She's 19 now and this problem has not gone away

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I am at an absolute loss. Since her early teens my daughter's bedroom has been an absolute filthy mess. Clothes everywhere. Mountains of plates, cutlery, cups, glasses and food packaging under her bed. Makeup everywhere, including smeared on the carpet and on her mattress. Eaten chewing gum thrown behind her bed which has landed on the carpet. Stuff piled up on the windowsill and every other surface that exists. Wardrobe doors hanging open. No sheet on her mattress because she just kicks it off.

For a few years now I have just stopped going in there or trying to clean it. I can't cope when I walk in. Today she's at work so I went in and cleared out the rubbish from under the bed. That's all I could bear to tackle.

Over the years we've argued about it. We've also had mature conversations about it. I've offered to help as well as leaving her alone to do it herself. I'm really at an absolute loss. I just don't know what to do.

I'm even more concerned now because she keeps catching colds and bugs. More so than anyone else in the house and I wonder if it is because of her poor hygiene. Please advise me. I just don't know what to do.

Neither she nor I can answer your question.

Maybe it's because she's making a fresh start in a new location?

Wasn’t it another poster who said that when they moved out and only had a small room they had become tidier?

@ScrollingLeaves Yes, someone did say that, but why does that make it ok to live in squalor in your parent’s house? All that indicates is that it’s a choice, because you don’t respect your parent’s house.

My husband was like this (according to my late MIL) then he met me and made an effort to clean etc. 🧼
He started going back to his bad habits after we moved in together, and I noticed he had a SHEDLOAD OF SHEER STUFF. Collectibles, comics, DVD's and oh my days the sheer amount of clothes! 😫 😭 😩
He has a man cave now and to be fair he had a massive clear out and culled (sold and donated) half of the gear he had.
Decluttering made a massive impact!

It took a while but he had a goal to aim for (it was a great idea in all honesty).
He wanted a new PlayStation 5, but couldn't justify it (bloody expensive) so every time he sold a comic or DVD, he would get that little bit of money and add it to his "PlayStation 5 fund" and that spurred him on to keep decluttering. He would sell on ebay, music mag pie, even vinted! 😆
Eventually he sold all kinds and he traded his old PlayStation, along with the money he made (it took a fair few months), and got his new one. It was worth all the effort to be honest. He was delighted, and it lifted his spirits to not have all the tat. 😌

Would your daughter maybe do something similar, if she had a load of stuff? Selling or donating over time? Just an idea, it's not for everyone though! 😇

We have a couple of rules /good habits, such as:

1. We don't eat main meals meals upstairs (especially In the man cave), but DS can have his juice up there, as long as any cups/glasses come back down (that same day) to be cleaned.
2. We have a one in one out rule in our house. If a new top comes in, get rid of an old piece of clothing. Same with toys etc.
3. We have a big clear out twice a year (after Easter and before christmas) of all our clothes and DS toys etc.
4. Any clothes on the floor that haven't made it to the washing basket or machine then goes in the rubbish bin (worked for my mum with two teenage boys) 😆

Edited to say, Sending support to you OP 💐

Honestly just go in and clean it

Omg I’d have loved if my mum had done this for me. Undiagnosed adhd and just struggled every second on the day not understanding why I was like this. It would have felt good to just have someone say it’s ok you find it hard, I don’t mind helping, let’s do it together once a week and keep it nice for you.

My dd was the same right up until I got a cleaner (for the whole house). Our cleaner is young and attractive and my dd doesn’t want to look like a loser in front of her - so she “tidies” once a week.

The cleaner laughs because she knows 50% of it is shoved in wardrobes.

I told my dd that it’s my house and if she can’t keep her room free from rotting food and half-empty drinks then I will have to clean for her. So she loses her privacy.

I don’t think my dd is classically depressed but I do think adolescence and a lack of a dynamic F2F social life probably plays into it.

i bet if she was away at university she would learn how to tidy!
sorry op,
i am sure it will come

Look dc1 was like that. Dc2 not do much.
What changed is them going to Uni and house-sharing.
How it looked to other people mattered much more to them than what I’ve ever said.

I was that teen too (which is why I knew theyd learn at some point).
I learnt when I left home. Even more so when I moved in with my them bf.

shell get there when she will have decided she needs to it.

As a teen, it wasn’t a lack of respect.
It was my room. My mess. Believe it or not, I knew where stuff was. Very precisely.

Yes I did start tidying when I moved in with someone. Because stuff being tidy was important to them and I was in love blablabla. But I genuineky didn’t see the huge issue as a teen. And tbh I still don’t see the major issue with piles of clothes etc… now.

If you keep cleaning up for her and 'don't moan about it', does your DD even realize that she should be cleaning up after herself?

This is my daughter exactly. At home an absolute slob, at uni she’s Miss house proud. It’s completely bizarre. She has had a lot of mental health issues and also has OCD which has made her a huge germaphobe yet it does not translate to tidiness!

@MaurineWayBack Im not particularly tidy myself, never have been. Funnily enough, my room at home was tidier than my house now!

I suppose it’s more the contrast between what someone is prepared to do in their own space vs. their family home. Even though their parents, who are presumably paying the bills, would like them to!

I was like this as a teen and throughout my 20s. I just had no concept of domesticity or pride in my room or my surroundings. I didn’t see the mess so it just didn’t bother me. I wasn’t depressed. The opposite- I was having loads of fun! Too much fun to tidy my room… I grew out of it eventually although am still untidy and panic clean every time someone comes round. I’m sure your DD will too OP

I had one like that. It caused us both so much grief because it wasn't just his bedroom, he left a trail of mess and filth in any room he visited.

Eventually, at 20yo with a job, it became a choice for him - sort it out and keep it sorted, or move into your own place where you can live by your own standards.

He moved into his own place, which he magically (despite ADHD) manages to keep reasonably pleasant so his girlfriend can stay over.

We have a fantastic relationship now, without the daily arguing over the state of the house.

Yup. Another 20yr old DD like this here. She has ADHD and ASD.
Her house at Uni is a pigsty too.
But she called me recently to moan about how other people leave the kitchen so messy!!! So it's weird. She can keep communal areas tidy, but not her own bedroom.
I am ashamed to say I haven't cleaned her room at home for years. I just shut the door and pretend the room doesn't exist.😳

I've been terribly untidy my whole life and hated myself for it. Then, after reading something here, I went to my GP and showed him photos of my kitchen and bedroom. I was being assessed for autism within six weeks. After a long very thorough assessment I got a diagnosis of ASD. My main symptom is executive dysfunction, i.e. being terribly untidy. It's been such a help. I'm still finding things out.

Maybe OP's daughter is neurodivergent?

It could be as simple as spelling out social norms. I was fucking clueless in my early twenties about so much. I'm eternally grateful to the elders who called me out. Oi! Cop on!

I’m guessing when you move out it’s a fresh start and less overwhelming. Smaller places may be easier to keep tidy.

There may some executive dysfunction - and in a parents home
you know someone else may step in/help you.

With your own space it’s all down to you..

I would be looking if there are any other signs of ADHD. Undiagnosed ADHD can cause huge problems in life. Girls present differently and often mask heavily. This can end up presenting as anxiety and depression.

It may or may not but living in squalor or filth or hoarding is often very comfortable and comforting for some people. Its a trauma response a lot of the time, about loss, rejection, attachment, grief and change

May or may not apply to OPs daughter but people are always very certain on here about ND and very very rarely do I see references to attachment disorder, loss and trauma. All of which can result in the behaviour being described.

Yes. loss and trauma can lead to symptoms like the adhd ones.

Is she neurodiverse?

Our dd was the same. Eventually formally diagnosed with 96% ADHD.

Nightmare. Ongoing.

What I meant was that I didn’t think it was relevant to the OP’s dd. We don’t know her room at university is clean and tidy while her room at home is a pigsty. It wasn’t in the OP.

Yes sure it could also be that if OP’s daughter has suffered grief or trauma. I’m guessing the OP would know that though.