She's 19 now and this problem has not gone away

[Usernamesarejustnotavailable]

I am at an absolute loss. Since her early teens my daughter's bedroom has been an absolute filthy mess. Clothes everywhere. Mountains of plates, cutlery, cups, glasses and food packaging under her bed. Makeup everywhere, including smeared on the carpet and on her mattress. Eaten chewing gum thrown behind her bed which has landed on the carpet. Stuff piled up on the windowsill and every other surface that exists. Wardrobe doors hanging open. No sheet on her mattress because she just kicks it off.

For a few years now I have just stopped going in there or trying to clean it. I can't cope when I walk in. Today she's at work so I went in and cleared out the rubbish from under the bed. That's all I could bear to tackle.

Over the years we've argued about it. We've also had mature conversations about it. I've offered to help as well as leaving her alone to do it herself. I'm really at an absolute loss. I just don't know what to do.

I'm even more concerned now because she keeps catching colds and bugs. More so than anyone else in the house and I wonder if it is because of her poor hygiene. Please advise me. I just don't know what to do.

This was/is me unfortunately. The difference between then and now is that I have a cleaner and a husband who cleans up after me.

The root cause was ADHD - it wasn't diagnosed until my late 20s as I did ok at school but I was chronically late and was never good with homework. Not sure if any of this sounds like your daughter?

@Usernamesarejustnotavailable This is your home too OP. (I couldn't bear to have that degree of filth in any room in my home.)
How much rent does your DD pay you and how often? Monthly? Give her a month's notice and an ultimatum - Shape Up or Ship Out. (You can revoke the "eviction" if she gets her act together, cleans her room and keeps it clean.) And as others have said, NO FOOD IN HER ROOM! You're her parent OP and it's time to set some boundaries.

Exactly this - the perfect solution.
We all have jobs we hate, but they only become "overwhelming" if we fail to do them for weeks/months and they get out of hand. A massive deep clean is required and then a regular, say weekly, tidy and clean at the same time each week to keep it under control. It's just as easy to develop good habits as it is bad ones.

I had endless fights with my parents about the state of my room as a teenager. I shared with my sister. Her side was immaculate and mine was a health hazard. To be honest, I am not tidy as an adult, but I keep things ticking along as best I can. Now DS1 is visiting karma upon me as his room is the same as mine was. It looks like it’s been burgled. He was diagnosed with ASD recently at 17. I try not to get too stressed about his room. DP, on the other hand, is mentally poised like a ninja with the vacuum cleaner, ready to pounce🤣 DS1 and I recently had a sensible conversation about it and I have told him the bare minimum that I expect. A couple of things that were easy wins. It’s not much, but better than where we were before. I am finding that he’s doing ok with this because I haven’t put too much pressure on him. If I do that, he withdraws completely due to overwhelm. So, baby steps for now. To be honest, he has surprised me by doing some extra stuff.

I was, too. I'm in my 30s now and while still a bit of a 'piler', I'm very house proud. I improved incrementally through my 20s, through learning from peers that I was a shit housemate and (more influentially, perhaps to my shame) needing to up my game to reasonably cohabit with my lovely, clean and tidy partner.

Depression was a factor but moreso in my 20s. I don't think it played into my early to mid teens. The major factors back then were:

1. without laying blame, here - my parents did all the laundry and crockery themselves. Us kids just dumped stuff for cleaning and they dealt with it, or we hoarded it until they intervened. I didn't learn to take responsibility over those things or face any natural consequences for abstaining from them.

1. I was on some level ashamed of and intimidated by the mess and so procrastinated dreadfully with ever tackling it.

1. I had no system. Nothing had a home or somewhere that it was 'supposed' to be for me to return it to, so even when I cleaned it would immediately descend back into the perpetual mess.

1. Most of all, I did not appreciate that part of caring for and respecting myself was looking after my environment and my things. That those boring, 'low priority' tasks (as I saw them) were actually self-care. That self-care isn't a face mask and candles, it's making sure you have a drawer of clean knickers and not allowing yourself to sleep next to mouldy plates. That as much as I thought I could just ride it out, living chaotically will grind down your wellbeing over time. That it leaves an open door to depression, if that isn't already an active factor. Going through and coming out of depression is what drove those messages home, but I wish I'd learned them without having to feel that low.

Best of luck. We do grow out of it, but as with all these things she has to see the light herself, it will probably improve in stages and she may end up a bit red-faced socially before it really hits home.

Nobody want's to live in filth.
It's probably not a case of she won't do anything about it. It's more likely the case that, right now, she can't.

Don’t do this. My mum did things like this to me. It did embarrass/ distress me, but didn’t make me any tidier because I just couldn’t. And because tidiness was something that came naturally to my mum and apparently everyone else, I just felt a failure instead.

Listen to the others with potential reasons for the mess. If it is something like ADHD or overwhelm behind it, Dana White has some great strategies on her website and in the associated books.

Unf*ck Your Habitat - if it’s still online - was tidying designed for people with chronic conditions, including depression. A key element is to take photos during the tidy so you can compare them to the before photo and see the progress you’ve actually made rather than despairing at what’s left.

For any with younger children showing these traits - since age 5, I’ve been tidying with DS at intervals, showing him how to tidy by category, have easy to use organisation systems with a place for everything, and how to declutter by turning old toys into money. At nearly 9, he still doesn’t yet tidy of his own volition, but if a friend announces a spontaneous visit, we can now get it done together really quickly. I’ve also shown him what to tidy first for a ‘quick win’, and discussed with him how he plays better with his friends and alone if the room is reset and they have a blank canvas rather than several half games set up.

I was also like this until I moved out and lived on my own. I think I was partly like this because of laziness but also because I had no idea that it wasn't ok to live like that. I'm actually really clean and tidy now, and I think it's because a) mess bothers me, b) I know it's got to be done, and I'm the one that can do it so it annoys me until it's done and c) I don't want my place to get like other people's places which I know are complete tips. So any week that I think I can't be bothered I remind myself that I don't want to be like them and I go and clean.

So she might well change. Until then, I'm sorry, honestly don't know what to suggest because the only thing that worked for me was maturing.

I feel for you OP..
DD has ADHD and is autism.
Room is mostly a tip but she wouldn't let me help her tidy.
I have given up these days to be honest for my own sanity
Ironically, she loves to tidy and sometimes does it well..it doesn't last the time she spends cleaning. Strange child even buys cleaning products from her own money which just gather dust...
I live in hope.
Xx

No. Untangle your knickers.

Several of us have first hand experience that difficulty tidy and physically organised CAN be a symptom of ADHD. And if this young woman has struggled with it her whole life, there may be something like ADHD or mental health issues going on.

And as somebody who was very late diagnosed ADHD (as girls and women often are) May I say comments like yours are spectacularly unhelpful. We have done enough shaming ourselves and being shamed in our lifetimes. Nobody wants to not live like this more than somebody who is struggling with a task most people find doable.

I’m a messy individual, I’ll never have a pristine home. Perhaps it’s undiagnosed ADHD, who knows. Plus I’m not v. interested in home decor.

But, I think that as adults, maintaining a certain level of home hygiene is the priority. A pile of paperwork on the counter is ok; overflowing bins is a health hazard. So I concentrate on cleanliness more than tidiness!

DD (20) is having a friend to stay over her winter break from uni and I said that she should warn her that our house isn’t particularly tidy, but she’ll be comfortable and well fed - I’m a decent cook if I do say so myself. 😋

I do not understand people who post about problems and say they've already gone on for years. I'd have had everything in bin bags and the door off its hinges within a few weeks of this vile behaviour starting. At 19, ask her to clean up or move out.

Cartons of wee? You mean instead of going to the toilet? That's a mental health issue not an untidiness issue.

I do not understand people who post about problems, who have read that the problem has been going on for years and think they have the obvious solution.

Do you not think OP has not already tried this? Several times?

DD had several full bin bags of things she loved going in the bin over several years.

It. Makes. No. Difference.

I’m taking huge offence to ADHD being an ‘excuse’.
If you’ve parented a child with ADHD you’d know that when you have a child who struggles with
finishing homework on time, being organised and taking it in on time,
not sleeping at night and not waking in the morning, struggling to get to school on time,
struggling with exams and meeting their potential
struggling with self-esteem, confidence, self-harm
…the list goes on…
then “being the parent” means focussing on those rather than teaching them cleaning skills. Instead the parent steps in and cleans for/with the child so they can focus on the more important stuff.

Wish people would comment only if they’ve lived the life rather than throw stones as they walk past.

This is a typical ADHD girl's room IMO. My daughter is just like this. I used to clean and nag her to keep it nice. When I did laundry (which involved sniffing everything on her floor to see it it was clean or dirty!), I would put her washed clothes in folded piles by drawer on the stairs (eg underwear together on one stair for her underwear draw). I thought I was helping her with her poor executive function skills. Then she went to uni and her uni rooms were even worse. She is now back from uni, and I am back to doing the occasional blitz, but letting her live in her own mess from week to week. Her neurospicy brain just can't copy with cleaning and tidying and it's not because she doesn't know how, she just gets overwhelmed by the prospect of it. I would say our daughter is not lazy, she is just ADHD.

@FitnessIsTheOnlyWealth Getting back to the OP’s first post, her concern is that the situation is continuing as her DD enters adulthood. Living in squalor won’t be good for her DD as an adult, it could destroy relationships, for example. If someone posted on MN saying that their partner lived in squalid conditions, everyone would say that it was disgusting.

So how do you teach a 19-year-old with ADHD to maintain basic standards? Parents can’t help them out indefinitely.

I have a similar issue with DD, she’s now 21 and it just hasn’t changed.

Last year I’ve accepted defeat so I just stay out of her bedroom and try to control what happens in the rest of the house, which isn’t easy at all and it really, really affects my mood at home. I’m just sick of perpetually living with completely avoidable mess.

The worst part though is that DD is very, very stingy with money. A few months ago on one of her usual “big clean ups” she chucked out her duvet along with lord knows what. Usually I’d replace it but I’m sick of replacing things that she just chucks out in the name of “cleaning”. We’re heading into December and she still hasn’t bought a duvet for herself. It’s killing me but I’m standing firm.

@PanicPanicc I think you’re doing the right thing tbh. She’s 21 and she’s chucked out her bed cover-that’s her choice. If my DD (20) did similar, I’d let her sort it out too.

I had a housemate like this at university. While it was kind of funny at first it became a real issue a few months in as she would constantly take plates and cultury into her room and not return them. It got to the point where we had to start going into her room to retrieve all the dirty bowls and cups because there were none left. She lived like an absolute pig and the real issues started when it started to smell. It was embarrassing having friends over and the first thing they noticed was the smell. We had soft talks, hard talks, arguments but she never changed. Unsurprisingly she was not invited to share a house the following year.

I was also that child. I wasn't depressed, I just didn't care and I couldn't see why anyone else would care as it was MY room! I had much more interesting things to do than clean my room. My mum would occasionally sort it all out and leave me a note calling me a slattern etc but nothing made any difference until I got my own place and then I started being more houseproud.

Of course, history has repeated itself and I was gifted a dd who rivalled me in this area 😂 and of course it drove me insane. She went to Uni and became even worse.

I do have a suggestion but you may think it extreme. She went to live in Japan for a year after uni, and came back properly neat and tidy. She makes her own bed, tidies her room, her clothes are (largely) put away/in the laundry basket, she brings down cups and glasses. I am still waiting for the aliens to give my dd back to me obv

She said in Japan everyone and everything is so neat and tidy that it really rubbed off on her, she started twitching if she came in and her bed wasn't made, and got into all the cute little storage stuff they have over there.

So I would say get her on a 1 year working holiday visa to Japan and sit back and wait!

Agreed, can’t do it forever, which is why I suggested having fewer things and tackling this problem when other major ones are out of the way.

or maybe as someone said earlier - send them to Japan for a crash course in tidy living (or maybe intern with Marie Kondo!)

Honestly I was like this until I had my own home. I could probably still allow my bedroom to be like it if it was only me using it. I just don’t really care if it’s MY mess. And I don’t have depression or any neurodivergence, just messy by nature I suppose.

The only thing that would have helped as a teenager is if my parents kept on at me every week, went in my room to clean and go through my stuff without me knowing/there. I would have hated that and probably would have made more of an effort.

I would insist on the dishes being brought to the kitchen but other than that I would keep the door closed and let it fester. I am on my 5th teen and have learned to leave the bedrooms be.

Haven't read whole thread but honestly id take money for a cleaner every week out of her wages. I couldnt allow it in my home, I wouldn't be prepared to clean for her, she wont clean herself. Its the only option left.