

That's what I was thinking.
ND possibly

I would clean it and say you have cleaned it and say no food upstairs.

That's a tremendous idea, bet tat will come in handy for many posters !

No food or drink allowed upstairs for a start. If she doesn't improve,then she can have the sofa.

Do the friends come back?